Is Love Even Real?

[Justmehere]

Ranty/crabby post ahead. I'm not sure what I need right now or why I'm posting, other than I'm a mess today about this and need a moment to vent? No, I need something different than that. I need to verbalize my very real struggle that seems to pop up this time of year, every year, with the idea and existence of love.

I had a moment today of asking myself if love is even real? -- and I don't think that's my real struggle.

I know love is real. I see it between other people. I know my dog loves me. There are people I love -- with an imperfect but very deep love.

But outside of that? I'm not sure I have ever been or ever could be really loved by another human being. I keep trying to tell myself it's possible. But sometimes, it feels like I'm lying to myself. Sometimes, it feels like I don't even know what love is anymore.

I wrote an essay this time last year about how love is patient, love is kind, etc. I was trying to connect to the reality that when someone is patient or kind (for example) that can be love. In big and small ways, that can be love. Not perhaps deep romantic love, but that's not the only kind of love there is in the world. I was trying to connect to the reality that real love has been shown to me.

But here I am a year later, once again wondering if love is real, and even more so, if it can be really real for me.

Love, and the pursuit of it, sometimes pulls out my foolish side, and perhaps this post is an example of that.

 

[MandyLou]

@Justmehere - love is real when it's not just that fluffy, lovely desire to want to wrap someone in your arms and hold them. Most of the time, love is the intentional focus of wanting other's good. Meaning, if I love someone and knew that my presence was destructive to them, I would move myself out of the relationship because I love them and want them to be well even when it means I'm not going to be with them.

Love IS inherently patient and kind. I think a lot of people are confused about love... because people so often get motivated by their selfish desires rather than love. Love is not possessive and it will always be focused on good of the other. There have been instances in my life where I had to let to of people because I knew that our relationship would just lead to disaster, and I loved them way too much to knowingly put them through something that would not be good for them.

This is really a topic that I could discuss forever. I know that love brings the very best in me and makes me focus on love rather than what I want or what I need. It does open my eyes in a way of redirecting towards genuinely loving someone even though you may not like them in the moment or even be hurt by things they say or do.

 

[Pencil]

I'm not sure I have ever been or ever could be really loved by another human being.

It is the same for me.

I honestly, honestly don't know what love is. There are 4 types, Agape, Eros, and the other two I don't remember. I love my daughter. I love my cats. I loved my (sane, deceased) sister. But I really don't know how to love God. And romantic love is just ... beyond me.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I know that love is real. It took me a long time to find it but it is the actions that speak louder than words. Looking out for the loved ones good. It is so real.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

But here I am a year later, once again wondering if love is real, and even more so, if it can be really real for me.

Love, and the pursuit of it, sometimes pulls out my foolish side, and perhaps this post is an example of that.

I don't think you're being foolish. I think your writing shows someone who is longing for the kind of love that feels real and wondering if it will ever happen, just like you said.

I can say that for me, love is real. I love my children, both of them for different reasons. I also can't stand their screaming, fighting, disregard of rules at times, being picky eaters, etc. But I love them and I know that love is real. I know it's real because all I wish for every time I think of them is how I can protect them and I know the answer is that I love them and teach them and guide them and do the best I can for them.

I can say that love is real for me because I have my husband. I have told him many things over the last few years. Little bits about my past after I have found them out, the fact that I have dissociative identity disorder, the fact that some days even love can't make me want to stay in this journey, and most of all that I love him. He hasn't left. We aren't without struggles, but the love is real. We're protecting each other, teaching each other, guiding each other, and doing the best we can together to carry on with this journey.

What I can't answer is will love like you imagine real love to be (whatever that is) will be yours. You already know the answer, love comes in all shapes and sizes and you already have the love of some even in small ways. But if it's romantic, life-time partnership love, you're looking for it is one of those things I can't tell you, but I do hope that if it's what you're longing for, that you will keep searching and that it will find you.

 

[shimmerz]

I feel like it is the betrayal trauma that has had me lose faith in love. I realize that others feel love, I say the words 'I love you', but at this stage in the game, I am not certain how much love is worth and how many people hide their not so loving actions behind the word love.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am not certain how much love is worth and how many people hide their not so loving actions behind the word love.

Yep. ^^

I doubt it.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am not certain how much love is worth and how many people hide their not so loving actions behind the word love.

Even though I believe in real love, I also have this problem with most people- that I believe they hide not-so-loving actions behind that word love. But because of the sequence of events in my life I was able to fall in love with my husband and have my children and then have the flood gate of trauma open up. Even before that though I had a hard time trusting anyone.

 

[mary1979]

Love is real.

Its just not like in the movies, all fluff and stars in the eyes and diamonds.
Its actually bloody hard work 90% of the time because love is selfless and face it, humans are inherently selfish.

 

[shimmerz]

I constantly wait for the other shoe to fall. I have real conflict with the love concept.

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess I should say, I think love is real. Between 2 adults however, well.. so it's said, "love is patient, love is kind..love is not rude, or selfish.. always protects" (etc). Now add in lying, infidelity, rudeness, or a rash of other things... Is that loving?

The people around me who talk of love, don't treat me by that definition. I made up my mind today, to get as far away from those behaviours (& them) as possible. Relationships take work, yes. But also caring, kindness, courtesy & respect. You can call it any term you want, but the reality is in the substance & actions, as everyone says.

Oh this is awful, but so true too: my grandma used to say 'money walks out the door, love flies out the window'. So many married couples say to me, 'your grandma was so wise!!" Which also says to me, how present & loving are people to each other under worry & stress?

 

[illusionist]

I believe love is real but between two adults, it's only real for now. I deeply love my partner, and have for years but I can't guarantee I will in the future. As already mentioned by Junebug, worry and stress can kill a relationship....I know I almost killed it before. If the two of us were under a lot of worry and stress over a length of time?....well I dread to think. The dreamer in me would love to believe that we could get through anything but the realist is unsure. There are so many things that can lead to the loss of love.

Two things I've learned are that we need to allow ourselves to be loved, in the proper way.....and true love deepens in time, doesn't happen in a short space of time.