Relationship Accidentally Triggered My Girlfriend

[ghostfacemonroe]

I want to reach out to her so bad. Would a text or call be out of the question?

 

[Freida]

Would a text or call be out of the question?

yep.

Sorry.

the whole "why can they hang out with others and not me" question is pretty common and the answer is --- distraction. "others" dont really matter in the big scheme of things and don't require any emotional engagement so they can be really distracting.

The other guy thing? three of my battle buddies are guys and when I'm in that place I talk to them more than hubby. Why? sometime because they can relate, sometimes because for me guys are easier to talk to than women because they are way more blunt :laugh: Not sure if hubby cares - never thought to ask him. But I do know he appreciates them because they help me sort crap out.

I hate to say this but if this one episode ruins your relationship there is something bigger at play. It might be just wrong time wrong place, it might be a trigger that ties into current therapy, it might be something that has been percolating in her brain and just suddenly blew up on her. If she gets it together and comes back, I think you both need to do some planning for when it happens again. Note I said when, not if. It's ok to have ground rules for what you will and will not put up with when she runs as long as they are rules she can live by and you set them together..

 

[ghostfacemonroe]

yep.

Sorry.

the whole "why can they hang out with others and not me" question is pretty common and the answer is --- distraction. "others" dont really matter in the big scheme of things and don't require any emotional engagement so they can be really distracting.

The other guy thing? three of my battle buddies are guys and when I'm in that place I talk to them more than hubby. Why? sometime because they can relate, sometimes because for me guys are easier to talk to than women because they are way more blunt :laugh: Not sure if hubby cares - never thought to ask him. But I do know he appreciates them because they help me sort crap out.

I hate to say this but if this one episode ruins your relationship there is something bigger at play. It might be just wrong time wrong place, it might be a trigger that ties into current therapy, it might be something that has been percolating in her brain and just suddenly blew up on her. If she gets it together and comes back, I think you both need to do some planning for when it happens again. Note I said when, not if. It's ok to have ground rules for what you will and will not put up with when she runs as long as they are rules she can live by and you set them together..

You've given me great advice and insight and I appreciate that so much. If you don't mind me asking, was there ever a point where you, or maybe someone else you knew, required no contact space like this? I know that different situations need different amounts of time and space, but how long did that no contact space last? What kind of things were learned in that space? This is the first time she's done this not only with me, but with anyone.

 

[Freida]

Every January. I bail on everyone in January. It's a horrible time of year for me. I've learned to do it "better" over time - more communication with hubby about where I'm going has been the big one because when I take off I really take off. And yep - it lasts about 4 weeks. After a ton of therapy I've learned to isolate at home (sort of) but I still tune everyone out.
I also have a few weeks here and there thru out the year that it happens. Sometimes its a day or so, sometimes its a week or more.

Isolation and taking off are pretty common in ptsd. Not everyone does it, but.....
If this is her first time she probably has no idea why she is doing it. It's about blocking anyone who makes you feel. That's why we can hang out with friends but not our families. It can be triggered by everything from an overly tough therapy session or by anniversary reactions (the time of year the original trauma occurred). If you read over on the supporter site it's a really common issue.

here's what you need to remember -- Its Not About You.
When I isolate I don't see my people,. It's like they are just gone. I'm dealing with whatever it was that drove me out the door. Yes, a supporter may have been what triggered me but chances are it's not the actual problem.

Check out this thread... What are they thinking Its all about isolation and taking off from both the supporter and sufferer side.

And the answer -- when or if she will come back? There isn't one. But I'll warn ya, when I come back I have no idea why people are annoyed with me :laugh: So if she just shows up like nothing is wrong? Ya...been there. All part of the fun filled journey that is ptsd

 

[ghostfacemonroe]

Every January. I bail on everyone in January. It's a horrible time of year for me. I've learned to do it "better" over time - more communication with hubby about where I'm going has been the big one because when I take off I really take off. And yep - it lasts about 4 weeks. After a ton of therapy I've learned to isolate at home (sort of) but I still tune everyone out.
I also have a few weeks here and there thru out the year that it happens. Sometimes its a day or so, sometimes its a week or more.

Isolation and taking off are pretty common in ptsd. Not everyone does it, but.....
If this is her first time she probably has no idea why she is doing it. It's about blocking anyone who makes you feel. That's why we can hang out with friends but not our families. It can be triggered by everything from an overly tough therapy session or by anniversary reactions (the time of year the original trauma occurred). If you read over on the supporter site it's a really common issue.

here's what you need to remember -- Its Not About You.
When I isolate I don't see my people,. It's like they are just gone. I'm dealing with whatever it was that drove me out the door. Yes, a supporter may have been what triggered me but chances are it's not the actual problem.

Check out this thread... What are they thinking Its all about isolation and taking off from both the supporter and sufferer side.

And the answer -- when or if she will come back? There isn't one. But I'll warn ya, when I come back I have no idea why people are annoyed with me :laugh: So if she just shows up like nothing is wrong? Ya...been there. All part of the fun filled journey that is ptsd

That is such a helpful thread. This has all been so helpful, I can't thank you enough. I don't feel the guilt as strongly, and I understand and respect her space even more. The biggest thing I'm struggling with now is handling the unknowns. It seems like this could resolve in a million different ways, and the fact that I can't narrow down the possibilities to just at least a few different ways drives me cuckoo bananas. I don't know what is going to happen and what things will change. My support lines have been very supportive, and none of them think that she will exit the relationship, which is reassuring, but I do feel like I have to prepare for that because I've never dealt with this before and I've never seen her like this. It's all new, confusing, and very difficult to process, but your insight helps.

 

[siniang]

I'm wondering also if part of her issue is that she is upset because she doesn't trust you because it's not YOU shes upset with. Been there- done that. I know that I'm over reacting, I know that a bad reaction from my past clashing with my present is not anyone else fault, and I feel like crap because I'm blaming them for something they aren't really responsible for.
It's my reaction to their action based on my past.
And that's not fair to them.
That's a very confusing place to be.
Which is probably why she hesitated before leaving --that can be a lot of guilt.

I can relate to that. Quite often I get upset not over the initial fact but because I know I'm overreacting - and just can't damn stop and control myself. And oftentimes I don't even know why I'm overreacting - which in itself is a very frustrating feeling. It's kind of a self-reinforcing process. The more you trie to stop, the more frustrated you get because it's not working, the harder it gets.

So the easiest, maybe only, solution is to take yourself out of the equation that is the situation. Out of sight, out of mind, sorta.

If you don't mind me asking, was there ever a point where you, or maybe someone else you knew, required no contact space like this? I know that different situations need different amounts of time and space, but how long did that no contact space last? What kind of things were learned in that space? This is the first time she's done this not only with me, but with anyone.

I ghosted my husband for an entire day, just last week. And I'm someone who needs a ton of attention to the point of usually annoying >him<. But for some reason - there wasn't even a trigger or other reason like a fight or anything - I just needed that headspace. I may have just slept crappy. I was perfectly fine at work and joked with colleagues and all. I needed that emotional distance to him specifically at that point and to just be "left alone" and also to not accidentally put things on him (blame, aggression, ...) I know wouldn't be fair to him. And because I wasn't sure whether I could control myself, I just didn't reply to his texts, at all. It actually got him worried because I'm not usually like this.

4 days, 5 days ....after a major trigger? I know it's really really hard for you (been on the receiving end, myself, too), but doesn't exactly seem extensive just yet. She needs that space and time to basically get herself back in "control", so to speak. I don't know, maybe she's waiting for her next therapy appointment to get some help with this, learn some coping mechanisms for this?

The way I see it? The silence and distance is for her to sort things out, but also kind of to protect you.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think:

It isn't likely it can be processed quickly, as you said her face had a look of horror and tears.
I do think by what you've said she knows how to tackle triggers, and voicing why did you not stop? shows she trusts you, to dialogue. Which challenges the conclusions the triggers could lead her to draw.
I think that even wanting to deal with it/ get over (or through) very very much, doesn't always guarantee it's possible (one can be left with reactivity).
I think explaining the logic and behind your choice was critical, and was a way to challenge the likelihood of her mind putting it in the 'trauma' category.
I think she may question the whole relationship, or her ability to be in one with you.
I think you really were astute and caring to take responsibility from the start, and try to mend it.
I think you shouldn't feel guilty, but that you should not expect her to be over it.
I think it's unrealistic (at this time) to say to her you're just here to keep her safe (she's likely challenging the opposite of it, somewhere deep in her mind, as shown by the horror).
I think it's a good sign your supporters think she will come around, as they may see things on the outside you can't.

Best wishes to you.

 

[ghostfacemonroe]

I think:

It isn't likely it can be processed quickly, as you said her face had a look of horror and tears.
I do think by what you've said she knows how to tackle triggers, and voicing why did you not stop? shows she trusts you, to dialogue. Which challenges the conclusions the triggers could lead her to draw.
I think that even wanting to deal with it/ get over (or through) very very much, doesn't always guarantee it's possible (one can be left with reactivity).
I think explaining the logic and behind your choice was critical, and was a way to challenge the likelihood of her mind putting it in the 'trauma' category.
I think she may question the whole relationship, or her ability to be in one with you.
I think you really were astute and caring to take responsibility from the start, and try to mend it.
I think you shouldn't feel guilty, but that you should not expect her to be over it.
I think it's unrealistic (at this time) to say to her you're just here to keep her safe (she's likely challenging the opposite of it, somewhere deep in her mind, as shown by the horror).
I think it's a good sign your supporters think she will come around, as they may see things on the outside you can't.

Best wishes to you.

I wish I could have told her my logic behind it before she left. I feel like it’s too late to do that now, her hyper-vigilance may make her see it as me trying to invalidate her. To be clear, my supporters are not involved with her at the time, so they have not seen her side of it nor do they know what she is doing/thinking. I think she is questioning it as well, as she naturally would in a situation like this, which I understand. I’ve put a lot of time, love, support, and patience into her though. I would hope that she sees what wonderfully magical times we have and decide to stay. But who knows :(

 

[Tinyflame]

I think the biggest things are trust and safety: for your part you need consistency, transparency, honesty, self-forgiveness, actions and understanding; on her part she needs tools, processing, forgiveness and not assigning blame to you, being responsible and not bailing, or feeling excessive guilt she reacted. And the level of the stress cup plays a part (even having sleep).

I hope it works out for you both. :hug:

ETA, it doesn't really matter the etiology or source of the trigger, innocuous things can be just as bad, that's sort of irrelevant. It sorts of fits it's title, it gets pulled or not. IMHO. It's what it goes back to that is the worst.

 

[siniang]

I wish I could have told her my logic behind it before she left. I feel like it’s too late to do that now

Keep in mind, logic and reason don't always work for people with mental disorders.

Trying to "force" the logic on them ("if I just explain it better or had explained it earlier, they'll see and understand it) doesn't work and could in fact actually backfire.

Maybe I misread, but you have anxiety/depression yourself? You then should be familiar with this.

 

[ghostfacemonroe]

She just called me and broke up with me. I'm pretty distraught. But I appreciate everyone trying to help.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I’m sorry to hear that @ghostfacemonroe. It sucks that love isn’t always enough.