B
Beth Powell
I am 19 female and don't get along with my father.
For reasons unknown to me my father has C-PTSD, my father has been an army man and from what I know never got along with his father he was also abandoned from a young age by his mother. He has never told me directly but from arguments and what I've gathered along the years suggests he was sexually abused as a child. I don't even know why I am writing this to be honest... venting I suppose. My dad also suffers with panic attacks and is a baaaad hypochondriac... This makes my life very challenging. My dad is the type of asshole to push around anyone he wants and always settles disagreements with physical fights. He hasn't left the house in over 10 years and lives his life on the couch. Ever day is a battle to not talk to loud, or in my case breathe too loud as anything and everything triggers him to lash out in this big angry grab your throat type of unstoppable rage. I have lived with friends, in hostels and on the streets mostly all of my teenage life, I don't have aunties or uncles or grandparents to go visit or move in with, so it's been incredibly hard living with him because if you walk away he follows louder more aggressive with the most awful insults. I suffer from mild hormonal achne and his favourite thing to call me is 'ugly zit freak', his other favourite insults are 'slag, fatty, useless,disappointment, failure and my favourite The problem child'. I hear these repeatedly every single day and although yes I understand he doesn't mean anything he says it's his illness, subconsciously it's been engraved in my head for 19 years. It has left me in a weird place, although my mild anxiety doesn't effect me too much in day to day life I struggle with my anger, I've picked up on his tendency to not think and lash out when something has upset me. I also struggle to stay committed to anything for a long period of time because the thought that 'this won't last forever','i am literally useless' becomes too much and I start to not feel good enough or capable enough to peruse anything. This has messed up high school for me, college, jobs, relationships and friendships. I've tried getting help from doctors but as far as it has ever been taken was Cams, young carers and lots of heavy doses of propanalol and anti depressants. Throughout high school/ college I was heavily sedated by my combination of medicines and it made it incredibly hard for me to focus, motivate myself, to make friends, get my work done and make happy memories. Talking to friends about having a parent with c-ptsd is impossible, they just don't get it. They instantly without thinking shrug it off like it doesn't affect me... this has made it so incredibly hard to ever get the daily pain/anger off my chest. My only true friend lost her mum sadly to cancer two years ago and since then every time I need a friend just someone to talk too she makes comments like ''be thankful you have him'' ''You're the lucky one'' I have one friend due to pushing everyone away and she is amazing and a rock and has been through a lot. I just want someone who is willing to listen and give me advice instead of making me feel bad for resenting my dad. My dad used to be a body builder so he is a big guy and like everyone to know his strength. He squares aggressively up to you if you disagree with him, 'smart mouth him' or even give him a funny look.. I literally can't stand anything so disgusting and I square up back. The most painful thing about it and what I don't understand about it is why when I was in primary school I was golden child he seemed like a normal dad he went out and did things with me, took me fishing, camping, bikes rides and since I started high school he despised me from then on with no reason. Now he is only ever this angry man, who only hates me not my other siblings, turns the whole family against me someone because he is so aggressive scary. It makes me feel like I'm the crazy one...
For reasons unknown to me my father has C-PTSD, my father has been an army man and from what I know never got along with his father he was also abandoned from a young age by his mother. He has never told me directly but from arguments and what I've gathered along the years suggests he was sexually abused as a child. I don't even know why I am writing this to be honest... venting I suppose. My dad also suffers with panic attacks and is a baaaad hypochondriac... This makes my life very challenging. My dad is the type of asshole to push around anyone he wants and always settles disagreements with physical fights. He hasn't left the house in over 10 years and lives his life on the couch. Ever day is a battle to not talk to loud, or in my case breathe too loud as anything and everything triggers him to lash out in this big angry grab your throat type of unstoppable rage. I have lived with friends, in hostels and on the streets mostly all of my teenage life, I don't have aunties or uncles or grandparents to go visit or move in with, so it's been incredibly hard living with him because if you walk away he follows louder more aggressive with the most awful insults. I suffer from mild hormonal achne and his favourite thing to call me is 'ugly zit freak', his other favourite insults are 'slag, fatty, useless,disappointment, failure and my favourite The problem child'. I hear these repeatedly every single day and although yes I understand he doesn't mean anything he says it's his illness, subconsciously it's been engraved in my head for 19 years. It has left me in a weird place, although my mild anxiety doesn't effect me too much in day to day life I struggle with my anger, I've picked up on his tendency to not think and lash out when something has upset me. I also struggle to stay committed to anything for a long period of time because the thought that 'this won't last forever','i am literally useless' becomes too much and I start to not feel good enough or capable enough to peruse anything. This has messed up high school for me, college, jobs, relationships and friendships. I've tried getting help from doctors but as far as it has ever been taken was Cams, young carers and lots of heavy doses of propanalol and anti depressants. Throughout high school/ college I was heavily sedated by my combination of medicines and it made it incredibly hard for me to focus, motivate myself, to make friends, get my work done and make happy memories. Talking to friends about having a parent with c-ptsd is impossible, they just don't get it. They instantly without thinking shrug it off like it doesn't affect me... this has made it so incredibly hard to ever get the daily pain/anger off my chest. My only true friend lost her mum sadly to cancer two years ago and since then every time I need a friend just someone to talk too she makes comments like ''be thankful you have him'' ''You're the lucky one'' I have one friend due to pushing everyone away and she is amazing and a rock and has been through a lot. I just want someone who is willing to listen and give me advice instead of making me feel bad for resenting my dad. My dad used to be a body builder so he is a big guy and like everyone to know his strength. He squares aggressively up to you if you disagree with him, 'smart mouth him' or even give him a funny look.. I literally can't stand anything so disgusting and I square up back. The most painful thing about it and what I don't understand about it is why when I was in primary school I was golden child he seemed like a normal dad he went out and did things with me, took me fishing, camping, bikes rides and since I started high school he despised me from then on with no reason. Now he is only ever this angry man, who only hates me not my other siblings, turns the whole family against me someone because he is so aggressive scary. It makes me feel like I'm the crazy one...
