Supporter I'm Amazed To Awaken To All Of This

[margo94]

Just a little bit about me and my boyfriend. We have been together for a little over 3 years now, but it's been a rocky ride. I knew something was seriously wrong with my bf, but what, I didn't know. I've scroll hours looking up personality disorders and mental disorders. I just couldn't figure it out. By out, I mean why my bf goes into deep depressions, lashes out, pushes me away, etc. One minute he wants to marry me, the other he says "I will be alone the rest of my life, to find someone else better." He actually moved in with me once for about an hour, and started back peddling. I just didn't know what to say, so I've just told him to do what's comfortable, there is no pressure.

In January, something amazing happened. He actually started going to therapy after his dad and I expressed concern about how scary he's been at times. Not scary that he would hurt us, but scary that he was going to hurt himself. He has attempted to take his own life more than once. His therapist told him she was certain he had PTSD. I didn't think it was so. I mean, in my mind I was thinking he wasn't in a war. However, I did at one time believe he and I might both have the complex version from abuse, if it really was a thing. We've both been in childhood abuse and abusive romantic relationships. I don't have severe symptoms like he does, and have more healing. However, I have a great deal of anxiety and abandonment fears still. Actually, abandonment is my biggest fear from him. I don't mind the distance, just don't abandon me.

Anyways, I'd like to say that in the past few days I've read many posts here. I want to say thank you for this site, and I do now believe his therapist is right. I now know, not to take the unanswered messages and lashing out personal. I always did. I always thought it was all my fault, and why can't he just love me?

I guess if I was going to ask one big question, it'd have to be about the pushing away. He always seems like he wants reassurance from that. He always assumes I'm better off without him or going to leave him. He does bad things when he is in a deep place to cope. Then he feels guilty, and distances himself.

I want to know what makes you push people away, and do you want reassurance? I know this is different for people.

Again, thank you.. and big virtual hugs to you all. I empathize with all of you on both sides of the fence. I wish there was a cure for this. Everyone deserves to be happy.

 

[EveHarrington]

Feeling suffocated makes me push people away. (The idealist relationship to me would be very casual------but not in the "sleeping with many people" sense.)

With me, reassurance tends to backfire. Actions speak------words freak me out.

 

[Nevermore]

Hi @margo94
Glad you found this site - both for your own self and your relationship.
The pushing away thing, with me anyway, has been a survival thing - kind of like, Iv that person really knew how bad j get inside and how crazy I really feel at times, would they really want to be with me. And if I tell them, surely they will leave.
I think intimacy is not easy even for the healthiest of us. If involves vulnerability and that takes courage and confidence.
For some of us, both have been severely eroded!
But one thing I have come to know in my life is that trust and love exist very closely to each other if they aren't in fact one and the same.
The one wsy to build trust and love is to stay and to try to understand, and be open enough to be vulnerable as well, and ask the other to stay and to understand.
We all need that, even if one may be more wounded than the other. Sometimes giving someone space is thd best way to build trust. It's about listening to each other and validating each other and wanting ig to work.
Wish you all the best of everything.
Welcome!