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Hurting

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Silver.

Diamond Member
I guess I am just a bit hurt for my daughter and need to vent.

My daughter's father moved to NY, 4 hours away. He met a woman in April (or May?) and they recently got married. They have moved in with her parents in NY.

We had a sit down a few weeks ago where my s/o and I met his wife. The sit down was an attempt to not have to go back to court and to discuss a change in his visitation schedule starting on Nov 11th, as a 30 day notice would be appropriate as he has a habit of moving and not telling me.

We agreed Mini Me (MM) would see him every other weekend and drop the Tuesday visitation.

He would not be able to pick her up until 730 at night on Fridays, them not getting back to NY until 1130 at night, not okay for a 12 year old. I would like him to pick her up Saturday mornings, he isn't agreeable. He wants his wife to pick MM up because she could get her earlier.
I don't know this woman, she's never driven with MM in the car before, but MM needs to see her father and MM gets on well with his wife. That is what matters.

Still, I have told them, that because he has a history of being dishonest with woman having licenses, that if she showed me she had a license, registration, and insurance, that I would be more agreeable to her picking MM up.
(note: this is a big deal as court order says when MM is with her father, he must be with her at all times due to irresponsibility in the past)

They are refusing to answer me, which is why we are going to go to court to have a judge decide what is best. I think that makes the most sense to put it in the hands of the judge to make these decisions.

Okay...so he texted at 330, (which is a half hour before he is due to pick her up today), that "because of his new job and as per our conversation, he won't be picking up MM".

(again, this wasn't supposed to take effect until the 11th. Rearranging conversation is just his manipulation, always trying to assert control).

I had to tell MM the schedule is starting early, and I am just so hurt for MM that he has chosen this woman and her children over MM.

Since April, MM is constantly getting cancelled on at the last minute. It is hurtful to her, as their relationship is already very strained.

Nothing will change here in our home, she has me, and she has my s/o whom she thinks of (in her words) as her "step daddy". We will still play games, watch movies, art together, cook together, dance, sing and express love.
It's just really hard to hide the hurt right now. Sorry this is so long :/
 
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@Silver. I'm sorry. Kids sometimes seem to get caught in the middle when divorce takes place. You're doing the best that you can with MM with what you are dealing with. MM has you, and "step daddy". Kids are resilient, and MM is old enough to start knowing what's going on. Your EX can't seem to thing long term and how this will hurt his relationship with MM. It's not your job to point that out to him either.

Just keep showing MM love and affection, and doing what your doing......
 
I would also keep the love flowing in your home.

Don't ask children to deal with adult issues. Meaning, I wouldn't explain to MM what her father is doing. Im not saying you are, just more saying she may be old enough to know what is going on but I wouldn't advise her more then she knows already. She likely will blame herself. Kids have a way to make everything their fault. "Dad doesn't want to see me because i did XYZ" or "...because I'm bad." Or a millon other things.

I would just advise her that he loves her (she needs to know that her father still loves her) and advise her that no matter what, it is not her fault and that you and S/O loves her very much as does her father. And then keep doing what you are. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job!

I know you hurt for her. It's hard to see our children hurting! :hug:
 
@Silver sending you a hug:hug:. I think going to a judge is a very good idea and I hate divorce because it is necessary at times with an abusive spouse yet they play power and control and mind games continually.

You are doing the very best you can right now and I am very proud of you in spite of how hard it is to do what you are doing.:hug::hug:
 
When I told her that the schedule was starting early, she said "typical"
I asked her what she meant and she rolled her eyes (typical 8th grader response), and said that she wasn't surprised. I asked her if she wanted to talk and if she was okay and she said she was fine.
I know she will talk when she is ready, either she will come in my room or write in the "Between Us" journal that we write back and forth in.

As much as he is an abusive, manipulative person, we (adults) won't talk ill about him outloud.
She knows exactly who and how he is. (this is her learned experiences with him sadly). They don't have a good relationship and he refuses to try and nurture it.
I don't speak on his behalf to her. It's not my place to build or fix what is going on with those two.
My s/o and I have created (what I think), is a good, encouraging and loving home for her, and that's what we can do for her.

I am really overwhelmed at the support from everyone. It means a lot to me. Thank you so much x
 
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