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Childhood First time acknowledging my trauma - Schizophrenic Mother & Abusive Father - Need Help Dealing With Triggers

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When i was younger my mother was diagnosed as schizophrenic and my dad was verbally and physically abusive. I found myself trying to physically and emotionally protect my mother, my father. I know that neighbours knew what was going on but didn't need help . I felt I was the one who had to be an adult at an early age and deal with situations I really knew nothing about.

My mother always blamed me when she was dragged to hospital by police and paramedics. She never blamed my dad for anything even when he verbally and physically abused her. I found myself having to protect her, protect my dad when she had an episode. I also found noone ever protected me from all that was going on.

When my mum had episodes she would try to attack me with scissors, knives and tried to shoot me. I also witnessed my dad be stabbed during an episode. Then my dad at times was physically abusive where one episode he got her to the ground and was kicking her. I was between 6-8 years old. I remember jumping on her to protect her especially her head only to be flung against the wall. And I went back to try to protect her.

Even when this was happening I felt I was okay I would tell myself others have it worse than me and I'd got through it. I did well at school, had friends mainly males as I found they weren't judgemental even though they didn't know what
was going on. And apart of me was proud I could keep it together.

Now that I'm in my 40s I have no connections with anyone. I'm married but tend to keep him at arms length just incase I get hurt. I feel depressed and lonely more often and don't know how to break out of the cycle. I just know I want to be truly happy. I find myself being jealous of people who can just talk freely to others about their problems.

Looking back people looked at schizophrenics as crazy, don't go near them and as a kid you saw the way people looked at them, gossiped and even mocked. I also felt like if i talked my mum would go into an institution and I never wanted that for her and didn't want to break up the family. Even though I felt after her diagnosis we weren't close any more I always wanted to protect her.

I think deep down I really think my mother hated me.

I find myself being triggered when entering hospitals, being lied to especially by women.

I just joined the forum in the hope to connect with people that can help me break free of this vicious cycle I find myself in.

This is the first time I have reflected on what happened and first time acknowledging I have trauma.

Any help would be grateful in dealing with my triggers as it has really taken a toll right now and I can't seem to get out of it.
 
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