Self-sabotage

[Kimkuf]

Why does my sufferer seem to absolutely sabotage an otherwise perfectly good relationship? I know it's not the case, but it seems to me like he almost seeks out ways to ruin things.

 

[Igep]

Can you share the kinds of things he does?

 

[Rolez]

He may very well be trying to self sabotage. That's very common among PTSD sufferers. There are myriad reasons for it .... from trying to punish oneself, to thinking you just don't deserve a good relationship, to simply not knowing what a "good" relationship is

 

[Umesu]

"Good" for you may mean "hell" for him.

Are you making demands of him that stress him out? Are you requiring constant contact? Are you not giving him space?

 

[Kimkuf]

I give him all the space he wants, and he typically needs less than I do. He just gets angry at the drop of a hat or doesn't seem to want to be engaging around me yet when other people come around he's engaging and charming, which shows me he's capable and just doesn't want to around me.

 

[Wezure]

"Good" for you may mean "hell" for him.

Are you making demands of him that stress him out? Are you requiring constant contact? Are you not giving him space?

I have learned the hard way that not giving a sufferer enough space will not only make it worse for them, but hell on the supporter as well. I didn't understand at first until I started really reading into what he was desperately trying to tell me. In his state of distress, adding any pressure or contact can be overwhelming. So I'm learning it's not about me. When he says he needs space or is irritable, let him be. Only he can decide what is too much. And I'm glad my combat vet can articulate to me when he needs to be left alone. As for him being in contact with others, it's because they are insignificant to him in a way and is coping by meaningless relationships. It's harder for him to be in contact with emotional connections. At least that's my take. Sending love.

 

[Kimkuf]

Thank you @Wezure. Makes sense and it helps to know someone else understands. Mine is a combat vet as well (sigh). Big hug.