Relationship Supporters, How Do You Keep Calm When Your Sufferer Has Bailed And Are Unsure Of Their Return?

[Deleted member 17302]

I just wanted to point out that this description:

could just as easily be describing PTSD, and the p...

For me it won't go away but others it can be triggered late in life and only last a few weeks or months. Everyone has different wiring.

 

[7Cs]

4 years. I have been married before, had children with another woman, and never in my life thought s...

Sounds like a lucky woman (to have you be so committed to her). I hope she realizes she needs help and gets it.
I did and did. I am so thankful for my husband that he continues to stick by me through my ups and downs.
I know it's hard on him.

 

[Olivia2016]

@mr_smith_v2, be very careful with this. I'm not sure what your reference is, but...

This is actually now true. I am new here, my husband just started having the symptoms recently, but I did a lot of research and reading. In some people it goes away forever without therapy and meds, while others may suffer the whole life even in constant therapy. There are also powerful alternative methods to treat it, for example, African shamans treat it in one session as I learned from several sources.

 

[Olivia2016]

How do you keep calm when your sufferer has left and you are unsure they are coming back? My fiancee...

My husband of 7 years, who just started having PTSD recently left with all his stuff a couple of days ago to be alone. There is no way to stay calm, because no matter how much you know and understand, this still does not make any sense to a healthy person. Also, I find it very difficult to handle that he became very selfish and makes all the impossible decisions without even consulting me. He told me that I should move on, he is a burden, and life is too short to waste it on waiting for him to get better, which may never happen, that there are many healthy men I could be happy with, etc. This is impossible to take calmly when all you want in that moment is to help him and to provide support. Everything is rejected, he does not want to see me, does not want to talk on the phone, and refused to take meds. All this really makes me feel powerless and abandoned, and I don't think anyone who is sincere in a relationship and has healthy emotions can be calm. The lack of clarity about what is going on, how long it is going to last, and what will happen at the end is the worst.
I will be trying to bury myself in work. The advice to take care of yourself, go out, have massages definitely does not work for me: all I want is to never go anywhere and never live my house, and preferable sleep through the whole rest of my life, but that would not be possible, because I cannot sleep either. So, in my first experience, there could not be any calm and enjoyment of life while you are waiting on nobody knows what and when.

 

[hangingon]

" Theadvice to take care of yourself, go out, havemassages definitely does not work for me: all Iwant is to never go anywhere and never live my house, and preferable sleep through the whole rest of my life, but that would not be possible, because I cannot sleep either"

You hit the nail on the head right there! I couldn't agree more. I'm just going through the motions. . . .

 

[glass half full]

" Theadvice to take care of yourself, go out, havemassages definitely does not work for me: all Iwa...

I'm now approaching six weeks with contact limited to one email. My man works overseas so I was already accustomed to not having his physical presence, but I was accustomed to daily emails. When I am doubting that hanging in here for him to pop up again is the smart thing to do I read discussions here. That helps alot. I also pace around the house, try to read or go to a movie. I already do facials, pedis and massage regularly and wouldn't give those up. Any bliss is good!

When i feel strongly that I am doing the right thing, my days are what passes as normal for me. I get things done, I laugh with co-workers, get together with friends, call family. Smile when i think of him.

I try to keep several things in mind- my guy was in therapy for some time and I have never seen or heard him get angry. I won't say he doesn't, but I have not experienced that. I think this makes it easier for me to really accept that I did nothing to precipitate this and that its not personal. If he had expressed anger first that would be tough. I also try to keep in mind that he tried to break off our relationship once and didn't do a very good job of it :). He knows how to break it off if he really wanted to. While this may sound naive, i don't think that he would permanently walk away without saying it was over. I just dont think he would. I also try to keep in mind that the one email I have gotten from him told me simply that he's ok and thank you. While he's not increasing his contact, that's not anger nor is is pushing me further away. These are the things that help me to maintain some sanity. But they don't work every day. When I'm rattled I try to forgive myself for being scared, because I am scared- that I'm being foolish, that I'm wasting time, that he won't come back, etc, etc.

I realize that these coping mechanisms are very specific to my situation, other than self forgiveness. I also have an advantage in traveling often for work. A change of scene even for a couple of days is very helpful because I'm in places where i have not been with him so am not reminded as much. I'm trying to be very aware of what's working and not working for me- if he comes back- no WHEN he comes back, i know that this will happen again and i need to learn how to deal with it now as best i can. By learning to be on my own now, i am hopefully taking some pressure off him, because I want him to know that not only am i still here for him- I'm ok when he can't reach out to me.

 

[Sweetpea76]

There is a reason why people tell supporters to go out and take care of themselves when their sufferers isolate or bail. It's because it is the only thing we as supporters can do.

We can't control the situation. We can't fix our sufferers, we can't cure them, and we can't make them healthy enough for a relationship. We can't make somebody love us if they're emotionally numb.

All we can do is make peace with the situation and take care if of ourselves.

As far as fixing a relationship if your partner comes back and wants to work on things...

We have to be calm as the supporter in a PTSD relationship, or it just will not work. You'll make yourself nuts if you cannot. Your sufferer will also pick up on your high emotions and their stress cup will be in constant overflow. They can't handle their own stress, they really can't handle yours.

Everybody is allowed their emotions. Freak out if you need to freak out. I'm not saying, as supporters, our emotions and reactions are not logical and valid. What I am saying is that PTSD relationships can't function like that.

Also, like I said earlier, we have to make peace with the reality of our partners' conditions. No pill, no treatment, no shaman or whatever is going to be able to undo the damage that your partners trauma did to their brain. It's always going to be there.

We have to make peace with everything to function in this kind of relationship. This forum is full of supporters who have been functioning in healthy relationships with their PTSD sufferer partners for years. It is possible to make it work, but it takes the right effort and attitude of both parties.

 

[Nevada00]

going through this same thing for the third (most likely last) time in 3 years. This time was different because my husband in addition to leaving was told by his DOD supervisor what attorneys to seek and what to do with his bank accounts, etc. this coming from a man who's not ONCE been deployed from his cushy office and knows ZERO about my husbands medical profile. I'm in the middle of an abandonment crisis with virtually no income as a result. I've been married about 10 years and put my life and stalled my kids lives for half that time. No more. I never saw this coming the first time-- prayed it wouldn't happen a second and wanted to kick him right in the balls the third. Our kids are suffering and I get all the tough questions which require an even nicer, sympathetic response in my husbands favor because I love my kids to death and I know he does too. But he's so out there that he really believes our marriage and home is the root of all evil. I yelled at him for the first time in my life the other night and I felt awful. At the same time, it felt great. All these years of walking on eggshells. What about my PTSD from him? Discarded like an emotional weight that he feel has been lifted after helping him remember every.single.thing.everyday. From PTSD and tbi. My son developed a stutter and just diagnosed with secondary PTSD. It gets worse and I'm proof. We're 6 years post deployment and I'm the only one in counseling. He's completely destroyed me and everything Ive done for 10 years. Love can't help them. Time away and serious intensive therapy (might help) but they have to want it. Adrenaline is the silent separation killer because that's the constant responder drive in a service persons DNA. I can appreciate that but it's at a cost of adding to their pre-existing stress . They might or might not figure out that no one and nothing will be able to pull them from the rabbit hole they're trying to hide in. Not for long anyway. It's true what they say--"Wherever you go-- there you are". Counseling isn't useless, but there ARE useless counselors. There's a huge difference and it takes time to find a good oneDon't wait around for VA appts. either of you don't have to. The system is yanking these poor doctors around so badly that they've checked out themselves. . My advice to anyone reading this who has a chance to initiate help while things seem "ok", DO IT. It literally could change within the hour if it's bad enough. The problem is not knowing how bad things are until it's too late.

 

[Nevada00]

going through this same thing for the third (most likely last) time in 3 years. This time was different...

--Sorry for the horrible autocorrect grammar!

 

[Believeinlove]

My husband of 7 years, who just started having PTSD recently left with all his stuff a couple of days...

I get you totally! My husband left our house, after marriage of 12,5 years (ironic) that month. We are together for 16 years. Happy, loving, so into each other. And then this. I go crazy at times, most of the times. I try to stay calm, tell myself over and over again: it is the PTSD. He is not himself. The first weeks i was in totall panic. This could not happen to me! He even told me he didnt want to be married to me no more. Loved me for 16 years, has ptsd now and doesnt make the connection between stop loving me en the ptsd. Although it started at the same time. Stupid man! He is away now for about 6 weeks. Got himself a cabin in the woods on a campside. Cycles a lot, walks a lot with our dog, eats little, sleeps and works. Nothing more. He brings the dog about four days a week, so we see each other then. Kills me everytime because he seems more distant every week. Cant stop from crying, cant sleep, loos weight (thats a + ) .
I try to keep myself busy. I work three days, asked for an extra day starting in the next trimester. I have a very dear close friend who stays often in my place to support me. She is really wonderful. Without her i would be crazy. I cant go to the spa: we always dud that together. Cant go shopping: we did that together. Walk with the dog. Together. We did everything togehter. And now I have to do all these things alone. Without him. Sleep alone. Cry alone. That hurts! Do you think he nows how much pain he gives me? I told him not to worrie about us now, to focus on himself. Cause he wanted to end our marriage. But he is/was at the active stage of the ptsd. I dont know how you call it here in english. Acute stage. Not good time to make big staps. Drastic staps. So I told him I would back off, give him space and time. That we would deal with our relationship later. First start with the EMDR and then followed by another therapy. hope to do counseling for us afterwards. I am so glad to read the same thing here on this forum. To know I am not alone in this. To know there are other men/women who isolate.

 

[Dizzle]

My husband of 7 years, who just started having PTSD recently left with all his stuff a couple of days...

@Olivia2016 I know this is an older comment, but I'm so glad I'm not the only one not even caring to leave the house, no desire to socialize, hard time with eating and sleeping. This is my first experience with isolation from my combat veteran, and I have never felt more lonely. To add insult to injury, we are in a temporary long distance relationship, and I have a flight scheduled to leave next week to visit him. I am devastated that I may not even get to see him. :/ I know it's selfish of me, but man.... I was really looking forward to it.

 

[EveHarrington]

(I have PTSD)

@Dizzle

I don't believe wanting to see someone is selfish. (Not in the least.) Rememer that your needs are important in all of this, too. I think it would only start to be selfish if you forced yourself into his life without respect for his boundaries or requests for space (which I don't see you doing).

Please take care of yourself. I know it's not easy. :hug: