Poll How Long Do Shut Outs Last?

[glass half full]

By now I imagine that you've picked up on the fact that there's a whole "supporters section" on this si...

Yes, I know. I mistakenly thought that the survey was intended for both parties (I'll leave out the S words!) and that the comments were as well. It may have been originally. The suggestion was made to start a new thread elsewhere. I was about to when another suggestion was made to leave it right here for now. Ok, I did. I shouldn't have.

As for the supporter forum being left pretty much to supporters- um, I've been chastised there too for not getting it. Don't get me wrong, there's been a ton of very much appreciated help. But I've had several separate convos with supporters who have felt much the same- no where we can dump when we need to without risking being called out, corrected, etc by sufferers. I get it that its well intended, but for gods sake just let us dump in peace when we need to.

Your Ts recommendation in many ways is basic relationship 101 for ever one. The sad thing is, its so basic that its brilliant because its so rarely used as a grounding. Thank you for restating it.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ok I guess I'm blocked because glass can't see that I posted about making a thread in the supporter forum and asking for supporter input only. Maybe someone else can point this out to her.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I mistakenly thought that the survey was intended for both parties

It is for both parties but dont think you wont be challenged on the way you think, no matter if you are sufferer or supporter. This thread is about generaling either way and its a "hot topic" of isolation.

Wanted to make sure everyone knew this was opened for everyone. Sorry to speak for you @Justmehere.

 

[glass half full]

It is for both parties but dont think you wont be challenged on the way you think, no...

I generally have no problem being challenged in a constructive way. I think its important to note that some of the supporters who don't feel comfortable sharing much other than in private conversation- are supporting vets. There are not a lot of vet sufferers actively contributing in the strings I've read. Maybe I'm reading the wrong ones- I would love to hear from more vets.


I understand the view that PTSD is PTSD, but I have invested a lot of time educating myself in vets' issues as well. There are differences. Some of the information and suggestions shared by abuse survivors, while well intended, don't work for us. That doesn't mean we're rejecting the helpers or the help- it just doesn't resonate in our situation. Sometimes our efforts to restate our experiences are treated as resistance to help or rejection of help. I can't speak for anyone else, but I do try to take what I can from what's offered while leaving what just doesn't work or is non responsive to my situation.

We're not speaking different languages, but we are speaking different dialects. Most of us came from what appeared to be a healthy, fully functional relationship with someone who mentioned PTSD in passing, was exhibiting no symptoms and we were blindsided by a relationship that fell apart with no warning. So, for myself, when I hear that we waited until isolation at which point its pretty much too late- we didnt know. We had no clue. And telling us we waited too long to have much hope of repairing the damage- while likely true for abuse survivors - isn't necessarily true for vets. And please understand that telling us that is not supportive. Our situations are somewhat different.

 

[EveHarrington]

--------I speak based on my experiences and not everything I say may be supportive in your opinion but I don't think that's a reason for me to not be truthful as I see it.

Please don't tell me you know what it's like for CSA survivors because you don't.

 

[joeylittle]

@lostforgottensoul and @glass half full - you are both thread-banned.

This thread can either get back onto it's premise, or it will be locked.

Also, @lostforgottensoul - you need to go back through this thread and find the times you used more global than specific references. It is very frustrating to see you consistently criticize others for generalizing, and yet do it frequently yourself.

...please understand that most of us "get" that the supporter is hurting too thus why we tend to isolate, or at least i do, because yes isolating will hurt, they wont hurt over any of my other issues. Its also why you have those that leave think "you are better off without them"...Theres pain on both sides but we know the pain you feel because of us.

To us trauma survivors, we seen it, we've gone through it, we know already how it feels and we are already feeling it

Exactly, thus why generalizing either direction just cant be done. Not one person knows why or how long but them.

Bolding and underline added by me for emphasis.

 

[anthony]

Military are different due to military training, though military spouses are no different in the sense to most supporters of a PTSD sufferer, in that most people are in fully functional, healthy relationships, and then trauma/PTSD strikes. Whether that be natural disaster, emergency services, military, sexual abuse, so forth. I honestly don't think it is healthy to say military spouses are in a different place to other spouses, as that is quite untrue. The majority of all spouses are in healthy relationships, then PTSD strikes for whatever the traumatic purpose. There are plenty of people with childhood abuse in healthy relationships, without PTSD, to endure something that suddenly brings everything from their childhood into their present, and wipe them out, devastate the relationship and well... many more examples.

It takes a leap into the judgemental side of things IMHO.

Nicolette had abuse as a child, yet when I met her I had PTSD that I was still dealing with. We had a fairly healthy relationship... yet my PTSD issues actually affected her, in combination with some other things that happened in her present, and she began having PTSD symptoms and met PTSD even. Suddenly I became a supporter, to some degree, and we were both suffering and supporting one another. Let me say... it has been an experiment of epic proportion for both of us to continually learn, adjust and perfect our relationship to maintain one that is quite healthy and loving. Now she is in menopause, and that is now another thing I have to adjust to and learn to support her with.

 

[Justmehere]

Yes, I know. I mistakenly thought that the survey was intended for both parties (I'll leave out the S words!) and that the comments were as well.

This thread and comment section is for both supporters and sufferers.

Let me be clear that this poll and thread was *not* for the purpose of venting. The need for that has been validated and the appropriate space for it has been pointed out - and it's not this thread.

For those who have engaged with respect, thank you.

 

[Sandstone]

I's like to put a different slant on isolating. For me it is often about being overwhelmed, and isolation is way to reduce demands on me that I can't meet.
If I've done too much, then I need to stop. Any input is too much, even if it loving, calm and thoughtful, as it usually is from my husband. Just last week, I did two simple little things on successive days, went to the allotment and briefly saw one of the family. The next day I couldn't get out of bed until mid afternoon, and having had a glass of water and a pee I went back there.

 

[scout86]

Most of us came from what appeared to be a healthy, fully functional relationship

That word "appeared" is important. And, it probably applies to a lot of relationships with people who deal with a non-combat version of PTSD as well. And, it seems to me it's not your fault that you didn't know what to expect. The person with PTSD has some kind of obligation to give a potential partner a head's up. That's complicated too though. When and how should you do it? There are probably going to be consequences...... The person with PTSD might honestly think they've got it handled...... Trust me, if we met on the street, you'd think I was "ok". Mostly I AM ok, at least superficially. So, yeah, I'll bet that a lot of times the "supporter" doesn't get that there's a real problem until there's a real problem. Something that's really struck me during all the conversations around this topic is how totally differently people perceive the same situation. There have been supporters on here (not you!) freaking out because their SO doesn't immediately respond to their every text message and then they handle that be being ever more demanding. I'm totally baffled as to how that could seem helpful, but apparently it does.

Something that's kind of hard to wrap your mind around, for most people anyway, is that having PTSD really does mean you perceive things differently than you would if you didn't have it. (Hence the use of the word "disorder") It's not something you have much control over. If you're lucky, you have an awareness of if but you don't always have that. You can't turn it on and off, you can't just snap out of it, you don't perceive things the way you do because you're choosing to do it. It just IS. And, unfortunately, it's hard to explain. Probably about as hard as it would be to explain music to a deaf person.

I can understand that there are times when a person just wants to vent and doesn't want to have other ways of seeing things pointed out. I'm sorry to hear that's been a problem for supporters here. There ought to be a way to deal with that somehow. There's a sister site to this one for combat vets. That's probably why you're not seeing as much input from them here. Some of them come to both sites, Some don't.

 

[Jen93]

It really does depend on the person and why you've stepped back. I shut out the parents when I'm triggered for about 2-3 hours, my ex, I've shut him out now for a month; etc. Etc.

 

[MandyLou]

@scout86 -

You mention something interesting in your post above. Yes, some things did "appear" certain way...
During the interaction with my guy, sometimes I wondered if something was "off" at times and I also wondered if I was doing something wrong to make "that" way. Unfortunately, having all the information that I had at the time, it was not possible for me to figure out that he may have PTSD symptoms, and rather chose to believe that, "he's not feeling good today", "he seems very distant and closed off today"'. It's very tricky indeed. Sonetimes those symptoms are so subtle that they can be easily mistaken with somethibg else.

Sometimes I think about what I could have done differently as a partner during those less acute symptomatic period to be helpful to him. PTSD was not in picture then. I wonder if our growing closeness made those symptoms even worse.