Relationship Help. My Partner Has Ptsd And Thinks I'm Attacking Her All The Time

[Litha]

Hi. I've been lurking and gaining a lot from reading these posts because I'm suffering alongside my partner who is suffering with PTSD. It finally occurred to me that I could ask for help. Duh.

We've been together for a year and a half, friends for 3 years. She was physically abused and emotionally manipulated by an alcoholic parent throughout high school. She hasn't told me the details, only alluded to being close to death on a few occasions and that the abuse happened daily. Because she is so competent and successful, I think I forget that this happened to her.

Every now and then, I let it sink in... the person I love has nearly died at the hands of a parent. It makes me weep uncontrollably for her suffering and pain.

But I need help with our relationship. She goes to therapy every week and takes medication and has ever since she left home. I have had my own history with depression so I take meds and go to therapy as well. When we are happy, we are such a good, loving match.

The struggle is this: She is so so sensitive. She sometimes gets very upset by things that I say, things that I am saying completely innocently or with no intention to harm her whatsoever. Then she won't talk to me for a couple days. She has explained that it's not to punish me, it's just that she needs to relax her nervous system. Ok, so I've gotten better at giving her space and not panicking about it.

But when she is thinking that I'm mean or attacking her... it just rips me to shreds. And I get frustrated (which she perceives as angry, so it freaks her out). Like, how could you think that what I just said was mean or attacking? It makes me feel like I'm some abusive person or something and I'm not.

This latest episode-- I wanted to ask her about why she didn't tell me about something, because I wanted to encourage her to tell me about it, that it was ok, I wouldn't be bothered -- and she flipped out and said I was accusing her, attacking her and she didn't tell me because it's her business. When I tried to explain that I wasn't attacking her at all, she couldn't register it. Just could not believe that her perception of me and what I was saying was skewed.

When I assert my opinion, she says I'm "yelling." Omg, if you met me, you wouldn't ever describe me as a yeller or rough or mean. I am so gentle. She also has traits of being an empath and an HSP (Highly-Sensitive Person: Hates crowds, smells and sounds are very strong to her), so it occurred to me, wow, maybe to her nervous system, it really does feel like I'm yelling.

It makes me really upset because in the past I have apologized for things just to smooth things over. This time-- well, I am having a really hard time apologizing. I don't want to apologize. I didn't do anything wrong. She's the one who has misunderstood my words and I feel like I have to have enough self-respect to say no, I'm not taking the blame for this one.

It's finally starting to hit me-- this is her PTSD talking. I'm in a relationship with her and her PTSD. Perhaps her perceptions are skewed and she can't help it. Perhaps this is what her brain just does. If her non-PTSD self weren't the most kind and selfless and loving person I've ever met, I'd be long gone.

I just don't know what to do being made to feel like I'm some awful abusive person who says mean things. It's taking a toll on me and my self-esteem.

She doesn't want to go to some random couples therapist because she is afraid they will ask her to talk about the abuse.

I don't want to break up with her. The thought of leaving this beautiful soul who has suffered so much and come so far is unfathomable to me.

Does this sound familiar to any of you? What did you do to make the situation better? Thanks.

 

[ah888]

i have the same situation but i chose to give our relationship a break, maybe you need to have time for yourself, give your brain and emotions a break

 

[hodge]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, Litha. I think my husband could have written your post years ago before I realized I needed help and got into therapy. If I hadn't, we wouldn't be happily married now.

It's a hard truth, but it really is up to us with PTSD to sort our issues out at least enough to have a good relationship with our loved ones. I pray your partner can do that, especially because you sound like such an incredibly supportive person (I'm also an HSP), and you deserve the best.

I don't know the particulars with your partner, but for me, I had to create serious boundaries with my mother, who constantly tried to undermine my relationship with my husband. I went to therapy and sometimes he went, too. I was blessed to finally get to where I could break free of her bullsh*t. Within a year we got married, and we've been very happy together ever since (14 years now), in spite of my PTSD.

Sending you hugs and prayers if that's okay.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't think you should accept blame for what is not your fault. Is there a way to improve your communication (on a day-to-day basis)? Try to agree together in advance with say, code words, that mean things are getting misinterpreted, or one/ both people are getting overwhelmed (not personal)?

Or, when are you happy together, as you call it? Is it when stress is too much that you are not? Mybe those times you have to address the stress first.

Cross posted with hodge, she has good advice.

Best wishes to you both.

 

[watundah]

A little bit familiar. My spouse can be very defensive when my words are completely harmless. And it can make me nuts because like you, I am not yelling, but I may have emotion in my voice because traffic is bad or I burned toast or whatever. The littlest thing can become an "issue". Her T suggested that the defensiveness is a result of being constantly criticized by her family of origin. So even if that's not what we mean, it's what they hear.

 

[StarChild]

I wanted to ask her about why she didn't tell me about something, because I wanted to encourage her to tell me about it, that it was ok, I wouldn't be bothered

Welcome @Litha, would it be possible for you, to explain this incident a bit further? The way you describe it, makes me feel, that it wasn't the first time you tried to ask her about that specific topic?

 

[Seasounds]

I have been in a relationship with a dynamic like the one you describe. Sorry it is so hard.

In such cases, mine included, no one is right, or wrong. Both people are doing their best, yet there is misunderstanding, pain, and anger.

You and your sufferer may find it helpful to take one or two classes in N.V.C.,otherwise known as Non-Violent Communication. You can Google it for practitioners/teachers in your area. Maybe there are some books or workbooks.

This system does a very good job of helping people find common ground of communication while working with their different histories, styles, sensitivities, and meanings, that are behind their words. It helped me, and my supporter.

 

[BradyLady]

I'm in the same position. My husband and I both have PTSD. Sometimes I simply cannot express an emotion. Especially if I'm speaking up about something that bothers me, he feels attacked. He'll turtle up on me, close off completely into his shell which frustrates me because if we can't talk about a conflict, how can we solve it?

You mention that you're both in therapy. Have you gone together as a couple? I think that's whats needed in our case, and probably yours too.

 

[BlueOrange]

it occurred to me, wow, maybe to her nervous system, it really does feel like I'm yelling.

You're right. You're responsible for your behaviour. She is responsible for the way she interprets your behaviour.

I just don't know what to do being made to feel like I'm some awful abusive person who says mean things.

Who makes you feel this way? Who is responsible for your interpretation of her behaviour?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I get it... I call it being the designated asshole. As in there are times when I'm just the designated asshole in the relationship. I can't say anything right. He mind reads and thinks he sees hidden meaning and intentions. He feels attacked, things are my fault, I'm secretly batshit crazy. You get the jist.

It's enough of a pattern where I know it's the PTSD. Self preservation maybe, or trust issues? I see a lot of it on posts here too, so I know it's not just him doing it.

It's frustrating. I pick my battles though. I know I'm not a crazy, mean person. I know what I said didn't have a hidden agenda.

 

[Seasounds]

Non-violent communication, can help neutralize the victim and designated asshole/abuser scenario, and related feelings. They help each member of the couple to learn how to deflect 'negative labels' that they give themselves, or give each other.

Sometimes PTSD suffers don't know how to 'not be defensive', when they are locked into the pattern of perceiving 'bad' intentions. This can cause the sufferer to take distance until their trigger response clears..

It is always a risk to see a new therapist, From my experience an intro NVC class, followed with a 'private couple' NVC session is good idea. I would bet that you would find more neutrality in NVC counselor than with a traditional therapist, (I believe they have more training in this area.) If not, speak up.

Both partners need to be willing to change, get new info.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sometimes there is nothing you can do to avoid it. There is no hostile language or tone. It just happens.

An example... I was ripped a new one for not watching his Netflix recommendation. He took it to mean I don't listen to him or value his opinion. Here was our conversation following that.

Me: I was planning to watch it, but I just haven't gotten around to it...

Him: Now you're just bullshitting and making excuses. Why make excuses? What's wrong with you that you just can't own up to not wanting to watch it?

Me: Look, I'm sorry you're so upset, but I value your opinion and I usually enjoy the stuff you recommend. I'm not lying, I've been busy.

Him: You are getting defensive and I hate that... Don't placate me like an idiot.

Me: *involuntary WTF eyebrows*

Him: You don't have to catch an attitude with me.... Im not the crazy one here.

At that point I said I was done with the conversation because it was going nowhere fast. To him I was manipulative and selfish for that.

It took more than 24 hours for him to settle down after that. There was nothing I could have done to avoid it. He was gunning for me, and all I could do was refuse to engage. He doesn't typically act like that, so I know it's not just him sucking as a human being. It's a stress reaction that sucks, and that he needs to work on.