Sexual Assault Dreamed Of The Man Who Assaulted Me. Sometimes Think I Miss Him. Wtf O.o

[LanaD]

Hi all,

"Warped" is the word that comes to mind. Very recently the guy I was dating dropped off the face of the earth - he simply disappeared, which was rather hurtful and got me into a bad state.

Last night I dreamed I was having sex with the guy who assaulted me and it turned out we were married. In my dream it all made sense: he's the only one who could possibly want to be with me. I shook off that feeling when I woke up as obviously that's not true.

But this scary thing has been happening throughout the day: the thought that it is true (that he is the only guy who could possibly want to be with me) will sneak into my mind. I've been finding myself debating whether I should get in touch with him, whether I should ask him out. What in the world is this?! I want to stay as far away as possible from the guy, obviously, but I'm freaked out by these thoughts. I keep telling myself this will go away but I actually get what I'm afraid to admit is a "loving" (?) feeling when I find myself thinking about him, which in turn makes me feel that I'm so defective that I only deserve to be with guys like him.

Have you experienced this? How did you handle it?

Cheers

 

[Lotis]

I actually get what I'm afraid to admit is a "loving" (?) feeling when I find myself thinking about him, which in turn makes me feel that I'm so defective that I only deserve to be with guys like him.

Let me reassure you he is not the only guy who could possibly want to be with you. That is the abused, terrified, broken part talking. To convince yourself you are so damaged now that only the abuser or that type of person would want to be with you; is not true. Just because something horrible happened to you it doesn't mean you are a horrible person and deserve more horrible things to happen. Remind yourself that it was just a dream. Most of the time our dreams have an underlying meaning to them and are never what they appear to be. Maybe your dream wasn't about the guy who hurt you but rather what you truly want; a happy relationship, a marriage, a normal sex life. Because of your underlying "loving" feelings for the guy who assaulted you exist could be why he appeared in your dream. But this is something you need to work through. What about him makes you feel for him? Is this someone you have grown to know or a complete stranger?
You are not defective.
It is common especially in children who are sexually abused (mostly by family members or really close family friends) to feel love and hate for their abuser. Children often become so confused because here is someone who says they love them and should protect them but yet they are doing horrible things to them. These conflicting feelings are often the reason why they do not tell and keep it secret. I struggled with these feelings my entire life.

After being abused again in adolescence by a boy visiting his cousin for the summer, I found myself convincing myself that I was defective and only guys who want to hurt me and not love me would want me. I convinced myself that what he did to me I deserved and that I shouldn't hate him for it and I found myself actually thinking I could have a relationship with this person. However, it was all in my head because when I physically saw him again I was terrified - there was no love or caring feelings. It was only fear, anger, hurt, embarrassment and hatred. Seeing this person again after what he did to me was the best and worst thing that could happen. I am NOT saying you should go see the person who assaulted you I am saying that what is in your head is not exactly what you really feel in your heart.
You are not alone.

L

 

[LanaD]

Let me reassure you he is not the only guy who could possibly want to be with you. That is the abused, te...

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I REALLY appreciate it! And I'm sorry to hear about your experiences and struggles :/

"Maybe your dream wasn't about the guy who hurt you but rather what you truly want; a happy relationship, a marriage, a normal sex life." That makes total sense. I would like those things. Thinking about what you write is making me realize deep down I hoped I'd have those things with the guy I was seeing (however casually) and by him disappearing the feeling that I don't deserve those things (or respect) resurface.

I'd go farther than you and use "shame" instead of "embarrassment." I'd imagine that's what you felt? That's what I've come to realize I've been feeling, this strong and deep-rooted sense of shame - fortunately I am working through it.

I will write your words down and keep them with me :) "what is in your head is not exactly what you really feel in your heart."

Thank you!!!

 

[Justmehere]

I have been through this a few times, and it is confusing to experience!

A desire to go back to a previous abuser is very common though. It's a result of something called "trauma bonding." Trauma bonding is especially strong in any form childhood trauma and in sexual abuse of adults. It can happen without those factors as well. It's a little like Stockholm Syndrome, just more pervasive and harder to recognize.

I keep telling myself this will go away but I actually get what I'm afraid to admit is a "loving" (?) feeling when I find myself thinking about him, which in turn makes me feel that I'm so defective that I only deserve to be with guys like him.

Absolutely nothing defective with you. This is part of the legacy and harm of trauma, not because of you. When people are surviving trauma, part of the brain attaches to the person as a way to emotionally survive the trauma. You did survive it and that is a good thing.

It's hard when the trauma bonding sticks after the trauma, and it can be very hard to break. In fact, studies have shown that women who are not abused with their boyfriends, but who do break up and return to the relationship, will get back with them on average 1-2 times. Women who are abused will return on average 7 times. That's the power of trauma bonding. People who are not traumatized can actually usually walk away much more easily.

Trauma bonding is very confusing because it feels like real bonding, sometimes feels even more powerful. Thinking you are defective and/or need to return to the abuser - this is a trauma bonded thought, this is an internalized message from your abuser.

The first step in breaking it is to recognize it for what it is, reach out for support, and build up good healthy relationships. The more connected people are to other relationships, the less powerful the pull of the abuser. It's like the brain is less starved for connection. Work on grounding as much as possible, even if you don't feel bad in other ways. Trauma therapy can help significantly to resolve the underlying trauma and that will help reduce/eliminate the trauma bonding.

 

[Lotis]

I'd go farther than you and use "shame" instead

YES YES YES - definitely shame - oh I have a list of many more - I wrote the first few that came to mind. I am glad what I said resonates with you. Keep working through it and remember you are not defective ;)

L

 

[LanaD]

I have been through this a few times, and it is confusing to experience!

A desire to go back to a...

Thank you! You know, I was thinking of Stockholm Syndrome but it seemed a bit dramatic ha!

What you bring up is astounding: "Women who are abused will return on average 7 times. That's the power of trauma bonding." Your posting and Lotis's made me realize/remember that the man would be very nice to me in some ways: he cooked for me... before slapping me in the face; he bought me drinks... before groping me; he gave me many compliments... before criticizing my body.

I'm going to guess that after the rejection my mind is looking for connection and maybe is remembering the nice things. I'll see what my therapist has to say about that.

Thanks again!

 

[LanaD]

YES YES YES - definitely shame - oh I have a list of many more - I wrote the first few that came to mind....

Btw, if you haven't yet, check out Brene Brown's work, which is helping me a lot. She does a whole talk about shame and says something that blew my mind: "Guilt: 'I'm sorry, I made a mistake.' Shame: 'I'm sorry, I am a mistake.'" My account can't post links but search for "Listening to Shame."

That's probably why I (we?) feel defective, a "mistake." So no, I am not a mistake, I am not defective, and my dream does not mean I like abuse.

You guys, your support is immensely appreciated. Unfortunately I don't have anyone there for me at the moment (not friend or family) so you've no idea how grateful I am for your kindness. Virtual hugs to you all!

 

[LilSam]

Hi all,

"Warped" is the word that comes to mind. Very recently the guy I was dating dropped off the face...

I know this is probably nothing like what I had with my abusive ex, but I did actually try getting back in contact with her after all that happened and she just blocked me out, saying things like I was the worst person she ever met, that she didn't ever like me, Etc. I keep getting nightmares where I wake up feeling a sort of emptiness she could fit, but the wish to reconnect isn't mutual and I've started to learn not to bother. Don't know if this helps whatsoever :/

 

[LanaD]

I know this is probably nothing like what I had with my abusive ex, but I did actually try getting back...

Thanks for the comment but your situation seems drastically different from mine. What I've come to understand is that I was going through a period where I felt like the only person who could like me was my attacker because I was feeling like shit because of the assault. Thanks to comments here and introspection, I got out of that place real darn quick, and the only way I see myself getting near the SOB is in court.