Relationship Your Relationship Hurt Caused By Ptsd ( Supporters/carers)

[Trying best]

@Meadowsweet
"You can cut off ties with a significant other if there are no children involved, with family, it depends on the family. If the family is abusive, then yes, people do cut off ties and that can free them from the abusive situation.

The other way that I found, is to have something similar to a professional relationship, to enable people to remain civil, without emotional expectations or involvement. But that's just the way my mind works. However, that is not something that is possible with a significant other. It is a way of remaining civil to an ex partner after the split"

I cant help to think hard on your posts quoted above. I cant help to think that this may be the case for me. As per your post, are the PTSD sufferers determined and strong enough to just cut off ties with their significant other and move on OR does space and time help with healing and re-focusing ??. As a true supporter, of my estranged husband now, how can i show him I m learning from this experience. i fee extremely bad

 

[Meadowsweet]

@Trying best , I have had 4 years of space, to heal, and I am at a point where I am slowly opening to having people in my life again. I've done the healing by myself, and I wouldn't want anybody to be a supporter or a carer, I just want a relationship with mutual respect, love and compatibility.

Support is about creating the best environment for people to heal, thrive and grow. Your husband has a made a choice to support himself, and that may be the most supportive way for you both to heal, thrive and grow as people.

I understand that you feel bad and I think you show more courage than most to admit to your mistakes. For this reason, I genuinely think you can heal, learn, grow if you are committed to doing that. But I don't believe that doing it on the chance that you might get a second chance with him, is a healthy reason, simply because if he does not want to go back, you are likely to undo all the work you did in his name. Whereas if you do it for yourself, whatever his decision is, you will be grown as a person, and may get more out of future relationships because of that.

 

[Trying best]

@Meadowsweet
@shimmerz
@intothelight

Thank you, to all three of you. I have gained a lot of insight on things. As you know a little background on my case, I dont know if I am feeling normal or am I Over thinking. As of right now, even with the 2 month separation, my husband has supported me financially for 75% of things, supported me when I was devastated the night I got robbed few weeks ago, and dangles a small hope of reconciliation. I kinda feel now after talking to all of you, that one of the reasons for reason for divorce may be that he probably wants to claim "divorced" in his paperworks due to my threats.


So, I was appointed a pro bono divorce attorney who I met today. After discussing the case, my attorneys approach is to be cruel so to make the opposing party (husband) understand the ramifications of divorce. I Know that my husband was being manipulative by telling me to default the divorce and to not ask for any financial support in a "written" agreement (he only wants to do verbal promise). Furthermore, he also said that if I contested the divorce he would cut off ties with me and stop paying for anything. Since then, I have protected my rights in the case and contested the divorce and did not let it default, but yet he has continued to pay for my things, so I guess it was only a threat from his side to wanting me to default my own divorce.

Now, I know that I am not accepting his request of giving up my own rights in the case no matter how much I still love him. But, I just talked to my attorney today and I feel so terrible inside after listening to my attorney's plan of action of being vicious to my husband during the litigation process. I Know that i need an attorney, to get a fair deal and to help me counsel through the process, but I don't feel right deep down. Part of it is because , my husband and I still have some form of amicable contact and too an extent some form of emotional bond. For example, he continues to pay for my stuff, he offered to pay additional $$ so I could go to therapy, came and supported me when I was an emotional wreck when I got robbed few weeks ago, and we still do occasional meetups with each other to just BS or walk the dogs.

This is a pro bono attorney and I am very fortunate to have one, but I also have to cooperate with his style of litigation because if I dont then he has the right to drop me as his client.I have mentioned to my attorney that we are amicable but he wants me to communicate anything to my husband through him.

I am disappointed inside because maybe I feel that the little bit of amicable contact that we had (mentioned in the 3rd paragraph) is going to end, he is probably going to hate me for being vicious (even though it is not me, that is just the attorneys style), we aren't allowed to have any communication without going through an attorney, which limits our possibility of having any open lines of communication. I am standing at this crossroads with even more hurt, pain and confusion. I know this is not PTSD related per say, but as another woman going through this incredible pain of having to let go of my love and for him to also go through that pain caused by my attorneys style is quickly eating me up inside. Any suggestions and advise would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Meadowsweet]

If the attorney that you choose is vicious, and your husband is paying for 75% of your stuff already, is should eat you up inside.

Advice would be to work out what is an amicable and ethical settlement. You have said that your husband is paying 75% of things for you. You haven't mentioned there been children to support, so I don't quite understand why he needs to pay for your expenditure. Are there any children? Have you contributed financially to the relationship? What is the percentage of that contribution and what in the home (or the home itself) is to be shared as obtained jointly? Those are the questions that are ethical.

Trying to destroy a man and take him for every penny is trying to destroy a person. If you want to hurt people, then you have to live with that. But I don't understand why, after admitting that you got angry, got in touch with his boss, threatened him etc in the relationship, why you ant to keep acting that way.

This thread started that way, and you asked people to not focus on why it was written the way it was, and to look at the intention, which was apparently to understand. I gave you the benefit, listened and tried to help you find that understanding, so I'm saddened at what you've just revealed.

 

[Trying best]

@Meadowsweet

I didn't choose a vicious attorney, I was ASSIGNED an attorney for PROBONO (which means for free) from the county as I cant afford one. To me amicability would be for him to continue to pay (for my physiological things such as rent, food, car etc like necessary items to get by) which is what he is paying but in writing in official court documents. He refuses to give it to me in writing. I am not wrong in asking for a written agreement, as people change and I am only protecting my rights.Yes, i have abundantly contributed to the household, as I married thinking this was a long term, never did think I was going to get a divorce. So, I didnt have anything saved up. He kicked me out of the house at 1 am in the morning (when i came home from work, as I work late nights) the NEXT day after he told me he wanted separation. My mom had to come pick me up. So, the whole separation being so sudden and quick, I had not much $$ on me. I would be in the streets ig my mom had not come to my rescue. to make matters worse, my mom and I had not been in talking terms for few months. That night was the first night we talked when she picked me up from the drive way.

Since, I have a FREE attorney, he gave me some terms and conditions that I have to abide by which includes cooperating with him. I told him what I wanted which is basic support BUT in writing. But, as I was listening, my attorney continued to mention ways to go about it. It was a LOT to process and after he left, I felt that that is not how I want to go about doing it. Of course, I need an attorney as my husband DOES have manipulative ways, but the reason why it was eating me inside as I didn't like my attorneys vicious style at all. I dont want a BATTLE , I want amicability. But, I am so afraid that me being uncooperative with my attorney means he will drop me as a client and I am clueless with this legal stuff and my husband knows a lot and he could screw me as sometimes he threatens to NOT Pay when he is mad ( when I DID NOT default my own divorce which is my right) and sometimes he is willing to pay. Divorce is legal proceeding nothing can be done verbally, i dont know why it is hard for him to understand that. I dont want to depend on financial support based on his moods.

As far as threatening him with his job. We both have explosive anger. ONe of things i used as a retaliation tactic was to threaten him saying "oh im gonna tell your boss". Yes, that is very wrong and unacceptable of me, but I think I just want to clarify that so you understand that the threats were made directly to him, I have NEVER told his boss and NEVER got in touch with his boss. As I dont even know where he works or as I mentioned above in the posts about how discreet he is about everything especially his job that I have never even seen his work id.

 

[intothelight]

but I also have to cooperate with his style of litigation because if I dont then he has the right to drop me as his client.

He is your attorney and can't do anything without your agreement. Does he receive payment after the settlement or a percentage of it? If that is how it works then he will do what he can to get you the biggest settlement. However, the choice is yours as to how you want to proceed. Is a mediator an option?

 

[Meadowsweet]

Ok, thank you for clarifying the situation.

I don't know what country you are in, and probably don't understand the legal process there. In the UK, you can recieve free impartial advice regarding finding a lawyer, and claiming for it. I don't think you should have to go about it to destroy him because your lawyer says so. That needs to be your decision.

I genuinely don't understand why a woman would want a husband to support them financially if there were no children. But I can understand wanting half of the assets accumulated whilst marriage (that's just my opinion though).

But, whatever you decide, I do think it needs to be in writing. But again, don't feel you have to continue hurting just because a lawyer (who gets paid more the longer the fight is/or the more you get from it) says so.

 

[Trying best]

@intothelight
@Meadowsweet

The attorney doesnt get paid anything as he was assigned to be by the local support group. yea, he is fighting my case, and wants the best for me. I am so torn.THis is the one of the hardest thing I had to do in my life, Not sure if i ever want to get married and I am only 29. @shimmerz I think I am developing my PTSD from all of this . I wish i was emotionally unavailable. THe hurt is very unbearable.

 

[digger]

I think I am developing my PTSD from all of this

Confused. I thought he was the one with PTSD. Do you both have it?

I am wondering, like @intothelight, if mediation is an option. Would that be something he, or you, would consider?

 

[Trying best]

@digger

He is the one with PTSD but this whole experience has been so traumatic to me that I dont think anyone should even have to go through this .

 

[shimmerz]

@Trying best where are you located? If you don't want to post it can you PM me? It would be a help to know so that I can reference things that you write about and determine a few more details if I need them without asking you. If you are not comfortable with that it is just fine.

Mediation usually costs a bomb - the fact that @Trying best has no money and relies on her husband for funds means that he can starve her out. @Trying best have you googled reviews for your lawyer? Do you know anything about him? Sorry I wasn't here today - am heading to bed right now but will be online tomorrow.

I would suggest that you see if you are actually affected by all of this by a professional doctor @Trying best. It is possible that you have anxiety of some form over this with your situation right now. Best to get on that if you can. Can your psychiatrist (psychologist) that you mentioned above do an assessment for you?

 

[digger]

Mediation usually costs a bomb

Some charities offer mediation services. It might be easier to access where there are children involved (which I don't think there are in this case?) and probably varies greatly depending on where you live, but it might still be worth looking into to see if it is an option as @Trying best is saying she isn't happy with the hard line her solicitor is taking. It was just a suggestion.

@diggerHe is the one with PTSD but this whole experience has been so traumatic to me that I dont think anyone should even have to go through this .

Thanks for clarifying. Not to minimise the stress this is causing you, but you won't get PTSD from this sort of stress, it doesn't meet the criteria for diagnosis. That's not to say it won't affect you significantly in other ways and I'm glad that you are looking at therapy.