My Husband Just Told Me He's Leaving Me

[Sandstone]

You agreed a plan with your therapist. At the time it was probably easier because it tallied with your feelings. I wouldn't change that plan just because you feel different just now.

 

[intothelight]

@Mal Content So sorry to read this and that you are hurting. I don't know if you or your husband have explored other options, but with a divorce and a child involved there are no winners. At best there is damage control and the most important focus should be doing the least amount of damage to each other and your child. I hope your husband can step up to the plate and put his own personal issues aside and focus on being the best father he can at this point. Confiding in a 14 year old is not a good option as he is a child and not his buddy

 

[Deleted member 33052]

He can't step up to the plate. Apparently, in the year since my PTSD was triggered, he didn't even research it. He thought my isolation was rejection, and couldn't be bothered to find out the truth. We had a very good talk last night. Now he thinks he should stay. I think he should go.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

So, last night, after a bottle of wine, I asked him to be my friend. I have none irl, and I have no family except for him and my kids, and I need to reassure the kids, not unload on them. I have never shown such weakness before, but I was desperate for human contact. Anyway, I was able to release some of my pain. And he remembered why he fell in love with me. And I came to understand that I want nothing more from him than to be my friend with benefits. I think. I'm very confused.

 

[Zanshin]

I think the emotions are too high right now to make any long-term decisions. Be gentle with yourself, if you're friends right now while you talk things out to find out what's best for both of you, that's ok too.

 

[Lopezwhere'sthefire]

I'm really sorry. Is a separation possible? I moved out during a meltdown. We are together, but living apart while I work on this. Is that possible? Thoughts with you.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I'm really sorry. Is a separation possible? I moved out during a meltdown. We are together...

Thank you. I'm back to grieving now, so forgive if I'm morose. When this first happened, I thought it would blow over. For me, it came out of the blue. Now that I've had time to process it, I realize he had made this decision (perhaps subconsciously) as soon as I was diagnosed. Because, really, why else would he not bother to research PTSD? He's a f*cking writer! He does research every single day. :(

 

[Zanshin]

Ask him. If it's angering you so much, ask him.

Maybe he didn't want to read about it and think you were all worst case. (I'm thinking people reading WebMD for other diagnosis and everything is worst case.)
Maybe he wanted to let you tell him about it to see what you needed to help.
Maybe he was too scared for you to look it up.
Maybe he just feels helpless because he doesn't know what to do, and thinks he should leave because he can't help you, and maybe someone else can.

A lot of maybes. I don't know either of you enough to know which it is... make that part of your conversation. I'm sure you're both on a roller coaster of emotions right now that will affect the kids, so go easy on decisions and heavy on discussions if you're capable. If talking isn't your thing right now, can you write it out to explain how you feel?

I've been with my supporter/partner for a number of years and can guarantee that they have never researched PTSD online or in books, possibly just spoke with others who claimed expertise in the subject... But they listen to me when I need it, and let me talk when I need to, and that's priceless. Sometimes just quietly being there is far much more important than research.

 

[anthony]

When this first happened, I thought it would blow over.

No such thing... relationship breakdowns take time to process and like you said, grieve. Months, years even, depending on the level. From experience, f*ck buddies doesn't work out well with your ex. Why? Because if you have approached it to satisfy your needs, then he may be approaching it as a way back together, vice versa. At the end of the day, someone gets hurt again, and regardless what you think, the other also ends up still hurt, still stuck, when they thought it was helping them move on.

Familiar is one thing... but friends with benefits with your ex does not work for anyone involved.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Mal... I'm with you all the way. If you are wondering why he's never looked it up, all I can say is part, in my experience a big part, is denial. Denial from family, friends, partners, employers, psychiatrists, therapists and mostly ourselves. The first time I was told I had PTSD I was about 20 years old and through the years, in and out of the hospital, I was repeatedly told, you have PTSD. Now I know for many of those years there was no internet but there was in the 90's and 2005 when I was told. All those years from the time I was 15, (honest injun) I read Eric Berne, Dale Carnegie, Martanne Williamson, the list is endless with the self help, spiritual and all the "I am on a journey" books you can think of but never once did I get a book on mental illness, let alone PTSD. Not until this summer more than 35 years after I was first told I had PTSD. Only you know in your heart of hearts no maybe you don't know, not yet and maybe he doesn't either.
But I can offer you a little advice. Don't make decisions when you are angry, unless some asshole is gonna harm you or yours. Then go to town with that flower decoupaged baseball bat.
PTSD is one irrational mother f*cker and so is disappointment and feeling betrayed. Give yourself some time, discuss with your T. Talk to H and take some time to think about what you really want. Said with love for you and compassion for your situation :hug:

 

[mary1979]

Mal... I'm with you all the way. If you are wondering why he's never looked it up, all I ca...

Every person on this planet needs an Alice lol

 

[Teasel]

Feel for you with this. Doesn't make sense to me why he wouldn't research ptsd either.