Undiagnosed Needing A Bit Of Validation

[Hammytime]

This is my first time posting, so please excuse any errors I might make.
I strive to make this as short as possible.

I am a 25 year old female who has struggled with depression/anxiety/panic attacks since I was 11. The best fit diagnosis I have right now is Bipolar 2. I have been told by two separate therapists (one a psychiatrist) that I appear to have suffered from childhood trauma. At this time I thought they were nuts, because I had absolutely no memory of anything happening to me. The things my psychiatrist points to as indicators are:

-Panic attacks/anxiety as a young child--reoccurring nightmares
- As a young child Inserting objects into... ya know... places.
-As a child, hiding urine around the house (to this day I have no clue why)
-My insane inability to trust. Like 10 years in therapy not sharing anything personal trust issues (most of this when I was a teen/young adult).
-Complete aversion to anything sexual. I haven't been in ANY relationship in 25 years. Never been kissed, ect.
-Fear/hypervigillence around men, even if I know logically that they are safe.

This past year, I've been piecing together a picture of something that I think happened to me sexually as a young child. Here's where I need some help. I don't have a complete memory. All I have are these snippets and some very strong feelings of being dirty/bad/yucky. I am TERRIFIED that I am making this up. I don't want to be "searching" for something that didn't happen. I know that memory isn't infallible and maybe this didn't happen? Because wouldn't you remember if something happened?? At the same time, I can't ignore the feelings that go along with it. I'm in a VERY confused place right now. Can someone speak to this? Is this normal at all?? Am I just making it up??

(I finally spoke of this with my pdoc-who also does therapy-last week. It's the first time I've ever verbalized that I think that something happened to me. I felt horrendous afterwards-scared, not safe, and I cried a lot. So yes, I am addressing this professionally, but I really need some peer feedback.)

 

[Ka-9]

This is my first time posting, so please excuse any errors I might make.
I strive to make this as sh...

A warm welcome to the forum, and from the extreme spectrum of backgrounds of people here, I'm certain you'll find some useful guidance here before very long.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I too have huge memory gaps and I do not think that I will ever be able to piece things together as far as my childhood goes. I do have many traumas which I have dealt with in therapy.

I am so glad that you are getting hopefully some good help as you go through this process.

What started it for me was hearing someone speak about what a victim is with the symptoms and that is what got me into therapy and I thought I was imagining things too.

You will get as many pieces of memory that are available for you in time I think.

You are doing your best to try to learn about all of this and I am so glad you found this place because it has helped me so very much. Very proud of you for posting.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome!

False memories about abuse are rare.

The mind really has no reason to make up something so horrible.

What is never a lie? The symptoms. While symptoms don't definitely point to trauma, they do add to the narrative. It sounds like something may have indeed happened to you. :hug:

 

[Hammytime]

Thank you for the kind words everyone. Hopefully I can work through this.

 

[claroscuro]

Welcome to the forum, @Hammytime.

As @EveHarrington said, symptoms don't lie. You're feeling what you're feeling for a reason.

Fractured and repressed memories are fairly common amongst people who have experienced trauma, it's a defense mechanism and results from not being equipped to process events normally at the time.

I get that you're terrified your memories are false, and not wanting to work on something that may not be true. I felt the same when my memories started popping up and gaining meaning.

I found that memories came easier during or after therapy, without specifically searching for them. Trying to force them wasn't helpful as that was a conscious action that only seemed to increase my anxiety with very little benefit.

I hope this helped you a bit, and that you find the forum to be a supportive, compassionate and informative community.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

First, welcome to the forum! :hug:

Because wouldn't you remember if something happened??

Not necessarly, but you are right to be cautious. If you are ok with it, Id like to use myself to explain.

I went through something that one couldnt imagine Id not remember. Part of it I was "gone" during it, some of it I made myself forget right after, and the remainder i made myself forget via denial, telling myself it wasnt true etc. You tend to believe yourself then eventually the memories are gone.

So for 10 yrs I lived as if I had a normal childhood and ofher than cutting and addition, no one would be the wiser.

Towards the end of my 10 yrs, right after something familuar, I started to have flashbacks and blind rage explosions. Was forced into therapy (7 years ago) and spent a good 4 yrs with very fragmented memories and a false memory (what happened was correct but incorrectlt filled in whom did it).

It took a great deal of trauma work to start to figurw out what was real, what wasnt, what was false and what wasnt.

Today i can tell you what was on tv, if it was raining, and if it was hot or cold but it didnt start out that way. And i still cant remember last 7 or 6 yrs old (very muddy) or whom took my virginty and i may never remember and that's ok.

So i say be cautious but dont dismiss. Let it come to you are you go through therapy. Work out your feelings and current memories but dont try to force it, work it out as it comes. Let it come to you. It likely will if you are going through trauma work.

And know i relate!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

To add, false memories are not rare. For me it happened due to trying to fill in the blanks so i would advise against that and to let it come to you.

 

[Hammytime]

Thank you @lostforgottensoul I think the hard part for me is that I am very analytical with a science background. There isn't a ton of solid data on memory "repression" or retrieval. I don't know if you can say with certainty if false memories are common or not. *shrug* I'll have to ask my pdoc if she's read anything. I'm the type of gal that likes to know "for sure"! I would totally dismiss it, if it wasn't for my very strong emotions around it and the undeniable fact that I act and think like someone who as been sexually abused. Whether it was from this particular memory that is evolving, or a totally different time I don't know. Other than that, I feel very lucky to have had two dysfunctional but loving parents who have supported me all these years. My heart hurts a little when I read what some of the people here went through as children. :( Thanks to everyone for their thoughts, support!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't know if you can say with certainty if false memories are common or not.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_memory

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_memory_syndrome


If theres a syndrome dedicated to it, I dont know. It happened to me and it happened to others in here as Ive spoken to them about it. One tends to believe oneself. You can fully believe a lie. I believed my past didnt happen (would of put money on it that it wasnt true and i had made it up) and made myself forget then gained a false memory by filling in the blanks.

My point was it happens so dont fill in blanks but let them come to you.

 

[Hope69]

Sometimes its helpful to have a memory to validate and understand what you are feeling. But just having those feelings is real wherever they came from. That does not make you "crazy".
For myself, feelings/emotions are the pointers to where I need healing. And we all deserve healing.

 

[gypsywind]

It's quite a coincidence that yours is the very first post I've read after having only just joined today. My PTSD was diagnosed from a later event in my life but I also had many of the same indicators in my childhood. I took the promiscuous route instead of being turned off by sex though. I didn't start to put things together until a friend of mine pointed out that in all of my childhood photos that I am with a male, I have my hands placed over my crotch. I don't have any memories, only behavior indicators and the knowledge that I was in therapy at a young age. Though the truth is, I'm spending so much energy try to function that I don't know if I can even handle any possible details of childhood trauma. I guess I just want to say that you are not alone, no matter what your truth is, it's your truth. What you are feeling is valid. I hope you are able to find peace.