Ptsd And Parenting

[Snowflake]

My children are currently 22 and 20. If I knew parenting with PTSD would be this difficult and triggering, I wouldn't have had children nor have been married. My son (20) feels he can control me, threaten me, swear at me, call me names to get what he wants. My husband does nothing, says nothing-he says "do you want me to fight him, beat him with a baseball bat?" "It's your battle, not mine." The more I tell my son to stop, the more he continues -so I either shut down or leave. Thus-my mind then tells me to just end my life-it's not worth it.

Does anyone else find parenting difficult?

 

[Silver.]

My daughter is only 12, and we definitely have our moments. But I have had ptsd since before she was born, so I raised her to know when I need the me time. I am also a pretty strict mother, so she is pretty well behaved for the most part. Though she does purposely do things that drive me nuts, and that's when I get snappy. So we each retire to separate rooms until I can chill.
At the same time, I have a horde of nieces, so I can see what you are going through and can sympathize with you. (my sisters and I have been through everything with our nieces and there were many times where we thought we lost the oldest one, but the best thing we did was come together as a family to address the problems).
I would try to sit down with your son and have a heart to heart. Explain to him what ptsd does to you, encourage him to ask questions. Then explain that when you are at your worst, you need him to show you respect. Our children go through all sorts of stages and he might not understand what you are going through. He is looking at your vulnerability and trying to exploit it to make himself feel better. Who knows, perhaps he is bored when he does this. You could also encourage him to get active in a hobby, if he was busy doing his own things, he would have less time to go after his family and hurt them.
Also, I feel that you should talk to your husband. Parents need to parent as a united front. I don't really feel that our partners will ever fully grasp the ptsd, but we can try our best to explain it to them and explain the things that set us off. Have you talked with him about the ptsd? Perhaps if he knew somewhat, what it was like for you, then he would be able to stand beside you in parenting. I personally feel I would give a lot of thought to my marriage if my spouse wasn't supportive in what I do for me, and how we raise the children.
Also, sometimes just walking away from someone who is relentlessly verbally hurting us is the best solution. You DON'T have to listen to anyone telling you that you are less than. I hope you can find the strength to work through this x

 

[GWhizz]

Yup tho they're only 2.5 and 5 months! The future sounds bright !!

On a serious note though they are really triggering.

Sounds rough with your 20yo though. Your husband really needs to stand by you though as he's getting a mixed message if you don't parent together.

Can you think of any reasons for his aggressive behaviour?

 

[expectingbetter]

I am not a parent, but I think you should try something else than telling him to stop.
Try maybe not to give him what he needs from you if he treats you badly, try to restrict something so he could feel consequences of being rude to you.
I am sorry yo are dealing with that, you have deserved peaceful home and loving family.
Hugs if you accept.

 

[Snowflake]

Yup tho they're only 2.5 and 5 months! The future sounds bright !!

On a serious note though they are r...

He knows I will eventually give in. He has done this since he was a small child.

 

[Silver.]

He knows I will eventually give in. He has done this since he was a small child.

this is where you need to change you and your approach to parenting. He is manipulating you because he knows you can. Sometimes we have to parent the hard way, and while it isn't easy, it will eventually lead to him stopping this kind of behavior, and in the end, he will respect you more for your strength.

 

[Snowflake]

My son has also grew up seeing my husband control me and emotionally abuse me to get what he wants.

My family knows I am in therapy and my husband has freely voiced his thoughts on therapy and me crying abuse abuse abuse. He doesn't really thing anything was terribly wrong with my childhood other than alittle sexual exploration.

 

[Snowflake]

this is where you need to change you and your approach to parenting. He is manipulating you because h...

I am and have been trying. I think that's why it's been really bad-he's not getting his way and it's making him angry

 

[Silver.]

You should be proud of yourself for trying to stick your ground! It can be very hard to change ourselves for the better. x

 

[digger]

At 20, I would stop trying to parent him as such and try and get things more an adult-adult level. He is not a child anymore.

I know that's easier said than done sometimes (i have an 18 year old son) as we have all those parent-child patterns in the relationship, but it's important for him to recognise that as an adult his behaviour is both unacceptable, and his own responsibility.

I would try having a talk with him when you're both calm and explain that this is where your boundaries are and that, as an adult, you expect him to respect those boundaries. That you recognise that he's not a kid anymore and don't want to treat him like one. That you expect him to treat you with the respect he treats other adults with.

I'm guessing he is still living at home for this to be a problem?

 

[Snowflake]

At 20, I would stop trying to parent him as such and try and get things more an adult-adult level. He is...

Actually he's a college student and he's home for the summer. He does have a full-time job. I think what happened is I spoiled both of my children, providing them with a childhood that I never had and now I am regretting it. Both children think that I give the other more and neglect them. I know this is part of growing up and trying to establish their own independence however I don't feel anyone deserves the language that my child has given me. Again I think if I didn't have PTSD things would've been different .

 

[St.Maybe]

Forgive the anecdote, but I feel ill-qualified to give parental advice. I have experience with a similar situation though, and figured that telling you about it might be insightful to your own. My heart goes out to you.

My cousin is 21 and has bullied his mom, to put it lightly. Hushed trauma runs rampant through their shared story.
I am not a parent, so I wouldn't know what it's like, but seeing this kind of behavior perpetuate itself for as long as I can remember has taught me that in my cousin's case, he had to re-learn how to behave... and that can be really hard. It took honesty and harsh consequences and time. I don't know what re-learning how to behave will look like for your son(s) and husband, but I encourage you to think hard about your boundaries. Whether they are being respected yet or not, consider what you will accept from others in terms of what they call you, how they request things of you, how they respond when you say no, etc. Also think about how you will respond when those boundaries are crossed, knowing that you'll be challenged often and tested constantly to see what kinds of poor behavior will still be accepted... if a behavior is not accepted for long enough, the adaptable will adapt. If it's accepted even sometimes, then hope for another such incident adds strength and time to a repeat offender's opposition of your boundaries.

When my aunt gathered the strength and resolve to really lay down the law and assert her boundaries with her son and partner, she had not also gathered the strength and resolve to police those boundaries. She made empty threats when her boundaries were crossed, threats she was simply unprepared to carry out. She felt empowered, which was a great step, but she rushed into battle with half a strategy. Of course that's a terrible simplification on my part, but she agreed.Those empty threats fostered resentment for the threats themselves as well as disrespect for their ineffectiveness.

This is one thing that did work for my aunt, to change the tone of conversations in her house: when someone flung language at you that she did't accept, for example, she let it be known that she would not accept that behavior and quit engaging immediately. She made a promise to herself to always leave for at least an hour. My mom told her go walk, go cry, go pray, go have coffee with a friend, go do none of these things, it doesn't matter, just go every time, and don't let anyone keep you from leaving. She put a lot of effort into this, and her son at least has stopped name-calling. I think it's a slow work in progress.