What Should I Do?

[Madukuj]

I have been with my sufferer for a few years. We do not live together I'll add. However I think my feelings are fading or I'm just walling off to him. I genuinely loved this man more than any other man who's ever been in my life and I've been here for him every single day that he has needed me for the last four years. I am REALLY feeling very unappreciated now though. I know he wants me beyond any doubt but I get tired of getting the short end of the stick compared to how he has been with some of his ex's. For example he told me that he has never felt closer to a woman or needed one more than he does me and that scares the hell out of him but he did more "little" things for his other girlfriends. Why? I endured this hell with you but you were better to them? It's extremely hard to grasp and bare. We have talked about our future long term but honestly I'm so sick at how under appreciated I feel that I don't much know that I even want to allow him to be my husband anymore.

My question is this...NOT 1 day has gone by that I haven't been here for him but now I just don't wanna talk to him about anything. I'm hurt. Do I just take my time for me like he does without warning for days or weeks at a time or do I tell him? It's not punishing him to me. I'm just fed up. Don't know what I want anymore.

 

[Muzu]

I'd take the high road. A quick text will suffice. "I need space and time. I will contact you when I'm ready to talk."

Maybe his other women made him chase more? (Guys love the chase.) You're there for him 24/7 so he doesn't have to work to have you or keep you because he knows you're going nowhere.

If and when you get back into contact with him, don't make yourself available 24/7. He'll learn to not take advantage of you.

 

[Ziwiraw]

Seek out support on learning how to set and keep boundaries. Stay or go, this is a skill that can help tremendously in all relationships. This relationship strikes me of one that may be lacking in boundaries.

You were there for him, and he learned you would be there for him, without consequence, even when he didn't invest in the relationship like he did with others.

You have been there for him without a break, and got to the point of wanting a break for good. It doesn't have to be so all or nothing.

He as for sure dropped the ball in a big way, and some serious changes need to happen on his part. But it might be unfair to blame him entirely.

You naturally want and need it to become a two way relationship. It's going to require changes on the part of you and him. For him, he needs to learn to do more for you, and for you, you need to learn to do less for him, and say no more often.

My question is this...NOT 1 day has gone by that I haven't been here for him but now I just don't wanna talk to him about anything. I'm hurt. Do I just take my time for me like he does without warning for days or weeks at a time or do I tell him? It's not punishing him to me. I'm just fed up. Don't know what I want anymore.

I agree with the advice to take the high road and to let him know you need space and you will be in touch later if/when you need to. If you do the same as him, you teach him that this behavior is ok. He also may misinterpret your absence to mean many things that you do't intend, and this could backfire on you both.

If you are done, you are done. It's ok to walk away. I hope you do explain it to him, for his sake and yours. I also hope you consider finding a less black and white option to try other than all or nothing before you do walk away.

 

[Ruporid]

I agree with Muzu. Your focus on yourself, on your needs, and to take actions on your own behalf, are all good connections to a good instinct and good self-esteem.

I relate to your situation, in my own way. I'm sorry for your emotional pain, the interpersonal dynamic is what is at play. As you want something different, you'll shift the balance to the point where new options will open up for both of you, of what is still unknown. It is inspiring that you are valuing yourself, and asking that you be valued in a relationship. You are a good person. :hug:

 

[Onup]

Sufferer here. People change. One of the -many- reasons I don't date is that I liked how I was with boyfriends in my past, that I just plain and simple could not be now. Whether I'll be able to do & be those things again? I don't know. That's like 80 items down my list of things to do. If someone insisted on dating me right now? They wouldn't get the person I want to be. Or the person I was. They'd get the person I am. In theory guys say things like they like the person I am, but like you? Most of them would be really hurt to find out who I used to be. I'm a ghost of my former self.

As far as whether or not to tell him you need/want a break or to break up? Deliberately not telling him is playing games, which usually backfires with vets. Not always. But usually. I think more to the point is that you want to hurt him. You say it's not punishing him, but I don't buy that. At all. Or 4 years in it wouldn't be a question of whether or not to tell him, it would already be a "rule" in your relationship that you each take time as needed with no notice. Clearly, that's not the rule. So it's a deliberate slap across the face.

I've slapped plenty of men across the face, both literally & figuratively. Sometimes it's exactly what's called for. But if you're going to do it? Own it. Or prepare yourself for some "unforeseen" consequences. Not just the potential huge blow-up in response to getting slapped across the face by changing the rules after 4 years, but also? Including all the inner turmoil that happens when you make a big dramatic gesture... And nobody notices. Because he's fine & understands you taking time when you need to without a heads up. Either eventuality is equally possible. And neither ends up focusing on you but on him & how he's reacting...or not.

 

[Muwaj]

It's not his he treated woman before his PTSD. It's is how he's treated the women he's dated after his PTSD. He's had PTSD for 18 years. So it's not like his PRE-PTSD relationships I'm referring too. His last girlfriend before me? He had comma yes that he did everything for her and that was huge for him. Yet he says he did not love her and I mean more to him than any woman has this far in his life. He certainly doesn't show that.

Secondly, No I didn't want to hurt him. I think I'm just so drained from the way he's made me feel. I just wasn't sure I even had the energy to even find the words.

Thank you all for your advice! I didn't want to talk to him because I knew he'd be upset and start an argument. So I left him a voicemail to let him know how I felt. I just want to be left alone. You can only take so much before you just say screw it and don't even want to fix things.

 

[Vucu]

Compassion fatigue is a real thing. It happens to the best of us. We have to cater to their needs, without getting a lot of ours met in return. It can be frustrating.

 

[Uwap]

Good idea to leave the voicemail, and I'm glad you did what you needed to do to take care of you.