Poll How Long Do Shut Outs Last?

[EveHarrington]

Not to get all philosophical here----but I will anyway ;)

Can anybody be sure 100% they can handle something they haven't experienced before?

Nope!

And I do not mean "something similar" or "something related" or "something in the same vein"

I may love rollercoasters but at some point there may be one I can't handle. I may pass out or toss my cookies mid air.

There's no way I can possibly know THAT rollercoaster will have THAT effect on me.

So maybe-----for one moment------we could stop this "I can handle anything" sort of speak-----for the simple truth that sometimes we can't handle stuff we think we should be able to.

A sufferer has a right to hold back about anything. A supporter who believes he/she has a right to hear this stuff isn't actually supportive and can actually be doing harm.

Sufferers have dealt with many people over the years who say they can handle it but what do you know? In the end they can't. We end up alone. So please forgive us if we don't buy the "I can handle anything" line when many many times before we've been told the same thing and it turns out to be a lie.

JMHO. :)

 

[scout86]

On the subject of "handling stuff". My T told me a long time ago that it's ok to run out of the room......as long as you come back. It would be nice if the same could be true of relationships.

 

[glass half full]

I get what you are saying about you, i do. Im challeging you to see it through his eyes. He...

Lost- I understand you are trying to help, I appreciate that. Challenging me to see things through his eyes asks me to assume I know what things look like to him. I won't make assumptions like that. Without those assumptions, the challenge can't proceed. Only he can tell me what he sees or thinks and he's not talking right now.

You may be challenging me to see things the way you think they might look to him- but I won't make that assumption, either.

My point started with what I and some other supporters have perceived to be a lack of a safe place for us to express our frustrations and hurt while dealing with our sufferers isolation.
Frankly, while this conversation has been interesting, enlightening and valuable- I'm sorry to say it's also done a lot to support my original point. Often supporters are disagreed with, attempts are made to show the faults in our thinking and we are sometimes challenged to think in other ways. If some supporters made these same challenges to some sufferers, all hell would break loose.

Sometimes i absolutely want to learn a new way of thinking. Sometimes, I just wanna dump with someone who understands what I'm saying and why I need to dump. And yes, this goes back to the point made some while ago- start a new thread on a supporter specific forum. That's still an excellent idea- its just that this discussion continued right here in the same place. And I am glad that it did- there were some wonderfully insightful and helpful views provided by some sufferers. Thank you!!!!

But some supporters still need a place where we can dump without being chastised for what we feel. Those of us who are here are doing some pretty damned heavy lifting- or else we wouldn't be here.

 

[glass half full]

Not to get all philosophical here----but I will anyway ;)

Can anybody be sure 100% they can hand...

I agree. Here's how I see it- I am responsible for providing feedback when I become uncomfortable. This is part of taking care if myself. If I fail to take care of myself- well, that's on me and I am not going to blame someone else for that. I may be an outlier- but that's how I see it.

 

[glass half full]

On the subject of "handling stuff". My T told me a long time ago that it's ok to run out of the room......

Scout- liking your post is not enough- I would double like it- no make that triple like it, if I could. This is so important and would make so much of a difference for many of us supporters if our sufferers could tell us- I'll be back and then re-up that I'll be back periodically, if they are still out of the room so to speak.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If some supporters made these same challenges to some sufferers, all hell would break loose.

Oh good god! Forgive me for asking you to look at another perspective, im challenged every day.

But some supporters still need a place where we can dump without being chastised for what we feel.

@Sweetpea76 gave you a thread, this thread isnt about being a dumping ground. For that matter you can create a thread to dump in like that in the supporter area. This thread isnt that. Actually this thread begs for everyone to be challenged.

Im out!

 

[glass half full]

Lost, please re- read what I said. I said I knew you were trying to help and I appreciated it.

I did not refer to you as the only person who issues challenges. I also said some days I want to think differently, some days I dont- just like everyone else.

I also acknowledged the need to move a supporter dumping ground elsewhere.

 

[scout86]

My point started with what I and some other supporters have perceived to be a lack of a safe place for us to express our frustrations and hurt while dealing with our sufferers isolation.

By now I imagine that you've picked up on the fact that there's a whole "supporters section" on this site, right? "Sufferers" (I HATE that term!) sometimes drop in there, but generally only to provide insight when asked, not to argue with the supporters because it's their space.

I thought my T had a good point too. At the time, we were actually talking about a situation where he'd said something that hit a nerve and I nearly literally DID run out of the room. LOL But, he's said the same thing about relationships. That a "time out" is fine and often a good thing, but that there needs to be some ground rules and the person who calls "time out" needs to call "time in" at some point. (But the other party doesn't get to nag them about it.) Complicated! He says, in any relationship, it's important to work this stuff out. But when people are in a good frame of mind.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

in any relationship, it's important to work this stuff out [before the "time out"]. But when people are in a good frame of mind.

Sorry to add words to your quote, but thats key right there. Total key for ANY relationship, PTSD or not.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think if you need to make a dumping post then it should be in the supporters section and you should ask for supporter input only.

I have made threads myself that ask for only sufferer input because that's all I want.

Making statements about all hell breaking loose if sufferers were challenged is a low blow IMHO.

LFS is correct IMHO in that we are challenged all the time. At least I know I am-----in every interaction I have with the world outside my home.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sorry to add words to your quote, but thats key right there. Total key for ANY relationship,...

Yup. But most of the time this doesn't happen in PTSD relationships. It seems like many supporters don't seek support until the isolation phase hits and by that time the relationship is so degraded that there's no hope saving it.

 

[mary1979]

By now I imagine that you've picked up on the fact that there's a whole "supporters section" on this si...

Ha! When I first got here I struggled with the term 'sufferer' also.
My social worker had spent almost a decade trying to change my victim mentality by imposing the word 'survivor' on me anytime she saw me victimising myself and I somehow viewed sufferer in a similar light to victim.

Coming here has since taught me that even though my SW was on the money at the time, I some how mistakenly evolved that over the years into meaning I wasn't 'allowed' to suffer if I wished to heal.
Not her doing, simply my interpretation got warped over the years since.

Now I view the term sufferer a little more like giving myself permission to not be ok sometimes.

Words are so much more powerful than we think, and we each place our own meaning on them.