Losing It Quietly

[BigFootsPrincess]

I'm not doing so hot-- it's hard for me to admit to the people I love, because they've seen me in so much pain already... it's nice to not be looked at like I might implode at any moment. It's nice to have my loved ones' confidence again, after a string of dramatic incidents from assaults to overdoses... nice to not bring the drama.

But things are hard. I can't sleep, been feeling physically ill, and obsessing over details and flashes of experiences that haunt me. The basement, tied up, spread wide, the pain, blindfolded, the smells and all their urgencies, their voices, whispers, reeking, burning, chemical haze... I'm engulfed by it. More memories- Resting on a knee, calloused hands adjusting the skirts of my dress. More memories- pressed down atop the bottom bunk, the walls, his body, and me- becoming magician. Me- a disappearing girl. I'm going mad... how can I call any one of my friends and say:

I need to talk to you ? I mean, really, do I?
Or, I could really use a friend.
I need help... I've been doing so well, but I'm slipping. Then What?
I think I'm under too much stress... I haven't been holding up well. What's that even supposed to mean?

Will you please let me tell you how afraid and sad I've been... and will you please tell me you still love me after, that you don't think I'm the worst thing alive? I get stupid about friendship when I get depressed- I somehow forget it can be directed at me.

 

[Opef]

I'm not doing so hot-- it's hard for me to admit to the people I love, because they've seen me in so much pai...

Wow, that is sooo so descriptive of what it is like when you slip and really can't engage those who really want to. This happens to me a lot. Last time it almost killed me literally because I almost ended my life. I am glad I did not.
They say, "Talk to us! We care about you!" And they DO mean it! They really do.
But then, if you get into the real meat, they have a text that HAS to be sent. They have a file that HAS to be downloaded. They have a meeting they MUST attend.

If per chance they do have time, it is only a matter of time until they think they have it figured out, HOW you feel. But they can't feel it. Then you are on the downward spiral. "But they are so close! THey want to help! I want them to feel this!" But you cry and and feel it and they are strangely off to get coffee with their spouse and YOU are left like WTF?

This last time was the LAST time for me. I stopped talking to anyone but family now. I am learning ASL (sign language) and tell people. "I am sorry. I cannot talk now" Which is actually true because I was in a wreck and it hurts to talk . At any rate, never again!

 

[Rumasaw]

I'm not doing so hot-- it's hard for me to admit to the people I love, because they've seen me in so much pai...

WHy do they say I am annony?

Wow, that is sooo so descriptive of what it is like when you slip and really can't engage those who really want to. This happens to me a lot. Last time it almost killed me literally because I almost ended my life. I am glad I did not.
They say, "Talk to us! We care about you!" And they DO mean it! They really do.
But then, if you get into the real meat, they have a text that HAS to be sent. They have a file that HAS to be downloaded. They have a meeting they MUST attend.

If per chance they do have time, it is only a matter of time until they think they have it figured out, HOW you feel. But they can't feel it. Then you are on the downward spiral. "But they are so close! THey want to help! I want them to feel this!" But you cry and and feel it and they are strangely off to get coffee with their spouse and YOU are left like WTF?

This last time was the LAST time for me. I stopped talking to anyone but family now. I am learning ASL (sign language) and tell people. "I am sorry. I cannot talk now" Which is actually true because I was in a wreck and it hurts to talk . At any rate, never again!

 

[Soguke]

I do not share with my family and I don't have any real friends I'd trust with this... I can't even talk to a therapist again, yet...but I am hoping with some time here I will be able to at some point...

Do you have a therapist you can talk to? Or if not, this forum serves that purpose very well....so far all I've found here is support and understanding, we're here if you want to vent, discuss, rant, rage... cry...whatever...

 

[Vefow]

WHy do they say I am annony?

Because the thread poster has chosen to post this in the anonymous forum.

 

[BigFootsPrincess]

I do not share with my family and I don't have any real friends I'd trust with this... I can't even talk to a therapist again, yet...but I am hoping with some time here I will be able to at some point...

Do you have a therapist you can talk to? Or if not, this forum serves that purpose very well....so far all I've found here is support and understanding, we're here if you want to vent, discuss, rant, rage... cry...whatever...

No therapist, and afraid to talk to my family. But it definitely does help to be able to say things here.
Thanks : )

 

[Idobu]

If you accept I just want to give you a warm good hug and tell you to hang in there. I know it sounds stupid, but such intrusve memories do disappear as time goes by. All though it might be years. Unfortunately most people dont understand how it is to be a survivor after such terrible violations. Your not the worst thing alive and its your fault. You seem bravo and strong and ouragous.

 

[Eta]

I have no family at all. To be clear.....the mother is an abuser....the so-called son to be 24 tomorrow used me and ditched me from his life because he believes in worshiping Satan.....that's fine....I am better off....the sister who can't believe there was child abuse because she was a female, despite the fact that our brother took a shotgun to himself 4 and 1/2 years ago. I have one friend from a previous job that I keep in contact with. I know what it is to be close to slipping from reality, but I reign myself in. Because I fear if I do become totally disconnected, I may never be able to reconnect again. I don't want to be a ward of the state forever, I want to be a productive citizen. This is what keeps me going. I have the same pain and bewilderment every day of my life. It is getting better. I have to keep going, because if I stop, I may never get restarted again. All I can say is, "It hurts like hell, literally."

 

[Orow]

Because the thread poster has chosen to post this in the anonymous forum.

Except her real name is showing up on the forum page as the original poster.

 

[BigFootsPrincess]

If you accept I just want to give you a warm good hug and tell you to hang in there. I know it sounds stupid, but such i...

Thanks :) I appreciate it.
This is my first significant PTSD relapse sense getting sober... I'm stronger, but it's just hard. Life is hard for everyone though, I think.

 

[Ovim]

Except her real name is showing up on the forum page as the original poster.

According to search that username of the OP isn't used on the site. The OP chose that username when she started this thread. All is anonymous here unless you choose to out yourself by using your real name.

 

[BigFootsPrincess]

I picked this name because I liked it... the site didn't accidentally include my username- no worries :)