Abusing Animals...possible Sexual Abuse?

[Ufetu]

I've been looking after a girl (lets call her Milly) over the last few years and I've noticed some odd behaviour from her and want to know if they could be seen as red flags for sexual abuse. I'm her older cousin and have lived with her, her younger sibling and uncle/aunty since she was about 6, she's now 13.

Before I get to the most disturbing revelation I'll provide an overview of the behaviours she has displayed which make me think that she has possibly been abused.

When she was about 7-8yrs old I walked in on her squeezing lotion into the underwear of her sleeping sibling. When questioned she told me that she didn't know why she did this and was just playing and later when I caught her eating the same lotion she told me that she liked the sweet taste.

Around the same age she told me in passing that she had recurring dreams about naked men being castrated (my words, not hers) and being turned into girls. I later discovered lots of pictures she had drawn in storyboard fashion displaying a baby boy being kidnapped, castrated and given to new parents.

Up until the age of about 9-10 she used to wee in the corner of her bedroom repeatedly despite knowing how to use the toilet.

She has always been a very very quiet child and not very expressive, but when she was 11 I was shocked to discover some of her poetry indicating a significant level of self-hatred and anger. I never addressed this with her as I don't think she intended me to know anything, although I do ask her if anything is bothering her and she just closes up and says no.

Now she is 13 I've discovered something very disturbing and I'm unsure how to approach her about it and handle the situation. On a few occasions now, whilst watching from my bedroom window, I've seen her in our garden on her own fondling our cat. She's usually gentle, but I have seen her be forceful with him, pining him up against her and rubbing his genitals. Usually when I see this I call her in for dinner/lunch, but if it's not that time of the day I'll walk out into the garden and she'll stop what she is doing and start stroking him normally. Despite possible depression, she's kind and caring to others and no one would suspect this behaviour. Could this indicate that she may have been abused in a similar way? If not, what else would cause this behaviour? How do I address this with her? I've never mentioned to her that I've seen anything.

Please help

 

[Umeza]

Can I ask why you're looking after her and not her parents?

 

[Hodowi]

I would find a way to get this child into therapy ASAP.

 

[Zanoci]

Can I ask why you're looking after her and not her parents?

My aunt and uncle do look after her, but they work pretty long hours so I'm often left babysitting and this is just what I've observed. They are lovely people and parents and I've seen no indication that they'd harm her. Her sister has always been quite loud and demanding and so I think they've just put a lot more energy into looking after her because I think they see Milly as quiet and low maintenance so to speak.

I would find a way to get this child into therapy ASAP.

So you think there is a possibility that she could have been abused? This couldn't just be a phase, or normal child behaviour? Could I not encourage my aunt and uncle to take away the cat so she can grow out of this? The only problem is that she professes to be an animal lover and it would devastate her.

 

[Ulu]

Have you discussed any of this with your aunt and uncle?

 

[Kivah]

I did when the lotion thing happened, but they brushed it off as normal behaviour and I haven't mentioned anything else to them. I don't want to cause a fuss over of something which could be quite harmless...well, not for our poor cat unfortunately.

 

[Oru]

I don't think this is normal child behavior. I cannot say whether or not she was abused. Possible, yes, but whether or not she was abused is almost irrelevant to the fact that she is displaying these behaviors, which to me are serious red flags.

My cousin noticed that I was "off" way before my parents or anybody else. I wish I'd gotten into treatment as soon as she saw the first more serious signs that something was wrong. It only took a couple more years for my symptoms to become blatantly apparent to anyone. Nevertheless, I could have been in therapy at 8, 9, 10 years old and started on my issues earlier if she had been more insistent that I have some sort of treatment.

It's important, I think, that however you approach this, no one reinforces feelings of guilt on the child for her behavior, rather brings concern, compassion, and support. I still deal with extreme guilt over the repetitive play I engaged in as a child and implicated other children in, and no one ever confronted me. But then, no one knew, and no one could tell me that they were worried instead of angry.

It's normal that she is acting closed off when you ask if she wants to talk. Therapy would provide a safe person to help her open up about whatever it is that is compelling her to act out.

 

[Lalir]

I don't think this is normal child behavior. I cannot say whether or not she was abused. Possible, yes, but whether or not she was abused is almost irrelevant to the fact that she is displaying these behaviors, which to me are serious red flags.

It's normal that she is acting closed off when you ask if she wants to talk. Therapy would provide a safe person to help her open up about whatever it is that is compelling her to act out.

Thank you for responding. If not for abuse what does her behaviour show red flags for?

As she is a minor I'd have to tell my aunty/uncle about this if she is to get therapy. A part of me considers this an abuse of trust, as she considers me to be an older sister. Do I confront her first?

 

[Oducu]

If you're close with her, perhaps you could have a talk with her, not necessarily about the behavior but about how you sense she is struggling. I wouldn't get discouraged if she just shuts down, though, but before you spring the idea of therapy on her parents, maybe you could try to feel out how she would feel about that. She may surprise you and be on board. She may not.

You are not responsible for her mental health as you are not her guardian, so if her parents fail to accept the notion she might need some therapy, it isn't your fault, and it doesn't mean anyone is wrong or right. I don't see how therapy could possibly do any harm, though, unless it is a truly unreasonable financial burden.

Red flag for what else? I haven't a clue. My behaviors were because of abuse, but I'm sure there are other possibilites. I'd just focus on the fact that she is acting out and seems to really be struggling. Whatever transpires, it means a lot that you care and want to offer support to your cousin. She is lucky to have you in her corner, even if she doesn't realize it now.

 

[Azez]

If not for abuse what does her behaviour show red flags for?

Does it matter?

The best thing you can do for her:
don't diagnose her
find someone very, very good with her age group for her to go into therapy with
give it space

Kids are so much more perceptive than anyone gives them credit for. It will be easy for her to turn any level of scrutiny into "I'm bad, my fault". She might not be able to avoid that trap, but if you play armchair therapist you increase her chances of thinking something is wrong with her.

 

[Alu]

Thanks guys, you've all been really helpful. I'm going to try and have that conversation with her sometime over the coming week. Feeling a little nervous, but hoping I can make things better for her.