D
Deleted member 35429
Introduction of me and my PTSD... The twists and turns of this saga are bizarre but I'll try and sum it up here.
I graduated college, went to grad school, got married, became a competitive runner, mountain climber, equestrian, martial artist, developed a strong career, had kids, and overall lived a great life in a great area. Then one day out if the blue I developed an ominous pain and swelling in my neck. This went on for many months and started to feel like there was so much pressure on my throat that I couldn't breathe. I wouldn't go to the doctor because on some very subconscious level I knew the origin of this was very dark and I just couldn't face it... and I knew everyone in our medical community. I didn't want them or my husband to find out what had happened to me.
I eventually was hit like a ton of bricks with PTSD and couldn't function at all. I could hardly talk. Memories of an 18month period of violent sex abuse with strangulation from my adolescent years were coming to the surface in a terrifying physical way. My body was remembering every second of it on a very cellular level but I couldn't really remember all the details of what happened to me. I could hear my own screaming inside my head - non stop auditory hallucinations/flashback for months. It was so exhausting.
Fast forward a year and I'm finally in regular therapy and about to have a second surgery on my neck to fix all the damage that is causing me problems. PTSD has become my close friend. Being physically and mentally unwell is my new identity. My hobbies and passions are mostly put away for now as I heal and find a new normal with my health.
I am fortunate in that my trauma caused me to learn pretty severe dissociation. I was able to split off that damaged girl and live a very good life as 'normal me.' I attribute this to splitting myself into two people. Problem for me now is when I am in therapy having to address the abused part of me I can't help but dissociate. I don't have the ability to ground myself and stay present until I leave the office. Then I'm back to me again.
It's all pretty crazy I guess.
I graduated college, went to grad school, got married, became a competitive runner, mountain climber, equestrian, martial artist, developed a strong career, had kids, and overall lived a great life in a great area. Then one day out if the blue I developed an ominous pain and swelling in my neck. This went on for many months and started to feel like there was so much pressure on my throat that I couldn't breathe. I wouldn't go to the doctor because on some very subconscious level I knew the origin of this was very dark and I just couldn't face it... and I knew everyone in our medical community. I didn't want them or my husband to find out what had happened to me.
I eventually was hit like a ton of bricks with PTSD and couldn't function at all. I could hardly talk. Memories of an 18month period of violent sex abuse with strangulation from my adolescent years were coming to the surface in a terrifying physical way. My body was remembering every second of it on a very cellular level but I couldn't really remember all the details of what happened to me. I could hear my own screaming inside my head - non stop auditory hallucinations/flashback for months. It was so exhausting.
Fast forward a year and I'm finally in regular therapy and about to have a second surgery on my neck to fix all the damage that is causing me problems. PTSD has become my close friend. Being physically and mentally unwell is my new identity. My hobbies and passions are mostly put away for now as I heal and find a new normal with my health.
I am fortunate in that my trauma caused me to learn pretty severe dissociation. I was able to split off that damaged girl and live a very good life as 'normal me.' I attribute this to splitting myself into two people. Problem for me now is when I am in therapy having to address the abused part of me I can't help but dissociate. I don't have the ability to ground myself and stay present until I leave the office. Then I'm back to me again.
It's all pretty crazy I guess.