hockeygrl17
Bronze Member
All I know is that I cant take it anymore. Its not that I don't want to, its that I literally can't physically, emotionally, and mentally take it anymore. I have gone 30 years (my current age) without having a single need truly met (other than from myself, and my own efforts). My family treated me as a ghost, a verbal punching bag, and an outlet they could place their own faults onto. Every relationship outside of that has been the same (even the few friendships I attempted), but included even more betrayal, emotional blackmail, manipulation, verbal, physical, and sexual, abuse. All before age 23. This brief description doesn't include the self mutilation (starting at age 3), suicidal ideation (starting at age 5), countless suicide attempts, familial abandonment, multiple sexual assaults, countless therapists that lied to make a buck off my families lies about me (from age 3 to age 20), and anything else I might have blocked out. After my last attempt (my final suicide attempt) in 2009, I woke up and decided to change. I absolutely, without a doubt, should have died. I spent over a month in the ICU. When I got out through rehab, over a hundred-thousand dollars of medical debt (that my family left me with), through the weeks of a mandatory psych ward, I made a decision. I decided to allow myself a better life regardless of anyone, or any situation, or circumstance I was under, or would endure in the future. I started over, I processed, I healed as much as I could (and I am obviously still healing), but the point is that I made a choice to live on my terms, and to finally get my needs met, no matter what it took. I quit dating for over a year, I continued to live alone, and I conquered all the pain and fears that ensued while still being completely, emotionally, and physically alone. I have never really had true support, because that would require that I completely trust, which I am still learning how to do. After all of this, I chose to let someone in, and thats when I re-met a friend that I had gone to elementary school with (5th- 8th grade). He was that “good guy” that every woman had dismissed because they were too stupid to realize the gold mine that he was. I had seen enough in my life to see him for this, for who he really was (or could be, the man I am still waiting on, the man he has always had the potential to be). That was until my Complex PTSD took over without me really realizing it. I hadn't been properly diagnosed at this time (this was late 2011, I was 25, I think). We immediately bonded, to what I now know is only trauma-based bonding. We became inseparable almost immediately, but again, I was not yet aware of our co-dependent, baseless, “relationship”, all I knew at the time is that I needed safe, above anything else. I think I thought that I could love myself enough, and take care of my own needs like I always had, so as long as I was safe, and able to take care of myself, that, that would be enough. So I convinced (myself), and him that we should get married, ignoring that all we were was a toxic escape from our toxic lives, and our toxic families that caused all of it in the first place. We mostly only ever fought, and that is still the case.
He had a similar familial situation and upbringing in that of trauma, although different causes, the outcome was the same for both of us. From his extremely narcissistic father, to his enabling, spineless, mother, both of who are also alcoholics (to which they would never admit), to, a drug addict little brother (from the age of 11- who is presently going to prison for 10+ years, because the DA his parents tried to pay off saw right through it all), to their ever-present abuse towards me that he still has never tried to protect me from. But money, that was the other issue, the constant access to anything because of the endless cash-flow to make all of these issues hide away from everyone (especially themselves), as if it was not the cause of every single problem. Aside from all of that, they were also controlling, helicopter parents, that were literally always around him, every school, every job. His dad even worked at his high school as a coach at one point, while his mom enabled this by fulfilling her own boredom by being “mom of the year” every year from middle school room mom, to PTA, to every possible fundraising school function there was. Needless to say, the physical, and worse, the verbal and emotional abuse that ensued because he was bullied and controlled at home and everywhere else (from early childhood, elementary school, through even now), this caused the same outcome in him as it did for me, even if my experiences were much worse, and much more intense. Trauma is trauma.
After years of our families abuse, I realized about a year after we married that we needed to set the biggest boundary we could because he wasn't ever going to, and that was to move out of state. So we did. from Texas to Colorado. It has been a year and 1 month since we moved, 6 years since we re-met (and started a “relationship”), 5 years since I first realized that he and I were broken, and would never work unless he chose to heal and “check in” like I had years before. Six Years, and I am still waiting. He is a compulsive liar, and has been since day one. He is sexually uninterested, and he knows nothing of love, healthy daily living, none the less healthy relationships, including boundaries, or how to generally function in life without me, or his parents directing him on every little thing. I didn't see any of this because I was so focused on basic safety, and I was blinded by believing in what our potential could be, that I didn't see what it was doing to me. I see now that I am more his mom and counselor than I have ever been his significant other, much less his best friend, and wife. He lives in such an altered reality that is excuse-based, to cope with his past, and ongoing trauma. He is so paralyzed by it all (the fear), that he refuses to move, to change, to heal, to move forward in any way, shape, or form, so that not only he and I can be together, but more importantly, he can live a joy-filled, honest, boundary-oriented, loving, and fulfilling life (Wether he chooses to be with me or not). Just like I exhausted every avenue, even self-deprecating actions, to get even an ounce of action towards any kind of change or movement in my life before him, I have found myself once again trying to escape so that I can survive, much less thrive, like I have always deserved, but have not yet been able to.
I have been trying since childhood to get even my most basic needs met, I have exhausted every avenue, and I am now 30, in a marriage that is causing a similar entrapment-like trauma all over again. I have anywhere from 1- 5 anxiety attacks a week, sometimes 2 in one day, early onset Fibromyalgia (which is absolutely debilitating most days),migraines, And, all of my other daily c-ptsd symptoms (that I am fighting to move through), and enough dissociation from it all to check out to deal with everything underneath. But, even with all that, I still make sure I continue to fight, to work my hardest to take care of myself, to be checked in, to be ever-present and mindful, and most importantly, intentional. But I admit, I am pretty sure the decisions I made in the past to feel safe (this relationship), has majorly backfired. I am a fighter, and I am strong, but I am at my breaking point. I tried separation from him (from last August (2015), to this past June), I even tried dating other men, because I thought I deserved to be loved. Needless to say, It was just a run of yet more abusive men, each of which I had to break up with. I then agreed to move back in together towards the end of June, and to no surprise, he still is not choosing to check in enough to be able to function and heal towards a better life for himself, or for us. All while continue to promise (clearly lying to himself, and to me) daily that he is “trying”, and of course, just like there has never been, there is not an ounce of action to back any of it up, because he still isn't even checked in enough to think and process being intentional about what he is “trying” to do, none the less, any direction of what he is “trying” towards. I have been so patient, understanding, supportive, compassionate, encouraging, as well as the opposite of all of these, but of course, nothing has worked, because its nothing that I can choose for him. I still have no family support, and I have no friends for support (just like always). He is constantly enraged, and I get it. If anyone gets it, its me. I don't want to give up on him, and to be completely transparent here, he is all I “have” anyway, as I am for him. My Fibromyalgia also makes living alone extremely difficult, if not impossible sometimes. We started a marriage repair group at a church two weeks ago, but I am so, almost uncontrollably angry, which sets everything other challenge on my plate in motion, that I am afraid it is too late for he and I, and that If I don't do something now, that it could be too late for me too. That this fantasy of a man he has yet to choose to be, and the relationship that requires that man, doesn’t, and never did exist? So I am at a loss. Regardless of what he chooses, or even what I choose, I will still feel abandoned, and so it triggers everything, every hour, of every day. I have considered so many times, just calling it a loss and trying to move on, but I just don't think I can. How am I ever to get my needs met? How am I able to keep living a life in which I get nothing from anyone that isn't furthering trauma? How can I ever escape? I can only handle so much. I am only human.
He had a similar familial situation and upbringing in that of trauma, although different causes, the outcome was the same for both of us. From his extremely narcissistic father, to his enabling, spineless, mother, both of who are also alcoholics (to which they would never admit), to, a drug addict little brother (from the age of 11- who is presently going to prison for 10+ years, because the DA his parents tried to pay off saw right through it all), to their ever-present abuse towards me that he still has never tried to protect me from. But money, that was the other issue, the constant access to anything because of the endless cash-flow to make all of these issues hide away from everyone (especially themselves), as if it was not the cause of every single problem. Aside from all of that, they were also controlling, helicopter parents, that were literally always around him, every school, every job. His dad even worked at his high school as a coach at one point, while his mom enabled this by fulfilling her own boredom by being “mom of the year” every year from middle school room mom, to PTA, to every possible fundraising school function there was. Needless to say, the physical, and worse, the verbal and emotional abuse that ensued because he was bullied and controlled at home and everywhere else (from early childhood, elementary school, through even now), this caused the same outcome in him as it did for me, even if my experiences were much worse, and much more intense. Trauma is trauma.
After years of our families abuse, I realized about a year after we married that we needed to set the biggest boundary we could because he wasn't ever going to, and that was to move out of state. So we did. from Texas to Colorado. It has been a year and 1 month since we moved, 6 years since we re-met (and started a “relationship”), 5 years since I first realized that he and I were broken, and would never work unless he chose to heal and “check in” like I had years before. Six Years, and I am still waiting. He is a compulsive liar, and has been since day one. He is sexually uninterested, and he knows nothing of love, healthy daily living, none the less healthy relationships, including boundaries, or how to generally function in life without me, or his parents directing him on every little thing. I didn't see any of this because I was so focused on basic safety, and I was blinded by believing in what our potential could be, that I didn't see what it was doing to me. I see now that I am more his mom and counselor than I have ever been his significant other, much less his best friend, and wife. He lives in such an altered reality that is excuse-based, to cope with his past, and ongoing trauma. He is so paralyzed by it all (the fear), that he refuses to move, to change, to heal, to move forward in any way, shape, or form, so that not only he and I can be together, but more importantly, he can live a joy-filled, honest, boundary-oriented, loving, and fulfilling life (Wether he chooses to be with me or not). Just like I exhausted every avenue, even self-deprecating actions, to get even an ounce of action towards any kind of change or movement in my life before him, I have found myself once again trying to escape so that I can survive, much less thrive, like I have always deserved, but have not yet been able to.
I have been trying since childhood to get even my most basic needs met, I have exhausted every avenue, and I am now 30, in a marriage that is causing a similar entrapment-like trauma all over again. I have anywhere from 1- 5 anxiety attacks a week, sometimes 2 in one day, early onset Fibromyalgia (which is absolutely debilitating most days),migraines, And, all of my other daily c-ptsd symptoms (that I am fighting to move through), and enough dissociation from it all to check out to deal with everything underneath. But, even with all that, I still make sure I continue to fight, to work my hardest to take care of myself, to be checked in, to be ever-present and mindful, and most importantly, intentional. But I admit, I am pretty sure the decisions I made in the past to feel safe (this relationship), has majorly backfired. I am a fighter, and I am strong, but I am at my breaking point. I tried separation from him (from last August (2015), to this past June), I even tried dating other men, because I thought I deserved to be loved. Needless to say, It was just a run of yet more abusive men, each of which I had to break up with. I then agreed to move back in together towards the end of June, and to no surprise, he still is not choosing to check in enough to be able to function and heal towards a better life for himself, or for us. All while continue to promise (clearly lying to himself, and to me) daily that he is “trying”, and of course, just like there has never been, there is not an ounce of action to back any of it up, because he still isn't even checked in enough to think and process being intentional about what he is “trying” to do, none the less, any direction of what he is “trying” towards. I have been so patient, understanding, supportive, compassionate, encouraging, as well as the opposite of all of these, but of course, nothing has worked, because its nothing that I can choose for him. I still have no family support, and I have no friends for support (just like always). He is constantly enraged, and I get it. If anyone gets it, its me. I don't want to give up on him, and to be completely transparent here, he is all I “have” anyway, as I am for him. My Fibromyalgia also makes living alone extremely difficult, if not impossible sometimes. We started a marriage repair group at a church two weeks ago, but I am so, almost uncontrollably angry, which sets everything other challenge on my plate in motion, that I am afraid it is too late for he and I, and that If I don't do something now, that it could be too late for me too. That this fantasy of a man he has yet to choose to be, and the relationship that requires that man, doesn’t, and never did exist? So I am at a loss. Regardless of what he chooses, or even what I choose, I will still feel abandoned, and so it triggers everything, every hour, of every day. I have considered so many times, just calling it a loss and trying to move on, but I just don't think I can. How am I ever to get my needs met? How am I able to keep living a life in which I get nothing from anyone that isn't furthering trauma? How can I ever escape? I can only handle so much. I am only human.
