We're trying to work it out. I was heartbroken and tried a final time to explain what went wrong and how it hurt, hurt me and our relationship.
She... seemed to understand some at least.
Then... I got depressed, feeling pathetic and like dying...so low that it took this much work to get through our therapeutic malfunctions.
I realized... I had to use my anger... my desire to never have therapy go this wrong again,
to insist on respect and structure and guidance in the way that I needed them... to not settle for these hurtful shortcomings.
I'm glad I asserted myself and made demands. I won't be disrespected or shortchanged. I deserve therapy that's thoughtful, purposeful, safe, united. Not just in some ways, some times, but consistently, methodically. Not that she'll be perfect but that she will be focused, mindful, deliberate, professional, appropriately interactive in the hardest times.
She has told me concrete actions she'll take in session to improve things- more structure, time limited, meaningful opening and closing and upon my insistence, to work on a process for wrapping up tough sessions. These are areas I've said I needed prior, some of them, and she's failed to deliver... so I'm really asking her to step up and change. And I've asked her to give less advice and be more engaging... work with me in the moment on anxiety, etc. and focus on partnering, on sharing my experience rather than directing.
I'm going to hold her accountable for this- it's just what I need and if she can't meet my needs, we need to consider parting ways, but... I'm hopeful she'll own the frame better now.
For my part, I agreed to give us two weeks to work out any difficulties before leaving therapy next time if there is one. And to try and give her a little more information when I'm having trouble settling/talking.
I've had a lot of growth over the three years I think, but... I could do better, it could be easier, and I'm at that point where I'm ready to make better a reality or figure out the next stage.
