New Relationships/break Ups. How Do They Affect You?

[Deleted member 32956]

Thanks for your insight everybody. You guys are awesome.

 

[Deleted member 32956]

This woman is very nice and we had similar interests and seemed to get along. That's why I had guilt.

 

[City Slicker]

And do you notice though, @City Slicker , it doesn't apply to children, animals, vulnerable people?

@Junebug - totally. I live with a dog now and it's so much different (really, actually better) in many respects lol!

@PaintedDreams124 - yes I know what you mean about the guilt. It happened to me too when the guy was nice and we seemed to have things in common. If he understood my need for space and didn't push too much then we got along great.

But if he pushed too much or seemed really 'needy' I was in the opposite direction pretty fast. And then I would feel guilt because he generally would have no idea what he did. And even when I would say I just need space, he would say he understood but then I could see he really didn't understand. He thought it was ok as long as I took space with him.

This has happened a few times in the past and I realized I was picking the wrong guys - it doesn't happen too much recently because I am not looking for an ongoing relationship so it's easier I think.

 

[Deleted member 32956]

I needed the space but unfortunately I never communicated that I needed the space at all.

 

[City Slicker]

I needed the space but unfortunately I never communicated that I needed the space at all.

Yes @PaintedDreams124 - I have experienced that which you describe. My memories of those times in my life are painful because I see them now through 'grown' eyes what I couldn't see back then.

And now with all these songs out about how... '10 years have passed and I just want to say hello and that I'm sorry ...' - I think back to one guy in particular and feel that way and know there's absolutely nothing I can do to reach out to him and say 'I'm sorry' - it's too late now.

So I am left with working on feeling compassion and forgiveness for myself. I decided it would be the biggest "I'm sorry" I could wish for him and it's what he would have wanted for me.

This much I know.

 

[Unique Sunflower]

I recently just decided to end a brief relationship because it was mainly causing me too much...

PaintedDreams,
I can relate to what you are describing in both your experience of beginning and ending relationships. When a relationship becomes too overwhelming or consumes more energy than I have, I also have the tendency to walk away in order to simplify my life. In doing so, I occasionally have feelings of guilt because I really want a long term, intimate relationship. It seems instead that complications get in the way with communication, life circumstances, etc. I had a year long relationship end within the last month with a man I'd known for 14 years. We knew each other in a casual context and he was married at the time we met. We did not began dating until after he became divorced and had at one point returned to his ex-wife. During this time, we didn't speak for 3 years. I ended up moving an hour and half from him and he reached out to me after they decided to part ways permanently so we began a long distance relationship. He has a teenage daughter he's been committed to getting through High School and I have career goals that I've been working on so for awhile, long distance worked although due to financial circumstances and health issues, he wasn't able to come see me as often as hoped. I began putting more into the relationship for this reason and he started taking me for granted. This being said, he started a relationship with another local woman who was also divorced and who he'd had involvement with in a soccer club. He kept denying their involvement and tried to make me think they were "just friends" though as their social lives continued becoming more involved even outside of soccer, my intuition kept trying to notify me it was more. I got the confirmation I needed after he lied about participating in something with her instead of where he said he was for fear I'd get upset. Just prior to our breakup, I assisted his family in moving from his residence that he'd been evicted from, supported him emotionally through a medical hospitalization during the move, and also assisted him financially. Following the break-up, I've felt completely betrayed in having provided the support I did and instead of recognizing that, he's off spending time with someone else who he'd been developing a relationship with during our time together. I recognize where I should have established better boundaries with him early on as well as his lack of boundaries. Rather than getting involved with someone who couldn't give to me the way I deserve, I should have allowed him time to work through some things and get on his feet first rather than "supporting him" the way I did. I could have contributed with moral support and friendship from a distance as well. I wrote him a letter expressing my perception of the experience though in doing this, it's been a one sided conversation. He hasn't responded and I feel very sad at the prospect of losing someone completely when we had known each other for so long. I don't think he'll reach out to me unless I initiate contact in the future and part of me feels I should cut my losses and just move forward.

I've also suspected he is a PTSD sufferer. He shared with me his having been physically and emotionally abused as a child by his parents and he was exposed to domestic violence between them. There were times I'd noticed he'd become disassociated and he tended to use excessive sleep as a way of escaping life's challenges rather than being pro-active in problem solving or improving his situation. These weren't things I would have noticed having only known him superficially so in some ways I'm grateful for having found out prior to getting more involved. The saddest part though is he's in so much denial that even suggesting he seek professional help has been like speaking to a brick wall. I realize he needs to come to this conclusion in his own time but it's still very painful. I plan on getting myself back up and on the horse to continue dating though want to use my past experiences as learning tools. Relationships are hard no matter how you dice them up. I keep having faith that at some point I'll meet someone who I can tolerate and who can also tolerate me. :) I'm new to this forum and appreciate your post and in having had the opportunity to share my recent experience with you. Thank you!

Unique Sunflower

 

[Deleted member 32956]

Yes @PaintedDreams124 - I have experienced that which you describe. My memories...

In my opinion it's never too late to apologize. I came here a year ago because I was dating a sufferer (before PTSD came into my life). I feel like I was a little pushy with her. She was a single mother of young child. It was a short relationship. About a month or so. Her PTSD was strong at that time I later realized. I was naive in that sense. I thought she was healed and "normal" because of how she seemed. She had said she was having an episode one night and couldn't see me and near the end she said she was sorry for keeping me away and that she would see me soon. Eventually she didn't contact me for a couple of days, was super short and almost robotic like for a week and then ended it. With all she had in her plate I should have given her more space and been more proactive in knowing the monster PTSD really is. I've wanted to apologize to her for a year about not giving her more space. Even though she never asked for it. I don't think it's ever too late to apologize.

 

[City Slicker]

In my opinion it's never too late to apologize.

He's dead.

If you have wanted to apologize and it's possible, consider doing that.

 

[Deleted member 32956]

He's dead.

If you have wanted to apologize and it's possible, consider doing that.

Oh no. I feel terrible now. I'm so sorry!

 

[City Slicker]

@PaintedDreams124 - Thank you - it's ok, you meant absolutely no harm.

Sometimes it is too late to apologize to the person and one has to find another way to resolve things. I have to the best of my ability and I sense the depth of that will still evolve as I continue to develop compassion and forgiveness for myself.

I hope you find your way with what's happened in your relationship to a place of compassion, forgiveness and peace.

 

[Deleted member 32956]

Thank you!

 

[NatBird]

I recently just decided to end a brief relationship because it was mainly causing me too much...

Do they trigger your symptoms?

Break-up's send me straight into abandonment trauma and affective flashback - even if I ended it. It is particularly bad with someone that I really liked.

Even if you like the person a lot, do you try to work it out and stay, or is it ever too much no matter how good things are?

I tend to leave - I often want to stay and work it out but staying requires a bit of space for me to feel out what's mine, what isn't, what's the trigger and what's 'real'. Unfortunately, (and classically I imagine) I've chosen types that don't give space - they want to talk and emote emote emote - which overwhelms me and I cut them off. Sad:/

Are you scared for them to see the PTSD side of you?

I'm not scared of them seeing it, I'm scared of how they'll respond - the potential horror, silence, basically abandonment.

Do you ever feel like you will be a burden?

I don't feel like I'd be a burden. I do feel that I require paticience

Do you ever feel like they deserve someone "normal" and they can do better than you?

I always feel the moment it is over that they are better off - that they've suddenly started to deeply enjoy life and have realized what a horrible draining person I was.


Do you feel guilty during/after an isolation period?

I don't have relationships so don't know these days but back then, no.

Do you ever feel embarrassed or a sense of shame or guilt regarding to break ups, and/or new relationships?

I feel embarassment about most break ups I've had - either around how unaware I was of what I was doing or the fact that I could not remain open to communication. These days I often think how cruel it is to just cut someone off. I mostly don't think people care and so that's why it feels like nothing at the time but as I get more feeling I see it is cruel and I feel a lot of shame about that.

Do you ever feel like you can never talk to them again because you associate them with the stress?

Yes with some - with my last long term partner - she simply triggers emotional abandonment flashbacks. But mostly it is shame that stops me talking with them. But these are the painful break ups - I have two ex's I still talk to and have reasonable connection with.

Thanks for asking the questions and giving me a chance to reflect on things.