Relationship New Relationship - She's Withdrawing

[hopelessladylover]

Three months ago, I met this lovely girl and we began dating. I knew she had PTSD (sexual violence) and read up about it, but now I am learning that my research wasn't enough.

I noticed that in the past week, she had been acting a little differently. We used to be in contact all day every day, but now it takes her a while to respond, would avoid keeping a conversation with me, and ultimately would avoid seeing me.

She then told me two days ago that her PTSD/depression has begun to suck her in, and that given her previous experience, it will only get worse. She told me that she was a "basket case" for months, lost 40 lbs, and doesn't deal with her issues head on. My positivity and words of encouragement are met with rejection and it stings since I really care about her and mean her well, but I guess she isn't recognizing that.

She recently signed up for counselling and will have her first session on Monday, but until then, she's requested for some space since people aggravate her. I guess I'm really down too since it's her birthday this weekend and I wanted to spend it with her, but I guess that's off the table now.

How do I approach communicating with her? Do I just stop? Do I check in once in a while? What questions am I not allowed to ask? I actually asked her this straight up but her answer was vague (she said she needed space until things clear up). She's a wonderful person and all I want to do right now is make her feel safe. Help? =/

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you should let her take the lead. Therapy has a habit of opening up Pandora's box, so right now might not be the best time for a relationship. [It might however, possibly be the worst time for a relationship, as she hasn't even begun her healing journey.]

You could try to check in with her periodically, but even so, she might be so shut down that she doesn't even respond to that. Sometimes just hearing from my friends once in a month is too much for me and pushes me farther away with no more communication. I wouldn't push to speak to her more than every few days or so, and like I said, let her take the lead.

Do NOT ever ask her about her trauma. Never, never, never. Many supporters think that this is a good way to get their sufferer to open up, but its not, for a number of reasons. If she fully discloses her trauma to you, it could make her spin out of control and you don't have the training to know how to handle that (nor does she at this point.) And, if you hear all the details of what happened to her, you could start experiencing symptoms yourself, and once those images are in your head, they aren't going anywhere. I've seen a number of supporters post saying they wish they'd never asked. [Someone disclosed their trauma to me, and since I'm post-processing of my own trauma, her trauma is the one that now bothers me. No, I didn't ask to be told, it was unloaded on me.]

I understand wanting to make her feel safe, and I think its great that you want to help her, but she's the one who has to do the healing on her own, and your job is to support her. She must develop her own sense of safety. Its ok if you are a "safe" person, but I caution against her becoming overly reliant on you as that figure in her life. If you want to continue to be safe to her, do NOT push. If you push her, she will start to see you as an unsafe person, and things could go downhill from there.

 

[arfie]

No, @hopelessladylover, your research will never make you the expert of anybody's PTSD. It will not even make me the expert of my own cPTSD. I have my doubts we will ever find an expert solution.

My beloved mega-geek is most helpful when he is plying the, "Ears open, mouth shut" mantra. The mauling halls of my PTSD are spooky, mysterious places. New facts bouncing out of the shadows is not especially helpful when I am attempting to open the door of a blocked memory. Gentle votes of confidence and focus are my needs of the moment.

It is hers to sort, ladylover. Just assure her that she can and let the rest go.

That's my theory and I'm sticking to it for at least long enough to hit, "Post Reply."

 

[Justmehere]

I can tell that you care a lot about her and really want to be there for her.

When someone is in the throes of depression or other PTSD symptoms, someone sending positive comments is sometimes annoying, even if well intended. For me, it's like I have the flu and someone says come on, just run a mile and you will feel great! Look on the bright side! It is well intentioned but it isn't what I need. Someone validating what I'm feeling and just being there with me in it can be a lot more helpful. Maybe this is the case with her, maybe not.

How do I approach communicating with her? Do I just stop? Do I check in once in a while? What questions am I not allowed to ask? I actually asked her this straight up but her answer was vague (she said she needed space until things clear up). She's a wonderful person and all I want to do right now is make her feel safe. Help? =/

If you need more clarity about what giving her "space" looks like, I would ask her for more clarity. It's hard for anyone else to say. Same for what questions you are not "allowed" to ask. You can ask anything, and she has the freedom to tell you no or not answer. If you want to know what questions won't help, ask her.

You can't make her feel safe. You can only be a safe person. PTSD makes it much harder to learn that someone is safe or not - but she has to work it out for herself in therapy and in life. You can only be safe and in time, she will either learn you are safe or not - or the PTSD will prevent her from being able to learn that.

I would suggest less trying to change or rescue her from the symptoms she is suffering from, and more of being present and available for just being there to listen when things get rough.

If she is starting trauma therapy, things will very likely her much worse before they get better. She will likely push you away much more than she is now when she processes the trauma. It would be good to think through if you or her are ready for that. You won't be able to make her feel safe enough to be close to you. She may project things on you that are not you if you are close to her - and that can be hard for even trained professionals.

In the end, she may not be ready for that. But if you are a consistent friend, someone not seeking to change or rescue her but her be there for her, maybe she will reach out for a closer relationship one day.

 

[hopelessladylover]

Thank you everyone for your helpful words. They indeed give me perspective that I never would have gotten elsewhere. In my head I'm preparing for the worse in terms of our relationship. If she feels like she can't deal with me right now, I can step back.

Really sad though since it's her birthday tomorrow. Will a simple "happy birthday" message do? Or is that too distant?

 

[Sweetpea76]

There is a lot of learning to be done when you get involved with somebody who has PTSD. No supporter knows automatically what to do in every situation. For example, your first instinct may be to help and comfort somebody you love when they don't feel well. However, what may be considered a loving gesture by anybody else can be considered smothering by a PTSD sufferer who needs space to cope. Not knowing that doesn't make you clingy or needy, it just means you had to learn the right way to handle the situation. Giving her that space may be the most loving thing you can do for her. Isolation periods happen, and it is something that you have to learn to deal with as a supporter. It is not that sufferers want their space, it's that they need their space. It's pretty sucky for us supporters, and I'm sure it's even suckier for our sufferers.

If I can give you any advice, it would be to just relax and roll with it. If your relationship continues, you will figure things out. You sound like you care enough to research and ask advice from other people in your situation, which is a very good start. It also seems like you are listening to her and trying to do the right and loving thing. Just remember to take care of yourself too, because it is easy to make yourself nuts worrying about it all.

A simple "Happy Birthday. I'm here if you need me" text would probably be OK, but resist the urge to keep texting or messaging her. She will message you back if and when she is ready.