Hello, I just joined about 40 minutes ago. I have suffered from PTSD for very many years, though it wasn't until 2009 that I was correctly diagnosed. I also suffer from bi-polar type 2.
As an infant thru age 6 or 7 I was molested and at age 9 or 10 I was once left with a teenage boy who raped me, all of which I suppressed for many years. Also, I suffered & witnessed much emotional abuse from infancy until after I divorced my 1st husband at age 19.
In my very early 20's I was hospitalized for depression & suicidal tendencies (1 attempt) and over the years have been to many counselors, therapists, psychologists & psychiatrists (and was the guinea pig of several medications...finally I have been consistent with what works for me these last 3 years.)
It seems that it is only at this stage of my life that my mind seems ready and willing, not only to recognize what events occurred in my past, but to actively deal with those things in a beneficial way. When I can associate those past events with the mistakes I have made, understanding why I have exercised certain behaviors, then I can begin to resolve faulty thinking and replace it with proper thoughts and concepts.
For example, I still suffer storms of debilitating depression that whip up waves of overpowering feelings of worthlessness and self hatred, which unbounded come crashing onto my more sound sands of reason. During those times I desire to be swept away into the current.
Yet I find that even the strongest winds and darkest storm clouds will eventually disipate, leaving the sun to dry the sands. This I have learned after surviving many deadly storms! Now I have come to see that Death is not a friend, inviting as it may seem to be, but it is an enemy! And enemies must be vigorously fought and thwarted!
Still, I find that I am not truly facing the storm, but rather taking flight, running as fast as my legs will scurry...that is, until the storm returns! This is where myPTSD comes in, as my goal is to `restrain' the winds that have held me captive.
I am only recently recognizing that there are certain past details that I am still denying, trying to obscure, as if speaking of them is what breathes them to life. Much easier, it seems, to overlook an obscure pass than to clear it by light of day!
Thanking you all in advance for listening & responding!
As an infant thru age 6 or 7 I was molested and at age 9 or 10 I was once left with a teenage boy who raped me, all of which I suppressed for many years. Also, I suffered & witnessed much emotional abuse from infancy until after I divorced my 1st husband at age 19.
In my very early 20's I was hospitalized for depression & suicidal tendencies (1 attempt) and over the years have been to many counselors, therapists, psychologists & psychiatrists (and was the guinea pig of several medications...finally I have been consistent with what works for me these last 3 years.)
It seems that it is only at this stage of my life that my mind seems ready and willing, not only to recognize what events occurred in my past, but to actively deal with those things in a beneficial way. When I can associate those past events with the mistakes I have made, understanding why I have exercised certain behaviors, then I can begin to resolve faulty thinking and replace it with proper thoughts and concepts.
For example, I still suffer storms of debilitating depression that whip up waves of overpowering feelings of worthlessness and self hatred, which unbounded come crashing onto my more sound sands of reason. During those times I desire to be swept away into the current.
Yet I find that even the strongest winds and darkest storm clouds will eventually disipate, leaving the sun to dry the sands. This I have learned after surviving many deadly storms! Now I have come to see that Death is not a friend, inviting as it may seem to be, but it is an enemy! And enemies must be vigorously fought and thwarted!
Still, I find that I am not truly facing the storm, but rather taking flight, running as fast as my legs will scurry...that is, until the storm returns! This is where myPTSD comes in, as my goal is to `restrain' the winds that have held me captive.
I am only recently recognizing that there are certain past details that I am still denying, trying to obscure, as if speaking of them is what breathes them to life. Much easier, it seems, to overlook an obscure pass than to clear it by light of day!
Thanking you all in advance for listening & responding!
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