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Strange......maybe....but It Works For Me!

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Deleted member 34535

Having lived with PTSD plus all of my other diagnosis for 50 plus years will give you some interesting ways of looking at things. A few months ago I came to what I thought would be a solid conclusion that I would never achieve full healing until I could see what actually happened to me when I was very, very young. I have the macro picture of what happened to me and my brother. I had enough to sit the one living culprit down face to face and hammer them with one point after another for almost an hour. At the end of this, the culprit stated, " You know, rapes and things just happen in society." Almost like saying, " Hell, you should have enjoyed it."
The other potential culprit has been gone for 17 years. I am not sure about this person's culpability, but I have quite a few puzzle pieces that do not look good for this person. I have one or two fears that I would much rather take a bullet than endure this. And if I told you what they were, you would say, why that's no big deal. And I have absolutely no memory of not having these fears or phobias.
So I started thinking. At the time that our traumas occur, something magical happens inside our bodies and brains that has one singular purpose. To protect us from exposure to our traumas until which time that we are able and willing to see them and deal with them. And when this magical thing is created, it gives us some very uncomfortable things that are extremely difficult to deal with. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar Mood Swings, OCD, you name it.
So I have decided to be friends with my protector. My friend had to give me MDD, PTSD, OCD, Major Anxiety Disorder, etc. All for one purpose, to protect me from exposing me to my Early Childhood Trauma. My friend has worked 24/7....365 without asking me for anything. He did not even ask me to acknowledge that he exists. By the way, my friend's name is Buddy. Because he is my buddy and has been with me from day one of my ordeals.
So I am leaving it up to Buddy whether I need to see fully the events of my early childhood trauma. Whether we just let it die and go away or whether we need to see everything, I am letting Buddy make this call. I have assured Buddy that he will always be my friend and I will never forget him. If he wants, the two of us can just enjoy life and chill out and forget anything ever happened. If we can't do that until we dig up all of the bones in the graveyard, then so be it. A digging we will go. For me, it makes more sense to work with my buddy than curse him and wish him ill will. Thank you for your time.
 
I love this @crc53liamt !!! Wish I had read that a long time ago... what a healing way to look at things... And please tell Buddy he has done a great job of protecting you and led you here... So if the two of you decide it is to be dealt with, he has provided you with a lot of additional support.... Thank you so much for sharing... I love it when someone offers such a gentle and true way of seeing things. Glad you are here !!
 
I love this @crc53liamt !!! Wish I had read that a long time ago... what a healing way...
Ladee, thank you for your nice response. But more importantly, my thoughts and prayers for you and everyone in your town and the families and those who lost their lives. Healing prayers for all of you!!
 
Thank you ! I don't live in Dallas, but am a Texan.. I live about 5 hours South of Dallas. Senseless slaughter. Thank you for your words of comfort.. means a lot... A very sad day here .
 
Ladee, thank you for your nice response. But more importantly, my thoughts and prayers for you and e...
One characteristic of my Buddy that makes sense to me is that he is frozen in time. When our traumas occur and our protectors are born, they have one singular focus and that is to protect us from out traumas at the time the trauma occurs. This is why they exist. So I believe that it is quite possible that my Buddy still thinks I am 3 and not 53. The two of us are building a relationship slowly and patiently. I know nothing, but my thinking is that when my buddy realizes I am 53 and not 3 and that I am ok, maybe he will relax and loosen his grip on me. Thus the two of us might just be able to enjoy life and leave all of this behind us forever. We will see!
 
Or maybe, as you have conversations with Buddy, as I do my Inner Child, things will ease up and he will loosen his grip... but like you said. always let him know you will never abandon him... not ever... I wrote conversations with my Inner Child for quite awhile... But I know I had a 'Buddy' of my own, don't know her name, but am going to do some work on this and see what happens...
But I think I am coming at this from the other end... but at the same time, I guess I never wondered who was protecting me while I was protecting her... Sure wasn't the adults around me... I was just trying to survive...
This is a wonderful healing post you have shared. I do appreciate your taking the risk to share about Buddy.
 
Or maybe, as you have conversations with Buddy, as I do my Inner Child, things will ease up and he will l...
Thank you Ladee!!! Buddy and myself are just getting to know each other on a personal level. I know he has been there from the start of this, but I was just a little too high strung on anxiety along with all of the other things that Buddy deemed necessary to keep me safe. He has a wonderful spirit because all that he ever does is give of himself. I am looking forward to the two of us building a strong relationship built on mutual respect. Thank You Again.
 
i know im a little late on this one, but i absolutely love this. i to have no memory, and i like the thought of " making friends" with the subconscious as our protector. i always thought i was tough and untouchable and now i know it wasnt me, it was my buddy. he is the reason i survived thus far. im so glad you posted this. Thank you!
 
i know im a little late on this one, but i absolutely love this. i to have no memory, and i like the th...
Thank you LDM0899. If only one person understood what I was trying to say, it is more than worth it to me. I wish my buddy good morning every day and wish him a peaceful night's rest. Thank you again for your kindness.
 
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