Assault I'm Confused About What Happened

[Amy_Lisa]

hello. I posted an intro thread where I mentioned that something happened with my ex. The situation was that he kept pressuring me to give him oral and I kept saying no, but he kept insisting. Eventually, I gave in because I had no other choice. I've mentioned this to my friends, and they think it is rape because I was manipulated and did not really give consent. Was what happened rape, or just assault?
I'm sorry if I'm being over dramatic about all of this. This is just something that has been on my mind

 

[Broken Dahlia]

You are not being over dramatic, you are trying to make sense of your experience. I was raped by my ex, he forced oral and unprotected sex, but it took me years to accept that as sexual assault.
Talking to a counselor at your local women's center might help you. Just remember, you are in control now and you get to decide how you want to deal with this. I am so glad that you have friends to support you, and so sorry that you have been hurt. Take good care of yourself, you deserve it.

 

[Sideways]

God bless our friends when they try and help:)

Even if you were in my jurisdiction (you're not), it would take a helluva lot more detail to try and ascertain whether a sexual crime was committed to and if so, which one. Sorry.

But I'd think about maybe thanking your friends for their input, but the specific legal offence is really (really) not the issue here. The issue is your boyf (get rid of him) and how you're coping. The way you're feeling isn't determined by what legal offence has happened. And it's how you're feeling that counts.

So, how are you doing? Serious question. If you would benefit from support, then that's valid, and try and reach out to a T, regardless of what the name of the offence is...

 

[Amy_Lisa]

God bless our friends when they try and help:)

Even if you were in my jurisdiction (you're not)...

I'm beginning to recover, even though it was almost 3 years ago. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I've lost a lot of my trust in people. Especially men. I tense, and get very nervous and scared when I'm alone with a man, or even if an older man is nice to me. I hate feeling this way. I feel guilty for being suspicious of everyone.

 

[Sideways]

That's the stuff the matters now.

Not your boyfriend, not legal labels, was it this or was it that.

What matters now is you, where you are, and the healing that needs to happen. The way you are feeling is valid. The healing that you need to do is real, and measured entirely by you and where you're at now.

And I really do hope for the best outcome for you, because whatever anyone wants to call it, this suffering is real and valid. And you don't deserve this.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am going to strongly disagree with @Ragdoll Circus

Even if you were in my jurisdiction (you're not), it would take a helluva lot more detail to try and ascertain whether a sexual crime was committed to and if so, which one. Sorry.

At least in the U.S. that is extremely inaccurate.


I supported a friend who went to the police with a situation just like yours. I sat there as the officer agreed that it was rape. She felt forced to do it against her will, and did not do it willingly. That made it rape. In a court of law he committed a crime. The legal definition can be crucial to some people.

 

[EveHarrington]

If defining the act helps you come to terms with what happened and accept exactly how he took advantage of you/forced you against your will, then I think it's important to get that clarity.

What matters the most is your healing. I think that sometimes words can be overcharged. I think that he forced you against your will and its important to hang on to the truth of his actions against you rather than get overly caught up in what the exact term is for what happened to you.

:hug:

 

[Casey_03]

Eventually, I gave in because I had no other choice.

I agree with everyone else here that you were taken advantage of by this guy and he sounds abusive, but I think legally it's really unclear whether they'd prosecute based on your statement. Why did you feel you had no choice? Did he threaten you? From what you wrote it's really unclear if he just nagged you or literally forced you to do it. I think either way you were abused, but it might be hard to prosecute, depending where you live.

 

[Sideways]

The word "rape" is a minefield. What it means legally, socially, to your friends and to you personally- all different things. I can tell you that here, the social standard is "sex without consent". Legally, it's variations on that from jurisdiction to jurisdiction (here), with "consent" being a word that has, quite literally, hundreds of years of caselaw arguing what exactly the word means. Legally, it would be negligent (here) to draw a conclusion based on your friends thinking "you didn't really consent". Your friends weren't there.

And to me, that brings us back to the same point: your friends weren't there. They aren't feeling what you feel, suffering the way you are, and needing to heal the way you do. Although they can be allies in your recovery.

If you know, in your mind, that at the time, there was no consent, then yeah, call it rape. Society would agree with you. But it doesn't sound like picking apart the minutiae of your thoughts at that moment 3 years ago is necessarily what you need to move forward. Because whatever it was, whatever the label - it wasn't right, you didn't deserve it, & your distress now is the same, and just as valid, and just as in need of healing.

 

[mary1979]

The fact that you were able to be manipulated into the act, and not the actual situation itself, screams alarm bells to me.

Say no?
Be comfortable with that.

The guilt that led to you agreeing in the first place?
Victim long before the fact.

My two cents.

 

[Sideways]

I've been mulling on this, because I know that my posts reflect a personal bias against rape law, because it's one of the best examples of how the law is an arse. But I worry that my approach could be incredibly invalidating. Your friends telling you it's "rape" - that's probably your friends trying to reassure you that what happened to you is a heinous violation and, in that regard, they're bang on.

Sexual crimes are constructed at law to reflect the criminal culpability of the offender, rather than the suffering of the victim. The result is that so often (so so often), there is no real justice for the victim. The law doesn't adequately respond to victims of sexual abuse. It doesn't even come close.

What I can tell you, as a human, with empathy and compassion for your situation, is regardless of what our medieval legal institutions would do with your situation - you were sexually abused. You are the victim of sexual abuse. He sexually abused you. There is no doubt, none, about that.

It makes sense if part of your head wants to put a label on what it is that happened, what it is that you're recovering from. That's pretty rational. And I can say, unequivocally, you were sexually abused. And it's atrocious, and you didn't deserve it. Your suffering is valid. And you're going to be a survivor.

Thoughts are with you.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Ragdoll Circus That is very admirable. I have been thinking on this as well, and I do believe the issue comes down to validation.