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Sufferer Unusual Story With Dark History

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Introduction of me and my PTSD... The twists and turns of this saga are bizarre but I'll try and sum it up here.

I graduated college, went to grad school, got married, became a competitive runner, mountain climber, equestrian, martial artist, developed a strong career, had kids, and overall lived a great life in a great area. Then one day out if the blue I developed an ominous pain and swelling in my neck. This went on for many months and started to feel like there was so much pressure on my throat that I couldn't breathe. I wouldn't go to the doctor because on some very subconscious level I knew the origin of this was very dark and I just couldn't face it... and I knew everyone in our medical community. I didn't want them or my husband to find out what had happened to me.

I eventually was hit like a ton of bricks with PTSD and couldn't function at all. I could hardly talk. Memories of an 18month period of violent sex abuse with strangulation from my adolescent years were coming to the surface in a terrifying physical way. My body was remembering every second of it on a very cellular level but I couldn't really remember all the details of what happened to me. I could hear my own screaming inside my head - non stop auditory hallucinations/flashback for months. It was so exhausting.
Fast forward a year and I'm finally in regular therapy and about to have a second surgery on my neck to fix all the damage that is causing me problems. PTSD has become my close friend. Being physically and mentally unwell is my new identity. My hobbies and passions are mostly put away for now as I heal and find a new normal with my health.

I am fortunate in that my trauma caused me to learn pretty severe dissociation. I was able to split off that damaged girl and live a very good life as 'normal me.' I attribute this to splitting myself into two people. Problem for me now is when I am in therapy having to address the abused part of me I can't help but dissociate. I don't have the ability to ground myself and stay present until I leave the office. Then I'm back to me again.

It's all pretty crazy I guess.
 
I am fortunate in that my trauma caused me to learn pretty severe dissociation. I was able to split off that damaged girl and live a very good life as 'normal me.' I attribute this to splitting myself into two people. Problem for me now is when I am in therapy having to address the abused part of me I can't help but dissociate. I don't have the ability to ground myself and stay present until I leave the office. Then I'm back to me again.

It's all pretty crazy I guess.

No, it's really not crazy at all. Seriously.

Yes, you really are fortunate that you learned to dissociate! Dissocation can be very helpful, and it's certainly a healthier coping mechanism than, say, drugs and alcohol.

Dissocation really saved me, too.

I wouldn't worry about dissociating in therapy sessions. It could very well be that you are still frightened of the idea of facing all of the abusive past head-on. And that's OK. One of the fine things about therapy is that we get to choose the speed and flow of our own healing process. As you feel more safe and comfortable, you will find you require dissocation less and less.

Ben
 
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Introduction of me and my PTSD... The twists and turns of this saga are bizarre but I'll try and sum it...

Hi Orion, I actually have very similar history to yours. On one hand being able to dissociate that completely can be the only thing that keeps you together and high functioning, but it also makes accessing your split off emotions very difficult even after you've started therapy.

For me that instant back to denial phase after leaving my therapists office was followed by the phase of being halfway in touch with memories and feelings all of the time, even between appointments.

Thats was harder to manage and I almost quit therapy, but I'm glad I didnt.

I also compulsively exercised and tended to do everything outside like climbing and hiking. I think the feeling youre always pushing yourself towards endorphin rushes
makes you feel in control of your body and disconnected from it at the same time. I havent heard many other people say they have relentless auditory flashbacks like I did also, thanks for sharing that.

I'm glad you're on the mend and found your way here, welcome!
 
Welcome, Orion. (One of my favorite constellations, btw :-)).

My story is much like yours. I also got an MA, developed a great career, did a lot of volunteering, swimming, and social justice work in my free time, as well as rescuing a great dog (my avatar), and eventually married the man of my dreams. My PTSD was delayed onset. I kept running for many years after my last trauma when finally it came back up to kick me in the ass, as the therapist who diagnosed me put it. Eventually, we do run out of "go juice," as I always saw it. My current therapist says we all have a breaking point. Very true.

I don't have too many "full" flashbacks anymore after more than 10 years of therapy for this, but I still do have auditory ones on a pretty regular basis. And I also still dissociate and get dizzy from being too overwhelmed. I'm learning how to avoid it, but sometimes life just interferes and one can't avoid it.

Here's a basic description of a technique for getting grounded: Link Removed. Don't worry about using exact fingers to do whatever. My therapist says the main thing is to get both sides of the brain engaged and to make your legs step forward as you do this.

It seems weird, but it really does make changes in my brain that I can feel and helps me be less dizzy and depersonalized. I hope it helps you.
 
You are not alone in your experience, although it certainly can feel like it without the support of a website like this. I hope that you are able to find lots of support here and a wealth of ideas to help with your symptoms, and it seems that you already have been given some pretty good ideas.
 
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