monkeytrial
New Here
Hey y'all. Im new here but not new to PTSD. Just been working on myself with regards to how to lessen the severity of PTSD related reactions to things that bug me. It will never go away but Ive been in some bouts of remission. And I hate this font!!
But there is one question I think sometimes I know the answer to on some levels but need help with what causes this to happen with people/one person who was my best friend in university ( which i will refer to as college from now.) when there appears to be no motive I can see.
Im 11 yrs older and when I first met her she loved my sense of fashion and expensive taste. Since I was already 30 and got into college as a mature student I also had my own house in a fancy part of town. Her family background is good but unlike me, she wasn't slowed down by PTSD and had all the advantages I didn't at her age. In other words, she had a strong family life, a brother, friends and all the encouragement to prepare for life as a grown up with a great job.
I didn't have any of that and at the time was starting to get bummed out. I looked hot last summer but I noticed my face changing in a way I didn't like. Im saying this part because it illustrates part of my psychological corner turning. She only knew what she saw. And she saw the exterior of my life and it's fictitious trappings of wealth. I knew this.
When it came to studies she could just read a book and write a paper or pass an exam with no effort. I on the other hand had undiagnosed ADD from the PTSD. Remember, this is my account and some of my beliefs on dealing with Ptsd are naturally going to radically differ form some and totally relatable to others.
So, after struggling for 2 yrs as a part time student I did what any self respecting drop out would do, I auditioned for the college's student rag and made it to staff writer. It was something I could do well and after each story went out on the first page or 3rd I felt great about myself.
So, she got an honors BA and worked at job she got through a connection, her mother and in a few brief yrs became a stock broker and got accepted into all these fancy accelerated courses. She could now afford to buy her own clothes instead of borrowing mine which I so generously let her. I am like that in real life with people, generous to a fault sometimes. I still wrote the odd news story. But I did audition for one of our major daily rags and got time with an editor of the business section. He said I was as good as any from journalism school but I got there too late, and had he met me earlier...blah blah blah.
This made me feel incredible! I got this chance through a guy with whom Ii had befriended so he lent me his brother in law who was an accountant at one of the big firms. But that was my own connection. I had sweated over that one.
I was broke all the time and my appearance suffered. Please do not judge this part. Too many women do but please please stick to the factual events as I unfold them objectively. I had actually been raised around designer clothes and wealth. I was married into it. By that I mean my real mother got remarried to a man she refused to marry unless he adopted me. I was 12 and assimilated well into it. But
I was not brought up around it. My mother had her own successful hair salon and my new dad was attracted to her by her sense of self reliance as well as her looks. She used to live in LA. Her father was form Tennessee so we had kin folk there and Alabama. I went to live in Harvest county for 2 yrs in the late 70s. So, from that environment to chauffeur driven cars which I found embarrassing. But I sure as hell learned to read and write! In fact there is nothing about me that shouts social climber. I am proud of that.
But my new dad would treat me as well as he did my mother and does and did little to inspire me to do great things with my future. I wasn't encouraged to work hard at school because he did tell me I wold never have to work, Even though I'm sober now for 27 years, he's on this tough love kick. He even joined Alanon after I got sober back in 1990. He doesn't treat me as a daughter because he doesn't want anyone to think Im his girlfriend. ( Forgot to mention he divorced my mother after 4 yrs.) He has never touched me and the nature of my PTSD is more comparable to military.
I got into college around the time my dad came into a shit load of money he made from selling part of his company. I told him I really wanted to go to college so I could become independent. He told me to work at Mc Donalds and work my way up from there.
Added to existing ptsd I was floored. Id taken a huge hit when the event that caused it happened. I went into a state of crazed disbelief.
My best buddy had already been on vacation with me to my dad's place in Europe. He thoroughly approved of her from the start. She had a standing invitation from me for forever.
My dad put her in charge of some money he had set up for my basic well being. It equalled the same as any welfare benefit would to people who use it.
Skip forward to now when she'd been to Europe with me about--this would be the 4th time. I might mention here that her brother also had an unfettered invite as well as his bringing a GF is they were in a serious relationship. This happened once. This time my good fiend is going to marry one of her bro's friends who is a successful money anylist.
Over dinner one night my dad told me when i asked him about why my grandmother (his mother) hadn't been able to see me due to engagements. He said the truth was she didn't want to see me. I went ballistic.
My friend didn't do anything to comfort me. I asked her if she had a cigarette as I needed one after all that!
She sat there silent over coffee. It was actually my dad's birthday, FYI. She told me, 'I don't smoke...'
She did smoke! Later she told me to get it together because she didn't want my dad to know she smoked!
She didn't understand why I got so upset. This came on so all of a sudden. Another shocking moment of disbelief and sanity questioning. I felt like Ingrid Bergman in Gaslight. My voice went high and i talk-cried. Before this happened we had planned to drive to Italy to buy things for cheap before going home. I n the car she was and real c u next tuesday. I called her one at the top of my lungs. I had a lump in my throat that stopped my normally low and controlled voice from winning. I have since learned to do a Clint Eastwood on her and speak slowly and quietly, but it wouldn't happen until over a decade later.
And here's where my question begins. She knows at this point I've been humiliated by my dad, that she now has control over me and a direct line to my dad whose ass she kisses. So why is she treating me so badly.
Very briefly we tried to make up. We both said it felt like a relationship with a guy kind of breakup. I know she was being genuine but her social climbing ways took over and she became the devil.
She knew I didn't have a lot of money and she now did. Did my dad tell her he gave me everything? In truth he didn't. He did spend money on things I didn't need though. He said it was a course to take for a hobby. But what did he tell her about me? I am wondering this because her behavior to me suggests jealousy. Some people say I'm better looking. Some people say she is. Nothing there to be jealous of...
I blew money on a pr of boots on sale one January and she borrowed them while they were very in. You can guess she I got them back. She said shit like I didn't need them because I didn't g o out the way she did.
As I got stronger I was able to call her on her shit. Each time I tried she'd start to get angry. Like explosive angry. She wise cracked in a group of people that included me that people form the South are stupid. Months later I tried to get a word in about people from her ethnicity are retarded. She got mad at me. At the time during the first part of this I spoke up in defense of the South and she just said, like well, it's like true and you should get over it.
As I write Im starting to notice a pattern. Whenever something to do with feelings that are very emotional she immediately shuts it down by overriding the conversation with something tangible. I know I used to do this one a LOT But she never saw me.
One thing she did say to me once very very early on when she started working was she had a hard time dealing with strong personalities. I asked her who. She said, oh, like you...my brother....
How could I have forgotten that one! I guess its because I know there's a lot more.
In college once we had to give an oral presentation in front of the class. It was a tutorial class and not many people. She gave hers without a hitch. My larnxy made me talk like Mickey Mouse.
Years later she came to a comedy night at which I was doing a set. I had mentioned it to her in passing and she said she'd go. I didn't believe her. She showed and brought her mother who is and was and always will be a very mince lady. After the show, she came up to me and her mouth was open. I mean like agape with surprise. As if her demeanor said to me, I can't believe you did that and so well. I am shocked that you are actually going to make it. I can't believe you got over stage fright. She seemed scared that I found my voice after all the shit she knew had been thrown my way over the years. But most comedians come from a dark place.
It was true, I engaged the audience and got invited back to perform. I screwed up but you couldn't tell because I caught jokes as they failed and somehow managed to bring them to life in ways I hadn't expected.
I got the sense her reaction as said above was one of disbelief that I was on my way doing something I love but had been thus far terrified of. Unpaid and unknown still but I did it and kept doing it. It was as if she was almost disappointed I was going to do well. It was mixed emotions.
I had always been naturally funny with intelligent wise ass stuff and hated myself because I didn't have to guts to go up there. It was like Id been a comedian for 30 years but had stage fright. Many times people would tell me to do it. I secretly wanted to but as I said, I was scared.
It was actually through therapy and rehab related stuff that brought me out of the darkness and sent me scared and onto the stage, mind you the first time I had the Mickey voice a bit. I became strong enough to establish boundaries that I initiated. I said we could make up if we agreed to stop ourselves if we felt a bad feeling coming on. This is working. We don't see each other much and she still tells me gratuitously we should get together. blah blah blah whatever.
In closing I ask anyone trying to process this, is she jealous? If not then what the f*ck is up with her? I no no understand this prissy behavior. Is she initiating what she thinks a grown up should act like? Is she overriding hurt? I do know her dad has a huge gambling problem. That's the only thing she says bothers her but I don't go all crazy on her ass and make up shit and tell her to get over it. Is this her weakening my admittedly strong personality?
Though writing this has given me some insight, I still want to know what you think she's up to with me. At the time I tried to reinforce the fact that even if she did drugs right in front of him, my dad would still keep her employed! And it's true. Im dealing with his narcissistic control freakiness. I had once shared with her the nature of my ptsd. In brief, my dad paid some people who ran group home to control me. They chopped off my hair and forbade me to speak to anyone, kept me out of school, forced confinement. And foxed religion onto me. My dad had tried to have me made a ward of the state through these people but found he couldn't because I was already 16. So this in brief is then nature of my trauma. My mother had rescued me and my dad had threatened to divorce her if she helped me. He was true to his word. He controlled her every move. She wasn't allied to give me any cash money at all! This man made me dependent on him after telling me not to work hard or get a job! Also instead of sending me back to Alabama with my real family he had tried to make me a ward! That's still with me. I can't believe it though it's true. Anyway. This is not about his contribution. Thanks guys...
This is my story and if I have triggered anyone I apologize for it. If I have, just remember you are technically free. Maybe not in your mind but you can run away from bad things and join up with those of us who are still suffering but trying to make a go of life. You have the power and a trigger is temporary. It will feel like shit when you're feeling it because it is yours and your experience alone. But you will come through it. It will come back and bite you but you can smack it down and stomp on it.
Regards,
Teri
But there is one question I think sometimes I know the answer to on some levels but need help with what causes this to happen with people/one person who was my best friend in university ( which i will refer to as college from now.) when there appears to be no motive I can see.
Im 11 yrs older and when I first met her she loved my sense of fashion and expensive taste. Since I was already 30 and got into college as a mature student I also had my own house in a fancy part of town. Her family background is good but unlike me, she wasn't slowed down by PTSD and had all the advantages I didn't at her age. In other words, she had a strong family life, a brother, friends and all the encouragement to prepare for life as a grown up with a great job.
I didn't have any of that and at the time was starting to get bummed out. I looked hot last summer but I noticed my face changing in a way I didn't like. Im saying this part because it illustrates part of my psychological corner turning. She only knew what she saw. And she saw the exterior of my life and it's fictitious trappings of wealth. I knew this.
When it came to studies she could just read a book and write a paper or pass an exam with no effort. I on the other hand had undiagnosed ADD from the PTSD. Remember, this is my account and some of my beliefs on dealing with Ptsd are naturally going to radically differ form some and totally relatable to others.
So, after struggling for 2 yrs as a part time student I did what any self respecting drop out would do, I auditioned for the college's student rag and made it to staff writer. It was something I could do well and after each story went out on the first page or 3rd I felt great about myself.
So, she got an honors BA and worked at job she got through a connection, her mother and in a few brief yrs became a stock broker and got accepted into all these fancy accelerated courses. She could now afford to buy her own clothes instead of borrowing mine which I so generously let her. I am like that in real life with people, generous to a fault sometimes. I still wrote the odd news story. But I did audition for one of our major daily rags and got time with an editor of the business section. He said I was as good as any from journalism school but I got there too late, and had he met me earlier...blah blah blah.
This made me feel incredible! I got this chance through a guy with whom Ii had befriended so he lent me his brother in law who was an accountant at one of the big firms. But that was my own connection. I had sweated over that one.
I was broke all the time and my appearance suffered. Please do not judge this part. Too many women do but please please stick to the factual events as I unfold them objectively. I had actually been raised around designer clothes and wealth. I was married into it. By that I mean my real mother got remarried to a man she refused to marry unless he adopted me. I was 12 and assimilated well into it. But
I was not brought up around it. My mother had her own successful hair salon and my new dad was attracted to her by her sense of self reliance as well as her looks. She used to live in LA. Her father was form Tennessee so we had kin folk there and Alabama. I went to live in Harvest county for 2 yrs in the late 70s. So, from that environment to chauffeur driven cars which I found embarrassing. But I sure as hell learned to read and write! In fact there is nothing about me that shouts social climber. I am proud of that.
But my new dad would treat me as well as he did my mother and does and did little to inspire me to do great things with my future. I wasn't encouraged to work hard at school because he did tell me I wold never have to work, Even though I'm sober now for 27 years, he's on this tough love kick. He even joined Alanon after I got sober back in 1990. He doesn't treat me as a daughter because he doesn't want anyone to think Im his girlfriend. ( Forgot to mention he divorced my mother after 4 yrs.) He has never touched me and the nature of my PTSD is more comparable to military.
I got into college around the time my dad came into a shit load of money he made from selling part of his company. I told him I really wanted to go to college so I could become independent. He told me to work at Mc Donalds and work my way up from there.
Added to existing ptsd I was floored. Id taken a huge hit when the event that caused it happened. I went into a state of crazed disbelief.
My best buddy had already been on vacation with me to my dad's place in Europe. He thoroughly approved of her from the start. She had a standing invitation from me for forever.
My dad put her in charge of some money he had set up for my basic well being. It equalled the same as any welfare benefit would to people who use it.
Skip forward to now when she'd been to Europe with me about--this would be the 4th time. I might mention here that her brother also had an unfettered invite as well as his bringing a GF is they were in a serious relationship. This happened once. This time my good fiend is going to marry one of her bro's friends who is a successful money anylist.
Over dinner one night my dad told me when i asked him about why my grandmother (his mother) hadn't been able to see me due to engagements. He said the truth was she didn't want to see me. I went ballistic.
My friend didn't do anything to comfort me. I asked her if she had a cigarette as I needed one after all that!
She sat there silent over coffee. It was actually my dad's birthday, FYI. She told me, 'I don't smoke...'
She did smoke! Later she told me to get it together because she didn't want my dad to know she smoked!
She didn't understand why I got so upset. This came on so all of a sudden. Another shocking moment of disbelief and sanity questioning. I felt like Ingrid Bergman in Gaslight. My voice went high and i talk-cried. Before this happened we had planned to drive to Italy to buy things for cheap before going home. I n the car she was and real c u next tuesday. I called her one at the top of my lungs. I had a lump in my throat that stopped my normally low and controlled voice from winning. I have since learned to do a Clint Eastwood on her and speak slowly and quietly, but it wouldn't happen until over a decade later.
And here's where my question begins. She knows at this point I've been humiliated by my dad, that she now has control over me and a direct line to my dad whose ass she kisses. So why is she treating me so badly.
Very briefly we tried to make up. We both said it felt like a relationship with a guy kind of breakup. I know she was being genuine but her social climbing ways took over and she became the devil.
She knew I didn't have a lot of money and she now did. Did my dad tell her he gave me everything? In truth he didn't. He did spend money on things I didn't need though. He said it was a course to take for a hobby. But what did he tell her about me? I am wondering this because her behavior to me suggests jealousy. Some people say I'm better looking. Some people say she is. Nothing there to be jealous of...
I blew money on a pr of boots on sale one January and she borrowed them while they were very in. You can guess she I got them back. She said shit like I didn't need them because I didn't g o out the way she did.
As I got stronger I was able to call her on her shit. Each time I tried she'd start to get angry. Like explosive angry. She wise cracked in a group of people that included me that people form the South are stupid. Months later I tried to get a word in about people from her ethnicity are retarded. She got mad at me. At the time during the first part of this I spoke up in defense of the South and she just said, like well, it's like true and you should get over it.
As I write Im starting to notice a pattern. Whenever something to do with feelings that are very emotional she immediately shuts it down by overriding the conversation with something tangible. I know I used to do this one a LOT But she never saw me.
One thing she did say to me once very very early on when she started working was she had a hard time dealing with strong personalities. I asked her who. She said, oh, like you...my brother....
How could I have forgotten that one! I guess its because I know there's a lot more.
In college once we had to give an oral presentation in front of the class. It was a tutorial class and not many people. She gave hers without a hitch. My larnxy made me talk like Mickey Mouse.
Years later she came to a comedy night at which I was doing a set. I had mentioned it to her in passing and she said she'd go. I didn't believe her. She showed and brought her mother who is and was and always will be a very mince lady. After the show, she came up to me and her mouth was open. I mean like agape with surprise. As if her demeanor said to me, I can't believe you did that and so well. I am shocked that you are actually going to make it. I can't believe you got over stage fright. She seemed scared that I found my voice after all the shit she knew had been thrown my way over the years. But most comedians come from a dark place.
It was true, I engaged the audience and got invited back to perform. I screwed up but you couldn't tell because I caught jokes as they failed and somehow managed to bring them to life in ways I hadn't expected.
I got the sense her reaction as said above was one of disbelief that I was on my way doing something I love but had been thus far terrified of. Unpaid and unknown still but I did it and kept doing it. It was as if she was almost disappointed I was going to do well. It was mixed emotions.
I had always been naturally funny with intelligent wise ass stuff and hated myself because I didn't have to guts to go up there. It was like Id been a comedian for 30 years but had stage fright. Many times people would tell me to do it. I secretly wanted to but as I said, I was scared.
It was actually through therapy and rehab related stuff that brought me out of the darkness and sent me scared and onto the stage, mind you the first time I had the Mickey voice a bit. I became strong enough to establish boundaries that I initiated. I said we could make up if we agreed to stop ourselves if we felt a bad feeling coming on. This is working. We don't see each other much and she still tells me gratuitously we should get together. blah blah blah whatever.
In closing I ask anyone trying to process this, is she jealous? If not then what the f*ck is up with her? I no no understand this prissy behavior. Is she initiating what she thinks a grown up should act like? Is she overriding hurt? I do know her dad has a huge gambling problem. That's the only thing she says bothers her but I don't go all crazy on her ass and make up shit and tell her to get over it. Is this her weakening my admittedly strong personality?
Though writing this has given me some insight, I still want to know what you think she's up to with me. At the time I tried to reinforce the fact that even if she did drugs right in front of him, my dad would still keep her employed! And it's true. Im dealing with his narcissistic control freakiness. I had once shared with her the nature of my ptsd. In brief, my dad paid some people who ran group home to control me. They chopped off my hair and forbade me to speak to anyone, kept me out of school, forced confinement. And foxed religion onto me. My dad had tried to have me made a ward of the state through these people but found he couldn't because I was already 16. So this in brief is then nature of my trauma. My mother had rescued me and my dad had threatened to divorce her if she helped me. He was true to his word. He controlled her every move. She wasn't allied to give me any cash money at all! This man made me dependent on him after telling me not to work hard or get a job! Also instead of sending me back to Alabama with my real family he had tried to make me a ward! That's still with me. I can't believe it though it's true. Anyway. This is not about his contribution. Thanks guys...
This is my story and if I have triggered anyone I apologize for it. If I have, just remember you are technically free. Maybe not in your mind but you can run away from bad things and join up with those of us who are still suffering but trying to make a go of life. You have the power and a trigger is temporary. It will feel like shit when you're feeling it because it is yours and your experience alone. But you will come through it. It will come back and bite you but you can smack it down and stomp on it.
Regards,
Teri
