Relationship Accidentally Triggered My Girlfriend's Ptsd. How Do I Help Her?

[CPTX1981]

I'm new to this forum.

I've been with my girlfriend for over a year but most of that relationship was spent 2,000 miles apart from one another. We've only been around each other regularly for the last 3 months and now we're living together.

She suffers from PTSD which are the result of various forms of abuse over the course of her life, mostly from relationships that she has been in. I am ashamed in admitting that though we've been together all this time that I still don't understand what she goes through on the level that she would like me to.

The other night she was teasing me, tickling me and doing things that are usually good natured jokes for her towards me. I have been sick and was having a hard time going with it and I started to get annoyed, however I wasn't angry. I had a pillow next to me and I, in a playful attempt to get her to stop, hit her with the pillow. I meant to do it gently, however there was more force behind it than I intended and it struck her in the face. Her glasses got pushed into her face which slightly bent one of the nose pads and bruised the bridge of her nose and under her eye.

When I realized that I hurt her I immediately apologized and asked her if she was ok. I felt terrible because it was not my intent to hurt her. I was playing around and it got too rough. I got up and got her some ice and asked to see if I could fix her glasses. She refused and both the ice and for me to look at her glasses and I could tell she was just in shock.

I honestly didn't intend to hurt and what I did was not out of anger. As I said, I was getting annoyed, but it was a playful action that turned into an accident. She doesn't want to be around me right now. If I try to hug her or comfort her, she tells me she feels uncomfortable. She is having a hard time telling me that she loves me and she won't wear the necklace that I gave her that she puts on every day. I asked her if I was going to lose her and she said she didn't know.

She told me that others in her life have abused her and told her that it was an accident and attempted to console her afterwards so she is fighting a battle in her head that I'm not doing the exact same thing. Right now her mind is telling her that I did intend to hurt her and I'm just trying to control her, the way it has happened in the past with other people. I've had moments in the last few days where I've expressed frustration towards her that I felt like she was comparing me to those other people. Honestly it does upset me that her thoughts right now are lumping me, who accidentally hurt her while being playful, in with other abusive ex's including her ex husband who raped her and physically assaulted her in front of a crowd of people. I know that me getting frustrated towards her is not right. It's not her fault. She can't help it right now. But at the same time, I don't know how to handle my emotion regarding how she's feeling right now.

I feel the need to mention that I have never hit her, ever. I do have a temper at times and we have had some big fights before, but they only involved me getting angry and yelling. I've never hit her, thrown anything, broken anything, or verbally abused her either.

I don't know what to do. Admittedly we've had our problems in the relationship, but I don't want to lose the woman I love more than anything, especially over something that honestly was an accident. I want to support her and be a better person for her, especially when it comes to understanding her PTSD, but I don't know what to do and I'm terrified at the thought that I'm going to lose the person I care about.

 

[Silver.]

Hi there, welcome to the forums. Right now I think the most you can do is be patient with her, keep up with your assurances that you love her, and not just verbally. She needs to be able to see you're not like the others. It might help the two of you out to try couples therapy. That way she can talk about what triggers her, and what she is going through, with a trusted therapist, while you hear it. The therapist can also give you ideas on how to cope with what she is going through and give you a better understanding of not just PTSD but how the PTSD affects your girlfriend. Don't give up on her, keep up. There are a lot of great supporter posts here in the forum that will be filled with ideas from great people on more that you can do. Take Care.

 

[Riot]

I don't know what to do. Admittedly we've had our problems in the relationship, but I don't want to lose the woman I love more than anything, especially over something that honestly was an accident. I want to support her and be a better person for her, especially when it comes to understanding her PTSD, but I don't know what to do and I'm terrified at the thought that I'm going to lose the person I care about.

@CPTX1981, I'm not attempting to paint you as a bad person, or imply that you hit her with your pillow as an act of malevolence, but I do feel like it's important to point out that yelling at someone, especially when angry, is verbally abusive. You'll find that most emotions and experiences, especially in the PTSD community, run on a continuum, and yelling is a pretty common trigger. (I'd go so far to say that people without PTSD also dislike and find yelling to be helpful.)

In the last part here, you said you want to support her and be a better person for her. It sounds like a lot of what you described is broken down within the communication between you two.

I have PTSD, and I'm the 'other' in this scenario. My husband wasn't always a very good communicator. He still has areas of improvement, don't we all, but when he improved his communication skills and applied them within our marriage, it definitely helped me out quite a lot. Just a thought.

 

[Blackjack]

Just a thought, but why don't you show her your post that you have put on here? Let her see that you have publically declared how upset you are about the accident and that you are asking people to help you to help her? It would show her that you care about her, her feelings and that it was a genuine accident. I am sure that she would appreciate you trying to seek help to get it right for her. I know if my hubby did something like that I would be really happy that he wanted to help me. Good luck CPTX, be patient with her, give her time and just keep loving her

 

[Riot]

I'd have to respectfully disagree with @Blackjack. Since she explained her previous abuse cycles and how that made her feel, and then related to it in this current situation, I can see how it may easily be construed as a form of manipulation or form of group mentality pressuring. Gaslighting tends to run in these same types of situations, and that is something I am quite familiar with. (For the record, I would unlikely respond well to that sort of attempt in a situation such as this, and I'd probably feel paranoid if I didn't know any better, as I've been on the receiving end of gaslighting.)

I think your best bet is to work on communication. As her how you can help and make it better. Come up with a few suggestions yourself, too. Could you guys talk to a professional together? Is she willing to talk to someone (with or without you) about her PTSD and coping mechanisms? Would she like you to talk to a professional (or community) alone? (I was more comfortable with my husband seeking professional support by himself, to support me. I felt that seeing the same therapist would hinder my progress at that point in time.)

 

[CPTX1981]

I think your best bet is to work on communication. As her how you can help and make it better. Come up with a few suggestions yourself, too. Could you guys talk to a professional together? Is she willing to talk to someone (with or without you) about her PTSD and coping mechanisms?

I've mentioned us going to counseling, but she already feels overwhelmed in her own bi-weekly counseling sessions and she doesn't feel that she could emotionally handle also going to couples sessions. I was going myself weekly when I could afford it (if at least once a month) before I moved here. I've only been here a few weeks so I haven't found one yet.

She wouldn't respond well to knowing that I posted this because she doesn't like me talking with anyone about our problems unless they're a therapist and it is kept just between the two of us.

 

[Casey_03]

I have been sick and was having a hard time going with it and I started to get annoyed, however I wasn't angry. I had a pillow next to me and I, in a playful attempt to get her to stop, hit her with the pillow. I meant to do it gently, however there was more force behind it than I intended and it struck her in the face.

Just from reading this, I get the sense that you aren't entirely sure that you didn't do it out of frustration, that you feel guilty because a part of you suspects you DID do it more forcefully out of annoyance. I don't mean to say you're an abuser or you beat her or you're terrible or anything like that, not at all, but the impression I got from reading your post was that you're trying very hard to convince yourself there was no anger in the move, but you either fear that there was or you know that there was. I might be completely wrong, but you just repeated it so many times it seems like you're trying to reassure yourself .... if there was any anger in it, better to be honest with yourself about it and move past it. The only way to fix this is to be honest and open with each other, and if she is unwilling or unable to do that right now, write her letters that she can read later, or that she can read in solitude without you around. Keep the line of communication open, show her that you feel remorse, but give her space. I would also echo what @Riot noted above -- yelling can still be abusive if it's consistently happening. I don't know enough about your situation, but the overall vibe I'm getting from what you've posted is that deep down you are afraid that the situation is becoming abusive ... I just can't tell if that's because you're afraid of reminding her of abusive exes, and so you're afraid of anything that can be considered abuse in general .... or if you genuinely have anger issues that you're not being honest with yourself about. I don't mean that as a judgment either way; these are just my impressions.

 

[CPTX1981]

...the impression I got from reading your post was that you're trying very hard to convince yourself there was no anger in the move, but you either fear that there was or you know that there was...

I was not angry; annoyed a little, but not angry. I still meant to do it playfully and not injure her. I'm not trying to convince myself that it wasn't out of anger; I know it wasn't.

I don't want to be abusive, period. I have done a lot to remain calm, even when she's yelling at me, because I realize that that my yelling will only make things worse. But I do still have a lot I can improve on and I'm doing my best.

 

[Blackjack]

My apologies CPTX, I did not mean to cause offence. Riot, my apologies too

 

[sun seeker]

Right now her mind is telling her that I did intend to hurt her and I'm just trying to control her, the way it has happened in the past with other people. I've had moments in the last few days where I've expressed frustration towards her that I felt like she was comparing me to those other people. Honestly it does upset me that her thoughts right now are lumping me, who accidentally hurt her while being playful, in with other abusive ex's including her ex husband who raped her and physically assaulted her in front of a crowd of people.

This is the point I see that needs clarifying. If she has PTSD and what you did triggered her, she truly will be having a very hard time telling the difference between what you did and what the people who abused her did. There could be a part of her brain telling her there is a difference, but she won't be able to feel that difference on an emotional level. Getting upset with her will make it worse because she will feel blamed for a trigger that she has no control over. Reasoning with her, or telling her that you are upset at her generalizing, will only put more pressure on her.

She'll need time, and working in therapy which you say she is already doing, to really feel and act on this being a different situation. Meanwhile, the best thing you could do is find a therapist for yourself. Take those upset feelings to someone who can listen compassionately without being triggered by them. Right now, that can't be your girlfriend.

And yes, you will need to work on being extra careful about how you express anger, because it is very likely to continue to trigger her. That's another thing a therapist could help you with.

 

[Thizette]

@CPTX1981, yelling is a pretty common trigger.

Absolutely. I'm still trying to get my partner to understand how yelling affects me. He's seen it a few times, when he's mad at something unrelated to me and he yells about something and I'll just start crying.

And sometimes he gets frustrated with me and says what I'm sure so many of us hear all the time, "But I'm not going to hurt you!" I can say that, even when I trust completely that he won't, it doesn't matter once triggered. I want to show some solidarity with @CPTX1981 here, because I know we can be incredibly frustrating to live with when we're so haunted by the past. It's incredibly hard to forgive even the accidental transgressions. I second recommendations for therapy.

Another thing is to just ask her what you can do to help her feel safe again or to rebuild the trust between you.

 

[Riot]

My apologies CPTX, I did not mean to cause offence. Riot, my apologies too

Uhh, no apology needed, @Blackjack? :confused: