Grasping Hope
Silver Member
Not sure if this is the right place for this thread.
I'll start by saying I really don't want to get into discussing politics or opining on current events. I do have opinions, but this is not the place for them. I want to talk about how certain current events are affecting me. Still, I post this with some trepidation, knowing how easily I can be triggered by anything relating to this topic. If replies are too much I intend to go for a walk and consider whether to reply or not. That said...
As a ritual abuse survivor, a huge part of what I deal with is the overwhelming lack of understanding among the general pubic of what that is or even that it's a real thing. My experience is that unless a person has lived it or has spent a TON of time learning about it and being around survivors, people just have no clue how bad it is, what it involves, how widespread it is, or what it means to live as a survivor. I know it's not a contest, but the reality is it's like how hard it is for people to relate to what PTSD is, only a whole lot more so.
The False Memory Syndrome Foundation made this devastatingly more difficult. I'm sure many of you have dealt with the fallout of the false memory debate.
I personally am not an Epstein survivor, but have been following the saga of promised disclosure and broken promises for a long time because as I see it, if the whole truth comes out it about that, it would be a watershed moment after which disclosure and justice in general would be a lot more likely. It's been horrible since spring, and I am right there with the survivors who say they feel betrayed and like they are being used as political pawns by people on all sides who don't actually care about them or what happened to them.
There is another microcosm for broader disclosure going on right now in Canada with disclosure about the residential schools and redefinition of land rights, which has people on both sides really upset, defensive, and repeating talking points without really listening to each other. I am carefully not saying what my opinion is about which direction truth and reconciliation should go, just how the subject is affecting me personally. That is, it's devastating because again it feels like both sides are using their beliefs about history as ammunition, while the actual people affected get left in the lurch.
It's quite a lot like the Epstein thing. I've had a few conversations about it with people who keep showing the same behaviour: repeating talking points, not really listening, unable to take in new information. I guess that's a trauma response. And then I think, isn't it ironic that people who don't even have PTSD are acting this way, while those who do are expected to be the strong ones?
I need to cope with all this differently. No one has been hearing just how deeply both these subjects are affecting me, so maybe I need to avoid conversations about them. Hard to do, because they are on my mind so much. No wonder I've become something close to a hermit.
I got into one conversation with someone whose beliefs are quite different from mine, who had me floored by bringing up the false memory debate. When I shared some of the sources that make me say traumatic memories cannot be implanted, this person said she looked at some of my sources and thought they were unscientific mumbo-jumbo.
Which makes me think: if the truth about SRA comes out on a broad scale (which I long for), is it going to be like this, only worse? People minimizing, denying, hostile, saying "it's time to get over it and move on" before they've even taken time to recognize the devastating reality?
And if it is, do I want to be around for that?
I talked about this with one person who knows just a bit of my story and tries to share positive energy to uplift me, which I appreciate, and it does help a little bit. But this person, like others I know, also says "you have to find a way to move on."
It feels so invalidating when people who really don't have a clue say things like this. I feel defensive even writing about it because it's such an ingrained habit for so many to say things like this, to say you can't let what others think affect you, you have to just find moments of joy and focus on those, you have to move on, everyone has problems, you're too sensitive... one of the people who has told me things like this many times, is also someone who repeatedly tells me "don't tell me what happened to you; don't tell me what is happening in the world; I can't handle it, it would make me sick." Don't talk about it, but move on. Right.
If I had the recipe for not caring what other people think, I would use it. I hate that I need validation at all. Some people don't, and they are happier for it. But for me, people criticizing me for not being able to move on better than I have is so devastating, it feels like there is a wrench in my chest pulling my heart out.
In SRA and related mind control, the problem is not just the severity of the trauma. The bigger problem is that almost every programming session includes scientifically designed, specific to the particular victim, training to make it impossible to "move on." From programming not to tell, to programming for specific healing modalities not to work, the programmers go all out to make sure their victims can never get away and build a life. Obviously, some do. But it's a small minority and a tooth-and-nail fight that often lasts decades.
A very few people have understood this well enough to reflect to me the miracle I am. This helps so much more than thoughtless platitudes and bracing advice from people who have no clue what it is I am dealing with. And maybe I really am too sensitive, but that is not likely to change, and while I long for truth and justice, at the same time I am already devastated by the hostility and denial I see in so many. I'm in a double bind of sorts. What I long for is also my worst nightmare. I want to go to sleep until it's all over, but that might take years.
I anticipate the advice to find other areas of my life that are working better and focus more on those. I really try. But it's not enough because this is such a huge part of my life, and a part, moreover, that affects absolutely everything.
Guess I'll stop now. I'm afraid I haven't been able to express what I really wanted to say, but maybe I'll be able to add more clarity in further comments.
I'll start by saying I really don't want to get into discussing politics or opining on current events. I do have opinions, but this is not the place for them. I want to talk about how certain current events are affecting me. Still, I post this with some trepidation, knowing how easily I can be triggered by anything relating to this topic. If replies are too much I intend to go for a walk and consider whether to reply or not. That said...
As a ritual abuse survivor, a huge part of what I deal with is the overwhelming lack of understanding among the general pubic of what that is or even that it's a real thing. My experience is that unless a person has lived it or has spent a TON of time learning about it and being around survivors, people just have no clue how bad it is, what it involves, how widespread it is, or what it means to live as a survivor. I know it's not a contest, but the reality is it's like how hard it is for people to relate to what PTSD is, only a whole lot more so.
The False Memory Syndrome Foundation made this devastatingly more difficult. I'm sure many of you have dealt with the fallout of the false memory debate.
I personally am not an Epstein survivor, but have been following the saga of promised disclosure and broken promises for a long time because as I see it, if the whole truth comes out it about that, it would be a watershed moment after which disclosure and justice in general would be a lot more likely. It's been horrible since spring, and I am right there with the survivors who say they feel betrayed and like they are being used as political pawns by people on all sides who don't actually care about them or what happened to them.
There is another microcosm for broader disclosure going on right now in Canada with disclosure about the residential schools and redefinition of land rights, which has people on both sides really upset, defensive, and repeating talking points without really listening to each other. I am carefully not saying what my opinion is about which direction truth and reconciliation should go, just how the subject is affecting me personally. That is, it's devastating because again it feels like both sides are using their beliefs about history as ammunition, while the actual people affected get left in the lurch.
It's quite a lot like the Epstein thing. I've had a few conversations about it with people who keep showing the same behaviour: repeating talking points, not really listening, unable to take in new information. I guess that's a trauma response. And then I think, isn't it ironic that people who don't even have PTSD are acting this way, while those who do are expected to be the strong ones?
I need to cope with all this differently. No one has been hearing just how deeply both these subjects are affecting me, so maybe I need to avoid conversations about them. Hard to do, because they are on my mind so much. No wonder I've become something close to a hermit.
I got into one conversation with someone whose beliefs are quite different from mine, who had me floored by bringing up the false memory debate. When I shared some of the sources that make me say traumatic memories cannot be implanted, this person said she looked at some of my sources and thought they were unscientific mumbo-jumbo.
Which makes me think: if the truth about SRA comes out on a broad scale (which I long for), is it going to be like this, only worse? People minimizing, denying, hostile, saying "it's time to get over it and move on" before they've even taken time to recognize the devastating reality?
And if it is, do I want to be around for that?
I talked about this with one person who knows just a bit of my story and tries to share positive energy to uplift me, which I appreciate, and it does help a little bit. But this person, like others I know, also says "you have to find a way to move on."
It feels so invalidating when people who really don't have a clue say things like this. I feel defensive even writing about it because it's such an ingrained habit for so many to say things like this, to say you can't let what others think affect you, you have to just find moments of joy and focus on those, you have to move on, everyone has problems, you're too sensitive... one of the people who has told me things like this many times, is also someone who repeatedly tells me "don't tell me what happened to you; don't tell me what is happening in the world; I can't handle it, it would make me sick." Don't talk about it, but move on. Right.
If I had the recipe for not caring what other people think, I would use it. I hate that I need validation at all. Some people don't, and they are happier for it. But for me, people criticizing me for not being able to move on better than I have is so devastating, it feels like there is a wrench in my chest pulling my heart out.
In SRA and related mind control, the problem is not just the severity of the trauma. The bigger problem is that almost every programming session includes scientifically designed, specific to the particular victim, training to make it impossible to "move on." From programming not to tell, to programming for specific healing modalities not to work, the programmers go all out to make sure their victims can never get away and build a life. Obviously, some do. But it's a small minority and a tooth-and-nail fight that often lasts decades.
A very few people have understood this well enough to reflect to me the miracle I am. This helps so much more than thoughtless platitudes and bracing advice from people who have no clue what it is I am dealing with. And maybe I really am too sensitive, but that is not likely to change, and while I long for truth and justice, at the same time I am already devastated by the hostility and denial I see in so many. I'm in a double bind of sorts. What I long for is also my worst nightmare. I want to go to sleep until it's all over, but that might take years.
I anticipate the advice to find other areas of my life that are working better and focus more on those. I really try. But it's not enough because this is such a huge part of my life, and a part, moreover, that affects absolutely everything.
Guess I'll stop now. I'm afraid I haven't been able to express what I really wanted to say, but maybe I'll be able to add more clarity in further comments.
