Poll How Long Do Shut Outs Last?

[glass half full]

But @glass half full it may not be about sparing him anything. To us trau...

But @glass half full it may not be about sparing him anything. To us trau...

My pain is due to the isolation, the grief of being dropped suddenly, the anxiety of not knowing how long it will last, the fear that he's not going to come back to me, as well as knowing he's hurting. There's no way of quantifying how much is due to what.

He does not know how I feel- he has not communicated with me in weeks. If he had been communicating with me on an even occasional basis, I would not feel nearly as strongly as I do right now. My situation would be vastly different.

I have told him I have reached out for help. That I have learned a lot. That I love him. That I will do all I can to be here for him, support him, help him, love him. I've told him I wished he was with me to make dinner and open a bottle if wine. I have not told him most of the things that I have said here. I think a support forum is the place to express this kind of angst rather than to my lover. He does not know.

 

[glass half full]

What kind of details are we talking about?

The term "details" is vague.

There are "details" an...

Example: details about the non-traditional use of piano wire in a war zone. How, where, why and what happens when it is used in this way.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Some can't hack it. A few can. A few can be let in and they can be generally safe people about the details. Yes, even those details.

I'll agree with that. Though i have found anyone that can handle hearing all and complete details. I even see my therapist want to cringe at times, only on the stuff that he hasnt heard a lot before but i challenge myself all the time to drop everybody/nobody. Everybody hates me, nobody can handle it etc. Its very black & white thinking and its an issue of mine.

But id still say, unless they've talked about it for him to know that she can handle the DETAILS than he doesnt know and thinks he's sparing her, not himself as he already knows the DETAILS. You know?

 

[glass half full]

Example: details about the non-traditional use of piano wire in a war zone. How, where, why and...

By SF- I meant special forces. The old BF was also a soldier. I dated him before and after he was part of an invasion force. He also had a lot of nifty toys he kept as souvenirs. Most if them do.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He does not know.

How do you know what he felt when you were there? All im doing is throwing in an alternate view because him leaving to spare him makes no sense to me. I know i can feel when people are in pain and when its due to me...or i may misunderstand it and in my self loathing think its about me. Either way, im leaving to spare them pain....not me.

 

[MandyLou]

@lostforgottensoul - I wouldn't necessarily agree with what you mentioned above. Majority of trauma survivors are not in touch with how they really feel and how they have been impacted. Many live in denial and are too afraid to explore those thoughts and memories because the reality is just too painful to handle. I think a lot of sufferers unknowingly avoid contact with loved ones not because they want to spare them pain, but because a lot of them are terrified as to what darkness close relationship can unravel about themselves.

I am in agreement with @glass half full - relationship is a two way street no matter what issues are present. We can all strive to understand those issues but they are not in any way a nice excuse to be irresponsible and thoughtless towards your partner. I've read so much about sufferers, what they're experiencing, the space and distance they oftentimes need to get themselves together... however, if you still choose to be in a relationship, you also need to come to terms with the reality that there is another person with you that gets impacted by your actions, what you do, how you feel and of course, how you treat them. If one is lacking awareness in so many levels to just say that they got PTSD and blow their partner every time they felt bad, there would be no relationship and no partnership. What @glass half full mainly mentioned here is another's consideration, thoughtfulness and willingness to communicate with your partner during these very difficult times. That makes the whole difference in the world and makes your efforts count more than you realize.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Majority of trauma survivors are not in touch with how they really feel and how they have been impacted. Many live in denial and are too afraid to explore those thoughts and memories because the reality is just too painful to handle. I think a lot of sufferers unknowingly avoid contact with loved ones not because they want to spare them pain, but because a lot of them are terrified as to what darkness close relationship can unravel about themselves.

Majority? Might not want to generalize that much as you discribed the exact opposite of me and i am a trauma survivor.

I leave to spare others, i know what my family thinks of me because they tell me but even if they didnt, my only 2 supporters live with me and i feel each and ever time MY ISSUES cause them pain and i want them to move out to spare them. f*ck me, i live in that darkness every day, i want to spare them.

And i am in no way scared to face the darkness as i do that every day and each week in therapy. I did live 10 yrs in denial but im now 7 yrs into therapy.

 

[MandyLou]

@EveHarrington - Sometimes details of trauma can be significant... it's not really the description or the fact of a particular detail, or mere curiosity on supporter's part of wanting to know those details... those details can be significant considering what they meant to the sufferer and learning or perhaps verbalizing those details can help them understand and build skills to cope with fears they have about those details.

 

[MandyLou]

@lostforgottensoul - I applaud your strength and willingness to face the darkness, and I can tell you... that is rather rare.

As a supporter, I used to participate in group therapy for vets with PTSD and I won't even begin to describe what a big percentage of those sufferers were not in a place or have ever been in any place to genuinely confront their traumatic experiences.

 

[EveHarrington]

One thing-----

It's disturbing to see so many assumptions as to what goes on in a PTSD person.

Knowing one person with PTSD doesn't mean you know what it's like to have PTSD. It only means you know what is like to support ONE person with PTSD.

@lostforgottensoul

I'd advise you to exit the thread too. Nothing good can become of this convo IMHO when people who don't have PTSD make widespread assumptions about those who do have PTSD based on knowing only one person with PTSD.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Not necessarly @MandyLou as i can tell you that i was forced to kill small animals and drink their blood in a cult ritual...thats details.

DETAILS would be telling what type of knife i used, how it felt, how it sounded as the animals died, what the blood tasted like, what we did with it after etc.

I can heal just the same if you know the top and would likely retramuatize myself if i tell you the second one.

 

[glass half full]

Lost- I know you are trying to help. He is a sensitive enough man to know that the isolation has not be easy for me. He does not know how hard its been as time has gone on. He lives and works,in the Middle East. He has not been home in months. His isolation began in late February. We have spoken in the phone in months. He has sent me one email in nine weeks. I have sent him, on average one email every eight or none days. I. The beginning I was puzzled and expressed that. As I came to understand PTSD to a greater level, my content was either telling him I loved an supported him, that I was seeking to learn and understand what he's experiencing- and that from a warrior perspective as well as PTSD. I sent him pics of flowers in my yard.

I think it would be hard for even the most intuitive person- and I dare say intuition is not a strong skill for him right now- to grasp just how hard this has been for me. I have not sent an email in two weeks as my inability to upbeat was too impaired.

This is why I do not believe he knows how I feel.[/QUOTE]