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Deleted member 34535
Having lived with PTSD plus all of my other diagnosis for 50 plus years will give you some interesting ways of looking at things. A few months ago I came to what I thought would be a solid conclusion that I would never achieve full healing until I could see what actually happened to me when I was very, very young. I have the macro picture of what happened to me and my brother. I had enough to sit the one living culprit down face to face and hammer them with one point after another for almost an hour. At the end of this, the culprit stated, " You know, rapes and things just happen in society." Almost like saying, " Hell, you should have enjoyed it."
The other potential culprit has been gone for 17 years. I am not sure about this person's culpability, but I have quite a few puzzle pieces that do not look good for this person. I have one or two fears that I would much rather take a bullet than endure this. And if I told you what they were, you would say, why that's no big deal. And I have absolutely no memory of not having these fears or phobias.
So I started thinking. At the time that our traumas occur, something magical happens inside our bodies and brains that has one singular purpose. To protect us from exposure to our traumas until which time that we are able and willing to see them and deal with them. And when this magical thing is created, it gives us some very uncomfortable things that are extremely difficult to deal with. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar Mood Swings, OCD, you name it.
So I have decided to be friends with my protector. My friend had to give me MDD, PTSD, OCD, Major Anxiety Disorder, etc. All for one purpose, to protect me from exposing me to my Early Childhood Trauma. My friend has worked 24/7....365 without asking me for anything. He did not even ask me to acknowledge that he exists. By the way, my friend's name is Buddy. Because he is my buddy and has been with me from day one of my ordeals.
So I am leaving it up to Buddy whether I need to see fully the events of my early childhood trauma. Whether we just let it die and go away or whether we need to see everything, I am letting Buddy make this call. I have assured Buddy that he will always be my friend and I will never forget him. If he wants, the two of us can just enjoy life and chill out and forget anything ever happened. If we can't do that until we dig up all of the bones in the graveyard, then so be it. A digging we will go. For me, it makes more sense to work with my buddy than curse him and wish him ill will. Thank you for your time.
The other potential culprit has been gone for 17 years. I am not sure about this person's culpability, but I have quite a few puzzle pieces that do not look good for this person. I have one or two fears that I would much rather take a bullet than endure this. And if I told you what they were, you would say, why that's no big deal. And I have absolutely no memory of not having these fears or phobias.
So I started thinking. At the time that our traumas occur, something magical happens inside our bodies and brains that has one singular purpose. To protect us from exposure to our traumas until which time that we are able and willing to see them and deal with them. And when this magical thing is created, it gives us some very uncomfortable things that are extremely difficult to deal with. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar Mood Swings, OCD, you name it.
So I have decided to be friends with my protector. My friend had to give me MDD, PTSD, OCD, Major Anxiety Disorder, etc. All for one purpose, to protect me from exposing me to my Early Childhood Trauma. My friend has worked 24/7....365 without asking me for anything. He did not even ask me to acknowledge that he exists. By the way, my friend's name is Buddy. Because he is my buddy and has been with me from day one of my ordeals.
So I am leaving it up to Buddy whether I need to see fully the events of my early childhood trauma. Whether we just let it die and go away or whether we need to see everything, I am letting Buddy make this call. I have assured Buddy that he will always be my friend and I will never forget him. If he wants, the two of us can just enjoy life and chill out and forget anything ever happened. If we can't do that until we dig up all of the bones in the graveyard, then so be it. A digging we will go. For me, it makes more sense to work with my buddy than curse him and wish him ill will. Thank you for your time.