Dom Violence He Hit Our Son

[amymarie]

My ex husband spanked our pre-teen son really hard seven times in January while they were in vacation. For throwing a toothbrush. My son's sibling texted me. I called my lawyer, and I reported my husband to DCF. My ex had been threatening to drop him from the chimney and beat him with a belt until his bottom was black. I had been telling him to stop, and he just kept getting more punitive with them. My son's behavior in school had been suffering since October when my ex's girlfriend moved in the day my sons met her. They had seen her only on the computer.I asked them if they had met her before, and said they thought "she was number 46". I thought my son's difficulty finishing his work was in part due to that transition - my ex thought it was pure obstinance, and that it needed to be punished. Well, in spite of the threats and spankings, the judge kept the custody plan as it was - joint custody. DCF didn't support my allegation of abuse against that son, but they did support my allegations of abuse against my other son. My ex had slapped him hard enough to leave a hand print on his face a few months before I began divorce proceedings. I took a picture and brought it to my lawyer. I gave that picture, from a few years ago, to the DCF investigator. DCF found me guilty of neglect because I didn't call them or the police when my husband slapped my son. Can't get over that; it's killing me. Anyway, the other son, the one who he spanked seven times, was reading a novel in school instead of doing his classwork. He banged his head on his desk (demonstratively more than to cause self injury). He threw his pencil box on the floor and tore up workbooks. The school insisted on a psych eval because they felt they needed more supports in the classroom for him. I felt like screaming, "WE DON'T NEED A PSYCH EVAL TO FIGURE OUT WHY HE IS ACTING OUT, YOU IDIOTS!" They knew everything. By the way, I am a psychologist specializing in child psychology. Yep. The eval found that he has high average to superior intelligence in most subtests, and that he has a severe adjustment disorder (that's the least damning diagnosis he could have received). The psychologist made a point to say that it was partly the family discord and partly my son's belief that the rules don't apply to him because he is super smart that cause him to misbehave in school. He also wrote, "(Name) is a moody and irritable boy". The APA advises against language that characterizes people only by their symptoms. You don't call people "schizophrenics" or "borderlines"; you probably shouldn't characterize them with two negative adjectives either. That sentence struck me as name calling. Anyway, I feel every effing person I went to for help, except the family therapist, and my own therapist, failed my son. The judge sent him right back to his abuser. DCF didn't support the allegation of abuse against that son. The psychologist name-called, and said it was that son's fault as much as the situation, that he was misbehaving. I knew I would have to go through hell when I made the report. I didn't know what new fresh hell it would be. It was as humiliating and painful as anything my ex put me through. I already knew the system was a mess from my experience as a professional in the field. I just can't believe NO ONE is advocating for me and my kids. Except the family therapist. Although, of course, the insurance agency said they would reimburse the cost of that therapy and then reneged. The good news is my ex seems to have realized he can't use corporal punishment. The bad news is, I am a complete mess, I am terrified for my sons, and I can't do any work. I can do cleaning, laundry, stuff like that, but I can't do my professional work. I am really scared that I have done irreparable damage to my sons by not leaving sooner (they were 5 when I left). I am really scared that I made my son's life worse instead of better when I filed the report. I am really scared my son will be labeled and bored and misunderstood in school. How can I best help my sons? Hss anyone had an experience like this?

 

[Neverthesame]

Why did you wait for years before making any attempt to tell the DCF about your ex slapping your son?
Why was the first person a divorce lawyer?

that he has a severe Link Removed (that's the least damning diagnosis he could have received).

What is this supposed to mean exactly?

Do you not feel that it is the appropriate diagnosis?
Why is a diagnosis of a treatable psychological disorder damning?

because he is super smart that cause him to misbehave in school.

Dicipline. This not like yelling at a handicapped child for being slow. This is a learned behavour. It can be corrected by learning a different behaviour.

"(Name) is a moody and irritable boy". The APA advises against language that characterizes people only by their symptoms.

Ok, how would you describe a behaviour without describing a behaviour?

You don't call people "schizophrenics" or "borderlines"; you probably shouldn't characterize them with two negative adjectives at age nine either. That sentence struck me as name calling.

Why not, that's the name of the disorder?
How is it negative?
Those are descriptors.
Name calling? Are you for real?
No, no. Calling him a "whiny little asshole" would be "name calling".

Please remember that if you feel your children are being abused. You should go to the police first. Then get the lawyer. Also, don't wait for years. That is neglect.

 

[amymarie]

are you just a troller? i can't figure out why you are even on this board. are you even serious?

 

[amymarie]

Here are some responses to your assault. I can't even call it a post. I feel you are likely an abuser trying to protect his/her kind.

I shared the photo with a therapist, a psychiatrist, a social worker, and a close friend before contacting a divorce lawyer. I shared it within moments of the slap. And it was a slap in the face. I have worked with a teenage client who got smashed against their face with a wall-mounted telephone by their stepfather, and DCF didn't substantiate the abuse. I have worked with abother client whose family would not bring them back to Puerto Rico because they believed it was the teen's fault their mother died of AIDS. DCF didn't substantiate the abuse. I have worked with an eight year old with clear bruises all over their body. DCF didn't substantiate the abuse.

My statement about his diagnosis was that it was the LEAST damning psychological diagnosis he could receive. Other diagnoses sometimes set up expectancies and biases and stigma, even in the educators and therapists who are supposed to help people. And the other diagnoses that may have been considered are less treatable. You misunderstood my post.

I can't respond to the following quote from your post because it makes absolutely no sense: "Dicipline. This not like yelling at a handicapped child for being slow. This is a learned behavour. It can be corrected by learning a different behaviour."

In response to "Ok, how would you describe a behaviour without describing a behaviour?" Um, I might actually use words that describe action, like VERBS? Not ADJECTIVES? There is a differences between describing a behavior and using a negative adjective that describes a personality. e.g., "John rips up his workbooks when asked to do challenging tasks" versus "John is a moody and irritable boy".

In response to:
Why not, that's the name of the disorder?
How is it negative?
Those are descriptors.
Name calling? Are you for real?
No, no. Calling him a "whiny little asshole" would be "name calling".

I wasn't responding to the use of the name of a disorder. I was responding to the use of the phrase "(Name) is a moody and irritable boy". And the name of a disorder is to be used as a description of set of symptoms, not the entirety of a human being. And, the American Psychological Association condemns it, not just me.

In response to this:
Please remember that if you feel your children are being abused. You should go to the police first. Then get the lawyer. Also, don't wait for years. That is neglect.

You have no idea what I went through before feeling certain it was abuse. Several professionals told me it wasn't. Somehow you don't strike me as a purveyor of loving kindness, morality, and righteousness. But thank you for helping me clarify my own diagnosis. If I didn't have PTSD, there is no way I would bother to respond to someone who cannot understand the post s/he is attempting to deride. Someone who cannot write, spell, or engage in a logical dialogue.

 

[joeylittle]

@Neverthesame - I think you are mis-understanding @amymarie

Why did you wait for years before making any attempt to tell the DCF about your ex slapping your son?
Why was the first person a divorce lawyer?

What I read is that she contacted both DCF (the department of child and family services, which in the US is basically the 'police' for child abuse. They are the ones that investigate) and her lawyer (to contest the custody agreement and get her kid away from her ex), and she did it right away when the first instance happened. Her steps were the right ones. Where do you see that it took her years?

Why is a diagnosis of a treatable psychological disorder damning?

Because for children, the diagnoses become tied to their educational access. A child's diagnosis will follow them around.

Why not, that's the name of the disorder?
How is it negative?
Those are descriptors.

The shorthand of calling someone by their diagnosis is often considered to be reducing the person to only their diagnosis. So, it's the difference between 'Joe is bi-polar' and 'Joe is a person with bi-polar disorder type 2'. In the case of things like anxiety, there's a clinical difference between 'Joe is anxious' and 'Joe has General Anxiety Disorder'. Both, in that instance, can be valid - but the are two different conditions.

There's also an appropriate amount of specificity that goes into diagnosing children, because of their constant developmental changes. It's why, for example, you cannot diagnose a minor with many personality disorders; they are undergoing constant hormonal changes that can mimic certain diagnostic criteria. It doesn't mean you don't diagnose children: it means, in an assessment, you are more specific - "Joe demonstrated uncontrolled rage; when questioned about his experiences at school, he threw a book across the room" is different from "Joe is angry and out of control".

Context and detail matters in any assessment, but especially with under-18s.

You should go to the police first. Then get the lawyer. Also, don't wait for years. That is neglect.

Again, DCF is how it works here. Custody requires going to court. I see a parent who is encountering the kind of horrible non-response of our legal system that happens every day, and it's very hard to find recourse when everyone decides that the kid is more the problem than the abusive parent. American courts default to joint custody as much as they can. It's often completely wrong. Short of kidnapping your own child, a parent can be left with no options to get the child away from the abusive parent.

And many do just that.

 

[amymarie]

Thanks Joeylittle. I'm really sad. I was feeling horrible last week, found this forum, posted something, and got so many helpful responses. I feel very victimized by neverthesame. Basically, it was a trigger. I looked him up and it looks like he is actually helpful to some people and has been on the board for quite some time. That probably means this is not a safe forum for me, unfortunately. Even when I speak to DCF, they tell me they do not FEEL I was neglectful at all, but they couldn't substantiate my ex's abuse and not cite me for neglect because I didn't call the police or DCF the moment he slapped my son. Technically, in my state, you can use a belt or an open hand to strike a child up to four times, as long as you don't leave a mark. Anyway, thanks for your help, but there's no way I can risk another full on assault in a "place" that is supposed to be for support.

 

[Neverthesame]

I apologise, I should have chosen my words better.

I won't bother you again.

 

[joeylittle]

Technically, in my state, you can use a belt or an open hand to strike a child up to four times, as long as you don't leave a mark.

I hate that so much.

Anyway - I'd guess both of you (@Neverthesame and @amymarie) got triggered, and I hope you can both accept that it happened, but not magnify it too much. It happens to us all here.

How we process it and move forward, hopefully having learned a little bit more about ourselves, is what counts.

(And @Neverthesame - I'm 'liking' your apology, not agreeing that you have to go away)

 

[Sighs]

@Neverthesame - I've seen you here plenty and this is the first time I've seen you react so strongly. I agree with @joeylittle - I think you were triggered by the post. You've apologised.

@amymarie - Sometimes things we post here trigger others and the reaction is out of proportion to the post. I would encourage you to stick around. Discussing very emotional topics by text sometimes leads to misunderstandings, emotional tones are read into things etc. But this place is a community of people who care about each other. Its a good resource.

 

[Friday]

Unfortunately, yes. In much the same boat the last 4 years. Except that the abuse and neglect has been proven multiple times over, and his father retains custody... And at this point I am doing my level best to keep psych services away from my son, because the only thing that will happen is negative judgements against him, the child being abused. Ditto, the schools just compound the problem to the point of being complicit. At this point, I DGAF about my sons so-called schools except for how to keep them from inflicting too much additional damage. My state has dual-enrollment... So as soon as my kiddo is old enough, it's going to be breaking from the public school system except for sports & extra-curriculars, and sending TheKiddo to community college at 15. Better courses, better teachers, better schedules, better services. It's going to take a bit to recover from essentially 5 wasted years of school, but it's the only way outside of homeschooling for my son to recover any potential academic future.

Family court needs to be nuked from orbit.

 

[amymarie]

Thank you @joeylittle @Sighs and @FridayJones. I want to get them both in a better school environment and into college classes as soon as humanly possible. I can't do much in terms of charter or alternative schools because of my ex's staunch rejection of my ideas. The best one for them is about a 35 minute drive from where we live. Although I offered to do all the driving. I actually looked into trying to find a job at the best local private school that would fit my sons' personalities (project-based learning, less focus on standardized testing). Usually if you work in a school, your child can attend for free. The best one for my sons is $20,000 a year. The thing is, I have tenure where I teach college; it would be really iffy to give that up. The ex probably wouldn't agree anyway. @FridayJones, I think you are doing the exact right thing, the thing I wanted to do because I was already familiar with the system. The problem is, I was terrified to not be very involved and compliant with the school and get the eval at their request, because my ex is countersuing for custody. I'm realizing that if they won't alter the custody plan when he is abusive, they probably won't alter it in his favor just because he says I am not compliant enough with the school. My dad always jokingly says "as little communication with difficult people as possible". I think he is right where the school is concerned. They are such a sweet, intelligent group of people, but they are completely messing with my son.

 

[Neverthesame]

I promise this is the time you will hear from me @amymarie

I took a couple of days to think about what I said.

I am so sorry. There is no excuse for what I said. Nor will I try offer any, as it will just sound cheap.

I was absolutely wrong. Both in what I said and how I said it. What I did was unbelievably rude and cruel.

I wanted to offer you a proper apology, which I didn't give you the other day. It doesn't make up for it, nor should it. I hope I have not soured you from this wonderful place that has been such a source of help for me.

@joeylittle I owe you and all members here, an apology as well.

@amymarie I emplore you to not let my awful behaviour shine negatively on the wonderful community here.

Once again, I extend my deepest apologies to you for my awful behaviour.