Why Your Family Hates You

[Ronin]

Re: 'Why your family hates you'

The surviving of them, I don't care. In a way also hope they bloody do because it means my life philosophy & choices are incomprehensible to them, still.... and that's a good thing, because I indeed don't aspire to be a heartless son of a bitch of their kind.

 

[Pencil]

Thanks @shimmerz. I then went on a binge, and saw this one (tell me what you think, although it is off-topic. Or not. )

 

[shimmerz]

I like this guy, actually. He talks in real world speak and has his martial arts background as well as real life experience through his narc mother.

NLP reframe 'get out of the mindset of yourself as victim and other as perpetrator and reverse it on them'. See yourself as the predator. Find a way to provoke and gaslight the narc. No idea how I would do this. My major narc has had so much time to make sure that he has no vulnerabilities. He has so many other people thinking his way. For many reasons.

Denial of the narcs omnipotence will cause narcissistic injury. <---- Yes. This would work. Again though, with someone who is surrounded by others whose best interests are to protect the narc (my children), the ones who surround the narc are as invested (if not moreso) in not allowing that injury to happen, that they actually end up throwing the rage (in my experience). So my thought on this one is that if you catch it early enough, this could work for others... just not in my case.

Withdraw my special attention. I have moved far away. My contact is limited with the children and not sharing anything with them about me. There is no fodder to take back to the narc. I am noticing now that I am hearing of other people in the family who are now being scapegoated. Interesting. I knew this but hadn't ever seen it in action. I find it interesting and helpful because I am not taking this personally anymore. I can see, IRL that this is an internal need on the narcs part to have SOMEone, ANYone, to take my role as scapegoat.

These things are not so easily framed up as he is putting forth here. He suggests that the victim is a 'willing one'. If triangulation is set up properly, the 'victim' doesn't even know that it is happening to them. So I am not certain that I buy into the thought that the victims play into this in the way that he is putting across. As a victim who loves and cares about the narc. I think more to the point, the narc focuses on the scapegoat because they have something that the narc wants. The real problem comes about when the scapegoat cannot understand what the role of the narc is. Because they feign ignorance and deflect to others, which is a huge part of the gaslighting element here.

It has really helped me, knowing that this type of person exists. Strange as it sounds, I didn't realize this for the majority of my life. That is a sin.

Just some thoughts.

Has your narc left now that she has lost? I hope you don't mind me asking.

 

[Pencil]

@shimmerz When reading or watching videos I often think that what they describe sounds benign - I'm sure you do as well, for we experienced malignant narcissists who wanted to annihilate, destroy, obliterate, main and kill, and not simply be adored. I watched this video to see if he could come up with something. And he couldn't. He's right about a lot of things, but it was Vaknin (whom I usually avoid) who helped me formulate a strategy. And as you know, it took seven years. But i still count myself damn lucky. Your situation is way more difficult. And yes, ANYone will do. And yes, she now leaves me alone, due to the protection order. And no, I don't mind you asking :)

 

[shimmerz]

I often think that what they describe sounds benign - I'm sure you do as well, for we experienced malignant narcissists

Yes, and I believe that this is a very significant point that is not being addressed in many of the educational pieces about narcissists. And THAT is dangerous.

Playing with a malignant narcissist may well have you slowly and effectively destroyed.... in every sense of the word. Like a frog placed into hot warm water .... and then boiled to death. They mean business. Not at all like the 'please adore me' type.

I had no idea .... and he had been doing it for decades. *heavy sigh* Naivete is so dangerous.

I am thrilled to hear that you and your young one are safe finally. Job well done! Much love to both of you. :hug:

 

[Powder]

My dad/abuser is a really confusing person because his main personaltity seems to me borderline overall, but he is also a Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde in that he switches into an abuser.

I've often wondered if he's got DID and has a predatory alter. Could explain why sometimes it was as if he couldn't remember (or was very good at lying) the damage he'd done.

He could also go from rage to being very tame in short span of time. When tame, it was as if he'd switched into a child and felt a childlike, simple sympathy for me, a child. He was unable to speak much in that state, and his way of apologizing for the earlier rage was to bring a family pet to me, sit there, and then leave.

I never could decide for myself if he was switching or manipulative. It seems like switching since later in life he seemed more PTSD and at war with himself.

Often he seemed to have amnesia for any times he was angry previously. This could be state dependent, but the amnesia seemed clinically significant (if not malingering).

Since my sister and I seem to have DDNOS or DID (although she's in deep denial, despite fugues) I think that it could be both genetic + chronic childhood abuse down generations.

My husband is very accurate in his guessing about people, and he seems to think my Dad has DID. I think some of his alters have PTSD, but not his main personality, which seems more borderline.

Anyway, he'll never go to "real" therapy, my mom won't allow it.

She is the narcissist.

Having a "narc/borderline combo" for parents is the label for hell on earth as a powerless child in their possession.

 

[shimmerz]

@Muse, I find that understanding 'parts' of people (especially abusers) is very helpful to me. It allows me not to 'hate' the entire person, as that was a very difficult place for me to go with others. I felt like I was being a horrible person for hating or wanting no more contact. I also find it to be much easier using the parts theory, to assign responsibility outside of myself with a person who has extremely conflicting traits.

It is very good that you are able to see these parts of your father and mother. I am so sorry to hear that your sister is still in denial. Good for you for doing the great work that you are for yourself. I hope you are feeling better today.

 

[Powder]

That was an amazingly deep response. Thank you. I feel so validated from this.

Also, I'm wondering if you can direct me to a thread on soul retrieval. I remember you talked about working on soul loss, I think?

I'm thinking I need to find a healer for this, as I did this on myself, and it has opened several doors inside of me for healing. But I'm becoming aware of how severe and chronic and wideflung was the horrors of my earliest memories.

First off, I don't know how I survived.

Second, I have much leakage from the soul tearing. Lots of sensitivities in all ways. I've patched what I am aware of, but I think I could use the help of a healer who is able in this regard.

Have you heard of Barbara Brennan? Her school is nearby. My sister thinks I should find some of her students as a start.

Any ideas from you are welcome.

Hugs if you accept them today. :hug:

 

[wabi-sabi]

My husband's family has done this to me - and by extension him - over the past 6-8 months (we've only been married a few years). That, coupled with some major stressors over the past 10 months have set me back so far (I'm worse than I've ever been).

After my husband and I finished watching the video, I realized that, for many years, certain members of my own family have done this as well. Last night, I actually wondered if the early trauma was my fault and that was why they treat me as they have.

Anyway, this was such a helpful video! I've made comments to my husband to the effect that they way they are treating [us] is more a reflection of their own internal cr@p than of us, but hearing/watching someone else say that and so much more was so incredible empowering. And, in my current state, I could use all the empowerment I could possibly get!

thank you, thank you for posting this!

 

[Powder]

Anytime you don't fall prey to reacting the way people want you to when they try to pull your strings...watch out. :)

 

[Knak]

I have learned a lot watching this guy over the years. Somehow through his rambling I remember things as they come up again in real life so I can identify what is happening to me. New research comes out every day and Richard keeps up with it. It is a handy resource that got me cognizant enough to post in this forum, after I pinned down specifics of my past that affected me.

Being able to see the patterns makes the mystery and self blame become a real phenomenon and now it is easier to point out the perpetrators who manipulated me into believing I am something I’m not. It gives reason for my pain and incapacity.

The knowledge is power and it motivates and enhances changing. Finding others who experience oppression allows me to accept my condition in its proper perspective.

Being able to talk about it to people who understand it, because they have been through it, is affirming. Then growth can take place instead of spinning my wheels wondering why I am alone in this crazy position when I didn’t cause it.

Not having to take responsibility for what others did to me is a great relief and I gave up my family of origin due to their abuse and rejection. It has been painful.

Unfortunately I went from being “crazy” at my home of origin into a marriage with a perpetrator who never lets up. The complexity of abuse, neglect, self-harm, and other trauma became self perpetuating so I never experienced freedom or a real loving relationship. The extreme stress keeps me from getting where I want to be because I have no experience of self dependency to give me confidence.

As I get older the less I tolerate with this new knowledge and feel driven to escape. Fear is my obstacle. I find more friends who I can identify with. It helps when I see them act in a positive direction. It is a role model I can identify with.

 

[Celtic]

I have learned a lot watching this guy over the years. Somehow through his rambling I remember things as th...

KNAK,

well said, and I am kind of blown away by your insight. I am going to reread it a couple of my times to absorb the wisdom.

Celtic