Early Termination Of Therapy: Therapist Retiring Prematurely. My Anguish.

[Deleted member 33880]

I see my therapist today after an extremely bumpy few weeks. I am going to try to talk to him about how his premature ending of my therapy is causing all sorts of problems for me. I thought I would just be honest. As it is, what is happening is that I keep going under because the constant feeling of being pushed away is hitting my trauma triggers.
I seem to talk about nothing else and we don't seem to resolve anything.
I only have an hour today so I feel I am going to have to talk fast and not go into any melt down or dissociation. It feels like therapy is ruining my life at the moment, in that I can't go on holiday or do any stuff because it keeps upsetting me so much. Of course, without therapy I am an even worse mess, so it is Catch 22.
I always have this suspicion that if I lived in some area of America I would have a really clued up therapist instead of the rather non descript one that I have.
I need therapy to end well. I need to have this ending be okay. I have severe attachment disorder so a messy painful ending is just going to undo the good that therapy has done so far. He knows this. I know this. Unfortunately he doesn't seem to have any good ideas of making me get through the ending any better. I am not at the ending phase, I still need a lot of help and support so it is bummer that he has decided to have early retirement. I hate that I don't matter enough to him for him to just stay working a little bit more.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

OH, I am so sorry to hear about this. I know, first-hand, just how painful this can be.

Do let us know how this meeting goes.

Sending warm support and best wishes your way. :)

Ben

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I always have this suspicion that if I lived in some area of America I would have a really clued up therapist instead of the rather non descript one that I have.

Really? Wrong idea about the US! It seems anyone can claim to be a "mental health counselor" (see the word "lienced" missing from the beginning?)

I had to go through 4 horrible (two acting on my come ons) to find one good one.

I hate that I don't matter enough to him for him to just stay working a little bit more.

I seriously doubt thats why he made this decision. You are telling yourself a story here and filling in blanks with mind reading distorted thinking. That distorted thinking pattern is my worse im beginning to see.

He could be retiring for numberous reasons that is understandable.

Try, if you can as i understand attachment and abandonment issues, to think of this as an understandable reason, that has nothing to do with you and this is your next chapter with another great therapist that will take you to the other side of healing.

I think, some of the bumpiness is due to how you are seeing his retiring. I get a lot of that isnt conscience but try to consciencly see it differently as much as you can and i think it may help.

:hug:s

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I seriously doubt thats why he made this decision. You are telling yourself a story here and filling in blanks with mind reading distorted thinking. That distorted thinking pattern is my worse im beginning to see. He could be retiring for numberous reasons that is understandable.

Oh, such good points!

We clients become, understandably, highly attached to our therapists, and do tend to take it personally when they need to retire. I agree with Lost that we (me too) need to step back and recognize that, most likely, the retirement is for a good purpose that has entirely nothing to do with us. In other words, your therapist's retirement has nothing to do with how much he values you.

Excellent point, thank you, Lost.

Ben

 

[Suzetig]

It sounds like this therapist has done some good work with you - am I right in thinking the "rather non-description" part is more about him deciding to retire than the work he's actually done? I'm just thinking that if he was that non-descript it might be easier to end?

It's horrible that you're not ready yet, how much longer do you have before he retires? I very much doubt his decision to retire is anything to do with you not being worth working for and probably much more to do with stuff in his own life or a desire to take it more slowly. Life as a therapist in the NHS is hard and he may just want to stop work before he burns out.

I do hear how hard this is for you, I wonder if your therapist knows that you think he's leaving because of you? That might be good stuff to work on and may give you a different experience of endings.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I wonder if your therapist knows that you think he's leaving because of you? That might be good stuff to work on and may give you a different experience of endings.

Yes, I, too, hope you will bring this topic up in your session.

Ben

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I wonder if your therapist knows that you think he's leaving because of you? That might be good stuff to work on and may give you a different experience of endings.

Agreed 100% It may be a bit hard to bring up but is so important that id advise to start working around this next session. Most especially with attachment issues.

I agree that its very important to have a good ending here and so this is likely the best area.

And maybe he can advise you why. Being burnt out is common and my therapist had to seek therapy himself at one point where he was having bad anxiety around his mother's death. Hearing trauma stories all day made it worse. Not that he doesnt care, he cares, just anxiety is anxiety. So thats very possible.

 

[Friday]

I always have this suspicion that if I lived in some area of America I would have a really clued up therapist instead of the rather non descript one that I have.

One of the things I like about living in the UK is that all y'all DO have the American Healthcare System over there. AKA Private. Private Hospitals, Private Therapists, etc. But what's super awesome fantastic is that generally cost about half or less of what we pay here. You also have the NHS & various schemes. So if you're pining for America? No worries. Just start looking up your local private practitioners. :)

 

[GWhizz]

I agree that it's next to impossible to find a trauma specific T in the UK or Ireland, private or not. My T only said this recently, if she knew of anyone specific she'd refer me straight on but there is no one.

It seems like your T isn't meeting your attachment needs for whatever reason. Maybe it is best that it's coming to an end, even if it doesn't seem like that right now. You can be more particular about who you choose to move forward with now.

I would try focusing on serious consideration of how you wish to progress onwards, not so much on the ending of this relationship. You can't force him to step up, that's his professional issue, not your personal fault.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Expanding on what @Friday said I've looked into private trauma therapist and it is readonably priced. I'm in a rather small city and have found a good few who offer even lower rates for people on low incomes and even lower for people on benefits. My T atm is through a mental health charity and costs me nothing.

It's hard I know but there are always options. Even if a mental health charity can't offer free sessions in your area there are some excellent MH charities in the uk. They may be able to support you in some way.

 

[Suzetig]

You can't force him to step up, that's his professional issue, not your personal fault.

I'm not sure that someone making the choice to retire could be viewed as "not stepping up" in fairness, it's his job and we all make career decisions based on our circumstances at the time. Processing the ending was always going to be difficult and if @Kaluki doesn't know what they need, the therapist will be taking a stab in the dark too.

There are some very good private therapists working with trauma but the thing that is certain is that all therapy is time limited, in that it will end at some point, hopefully when we're ready but there's no way a therapist can guarantee that.

 

[GWhizz]

I'm not sure that someone making the choice to retire could be viewed as "not stepping up" in fairness,...

I meant stepping up to help it be as painless a goodbye as possible, empowering the client to move forward. I believe any half decent T should be capable of this. If not, they should have recognised that attachment issues were beyond their scope and referred the client onward before now. It's not up to a client with attachment issues to know exactly how to deal with relationship conclusions if they have no prior healthy examples. Therapy, for me, is all about creating that safe environment that you never had before. It's a basis upon which to build real and healthy relationships. I have been quite disruptive in my own therapy at times. If my T hadn't recognised this as part of my attachment and emotional regulation issues, I would have successfully quit prematurely a long time ago and put it down to another failed relationship wherein I just can't risk trusting another. Just my 2 cents.