Sexual Assault Discussing Childhood Sexual Abuse With My Pastor

[Changing4Best]

Thanks, I think I did well too. I also wish she could have been more specific. She has 2 kids. I have seen that her kids are a handful sometimes, just by themselves. I think she will come around, especially when she knows I have been background checked and that there is no violence in my past from me to anyone else, that I have only that one stupid arrest for begging in the streets when I was homeless through no fault of my own and so on. I am hopeful that it will all work out. My references will also say nice things about me too. That should help as well.

She did mention that she would like for me to work on the decorations team for VBS, so at least I will be involved in some small way, if nothing more. However, I hope I can do more than that. I really do!

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm not sure what sorts of symptoms you experience or what triggers your symptoms, but kids can be very overwhelming. Running, screaming, yelling, chaos-----these could all happen. It can be hard for me to be around lots of kids. I am ok with a few kids, but groups of kids are just too overwhelming for me and can set off my symptoms.

I think it's great that you applied for the position and went through the interview process.

 

[Changing4Best]

Thanks for the heads up on that, I see that it could really be overwhelming, I do. Sometimes, however, it is not a bad thing to be overwhelmed. We learn from such experiences. And who knows, but that I might just really love it. I'll never know if I don't get the chance to try it, will I? There is really only one way to find out.

I was thinking that I could start out by helping out with Sunday School for a few Sundays, like I could be the third person there, more as an observer than as a teacher. That might be one way to find out.

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like you have a good plan! I'm proud of you for persevering! :)

 

[Changing4Best]

I woke up very sad this morning, feeling unworth to be around children and feeling as if I will never be able to have any children in my life. Hopeless. Tears and all.... I so want to work with the children, but it the Pastor stands in my way, I won't have a chance to know how I would be around children, how they would affect me and how I can help them too and enrich their lives! I so want to do this. However, because of my pastor's un-pinpoint-able hesitation, I may never get a chance. I hurt. I feel as if I may be cheated out of this wonderful experience through no fault of my own, but simply because of the stigma that surrounds mental illness and/ or child abuse or both. I hurt inside so badly that I cannot cry the tears that I am feeling. They just touched my eye lashes a little, but would not roll down my cheeks.

 

[Changing4Best]

After thinking about it, I wrote this email to my Pastor:

"How about if I just act as an observer and prayer warrior for the kids, kind of like when you were a proctor at the school during a test they took? I could watch out that the kids behave (which I assume they will, but there are always those little spats that sometimes happen...). I don't have to be in the crafts area necessarily, but I would enjoy being there part of the time if possible.

"I have been overwhelmed in the past during my life, like when I took care of the motel and my husband. That was a really tough time in my life. However, I think I am a better person for it and am stronger too. Being overwhelmed is a part of life and I don't think we should try to avoid it. It is one of the things that God uses to grow us.

"Also, I cannot help but think that the kids would benefit somehow by my presence. I can't see how they wouldn't, even if only from my prayers.

"I am still praying about all this too, of course."
--
"May God Bless Your Day!"
"Sheila"

 

[Changing4Best]

Nothing like a good cup of coffee to get one's mind working!

 

[scout86]

I really think you should have another conversation with your pastor. Or send her what you wrote here at 5AM. I also think you may have something very special to offer but your life hasn't been "average". To me, if this is an attempt to protect children, it's misguided. What it really does is continue to punish the innocent for things they had no control over. I don't see anything particularly "Christian" about that. Someone posted a link earlier to a good article about how some churches choose to use this approach and what they could do better. It would be worth your pastor's time to read it, I think.

Good luck with this!

 

[Changing4Best]

Okay, I drafted an email to her with that link in it, but did not send it yet. I will send it only if she refuses my email of this morning asking her if I could be an observer and prayer warrior for the children. If she refuses that, then I shall send her the link.

 

[Changing4Best]

She did say yesterday during our meeting that she was hesitant somewhat because I wanted to do this for me first, because I had not had any children and felt an emptiness in my life because of this. She felt that my first wish or concern should have been for the children's welfare and benefit, not for my own benefit. I kind of got this oops, feeling, like I should have worded that differently, but what is done is done. I cannot take my words back. I cannot say that my first wish was to benefit the children, because it wasn't. My first wish was to fill a void, an emptiness in my life, because I had never been able to have any children of my own and I have so wanted them. I have yearned for grandchildren. All my friends have them and I have none. I feel a deep longing for grandchildren in my life, and I know that this void in my life will never be filled. I feel depressed. Even chocolate is not taking this feeling away. I am not taking any anti-depressants, so I have no buffer zone in my body at this time to handle this. (Sorry if this is rambled. I am upset, obviously, as I am writing this). All of you here are the only ones I have to turn to until tomorrow, when I have my monthly therapy appointment. Thank God it is tomorrow and not 3 weeks from now!

 

[The Albatross]

That is a really solid self assessment Shelia, and some really candid honesty. Blessings for you today gal. :tup:;)

 

[scout86]

She felt that my first wish or concern should have been for the children's welfare and benefit

Yeah......but?

I'm a long ways from being an expert on feelings and families. It seems to be that human relationships are designed to be give and take from both sides. You gain things from being around kids and you have things to offer the kids too. I think that's true if you're talking about your own children and grandchildren as well as children in general. If someone asked you why wanted to have children, what would you have said?

This sounds like a pretty intense process!