Having The Holiday Blues This Year

[Deleted member 12723]

It has been a year and a half since my husband died. This year it seems to be worse than last year for some unknown reason.

I have to celebrate them for the kids because they live for the holidays.

The grief is really hitting me so hard and I am just going through the motions. I realize that the holidays are so hard for so many people.

Any suggestions or advice would be so appreciated about lifting my spirits this year.

 

[City Slicker]

Hey Gizmo,
I am wondering if it's possible for you to start some new traditions that comfort you as you go through this. They can be as simple as having a special food at a certain time, including your husband's favourite foods during the holidays, setting a chair for him. These are some things our clients have done to deal with the grief (they tell me it's worse the second year as well). One of my friends lost her husband and instead of staying in her home town with all the memories, she went on a trip with her daughter.

If my partner died, I would look to find ways to still keep them and their memories included in some way in the festivities. We do this with my brother who died tragically and who never got to realize his potential - during the holidays we 'talk' to him, keep him close in thoughts and share memories of him throughout the holiday season. It's painful no matter what but I feel them a bit closer if I can somehow find a way to include them in things.

Sometimes the best we can do is go through the motions and make ourselves available to the experience and then find that there can be some seconds or even moments of joy and contentment. Thinking about you and how hard this time of year is for you.

 

[Fadeaway]

As I just said in another thread, holidays are evil things and should be banned. The problem is you can't avoid them. They are bright, loud and everywhere. You are forced to see lights and hear music any time you have to leave your house. Society prevents us from avoiding their horrid existence.

No advice, just empathy and offering a shoulder to lean on until the blissful day of Jan 2nd.

 

[Hope4Now]

My heart is with you as you grieve through this. Find time, in between going through the motions, to have quiet time by yourself to feel the loss and sadness. This song has been one that's helped me and my husband grieve for some dear friends who have gone. For me, it helps the tears come. Maybe it will for you too.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Just a thought Gizmo...but what if you just allowed yourself to grieve and go through the process. It is natural and healthy. You had a huge loss in your life. it is okay for the kids to see you sad. It give opportunity for an open discussion about grief.

I truly wish you joy and peace even if only for moments at a time!

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Gizmo, just wanted you to know that I am sending consoling and peaceful thoughts for you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you each and every one of you for the great comfort you have given to me. Thank you for being there for me at this difficult time.

City Slicker thank you so much for your suggestions, and telling me that the second year is the hardest and it made me feel normal for what I am currently experiencing.

Fadeaway thank you so much for the empathy, I really can use that right now.

Hope 4 Now thank you for sharing the gift of music. I so appreciate it.

Pottershand I will grieve openly and did so with my youngest granddaughter tonight and she comforted me. I so appreciate the validation to grieve right now.

Unraveling thank you so much for your comfort.

I guess I am just going to have to feel the pain of grief of missing my husband this holiday season. Last year I was in shock and I had just moved to my daughters house and I was beyond exhausted from caregivers burnout. It has taken me a full year to recover.

I hurt so very much. He loved me so much and I loved him so much. He was such a good man to me through the short thirty six years we were together. I am greatly blessed by having been married to him. He was one of a kind and the disease he had was so insidious. He suffered for so many years.

Again thank you all for your comforting me at this time.

 

[Candleflames]

All I have to offer you is hugs :hug:. The long warm ones with if you'd like. Wish it was more.

 

[shell]

I think doing some caring things for yourself and perhaps allowing yourself to feel what you feel might be in order, I think the second year is harder because there have been such enormous changes in your life, and at the time you were numb, but now you are thawing out. Losing a life long partner is not just the loss them, but the loss of your life as you knew it, I think you have much to grieve.

Grieving is a very different process for everyone, I don't think there is any one way you experience it. My friend who recently lost her husband has been writing him letters to let him know how she is feeling, and how much he meant to her, and for her, that is helping her with the pain. It helps her to express her grief.



Sending you healing hugs.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Hope4Now beautiful song. Thank you for the gift to Gizmo.

Gizmo I am proud of you for offering this in the opened forum. It took courage to ask for love and support on your loss. I have found accepting that we hurt and giving ourselves permission to grieve without guilt nor shame is instrumental is healing.

So please be gentle on yourself without expectations of "being" or feeling a certain way. Just give yourself the gift of all of you this Thanksgiving & Christmas and recognize each feeling a little at a time.

Sincere love your way.:hug:

 

[City Slicker]

Hey Gizmo,
I wanted to add something told to me by a friend who said that the first year was dealing with shock the fact that her husband was gone. The second year was dealing with the grief and pain of learning to live the rest of her life without him.

I am so sorry you have lost this dear man.You experienced such a love as the love you had with him.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Candleflames I so appreciate the hugs. Thank you so very much. I think I need a lot of hugs and I am going to get them from family and friends. Hugs back to you in gratitude.

Shell, once again you hit the nail on the head. Last year, I was in shock and very numb and recovering from caregiver burnout and there were so many things I had to do and take care of and there have been huge changes in my life this past year.

I do feel like I am thawing out right now. I am fully feeling my feelings of grief and loss. I will do special things for myself and my family and friends. I do have so much to grieve so I accept that fact now and will go with the flow of grieving. I think writing letters to him is an excellent thing to do and I will begin to start doing it. Hugs of gratitude.

Recovery4Me thank you so much for the validation and encouragement. This grief has knocked me as if I had been sucker punched, it has been so intense but now I feel more normal and I will be gentle on myself during this process.

I figure that I will just embrace this new grieving process and I will enjoy the holidays with my family and friends in spite of it. I think grief is a friend who is helping me in my healing process. Thank you for the hugs and love.

City Slicker I feel more normal now and not like a freak. It helps so much to know that I am normal for what I am experiencing. It also helps to understand what is happening to me now. Thank you so much for your wise words and compassion which I need right now.

It so helps to understand that I am right where I am supposed to be. Last year, I was so busy handling so many things. I was very busy with so many things that I had no time to grieve.

I am so grateful for the grief right now. I embrace it fully and have such an understanding that I will allow myself to feel all of it and process it and continue to move on with my life.


Thank you everyone so much for the support and wise words and hugs. I feel so relieved to know that it is time to grieve and I have a greater compassion for myself now. Thank you is not enough but it is all I have.