Early Termination Of Therapy: Therapist Retiring Prematurely. My Anguish.

[Suzetig]

He probably doesn't get enough supervision and his supervisor if he can get hold of her (NHS cuts under this present government, - don't get me going on a rant here) she often is very strict and tight and probably disapproves of most that he does with me. I

If he's working ethically his supervision will be with someone outside of the NHS, who has no management responsibility for him. Most therapists pay someone privately for clinical supervision and their employer reimburses the cost - it's not supervision in the way you might understand it in a job in that it's not the supervisors job to tell the therapist how to work with the client, they are there to make sure the therapist stays healthy in their work, to help avoid them burning out and to help them practice ethically by not taking their own issues into your therapy.

I do think @joeylittle has given you a really good model for getting back on track, by trying to work with the schedule and not getting caught up in how hard it might be for your therapist. And, if you need to get angry or upset then do that - if it's too much for your therapist he needs to deal with that and as an adult professional he can and should be able to take care of himself in whatever way he needs.

In terms of finding a new therapist, if you're in a position to go privately it would be worth thinking about.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

thanks Suzetig. He only has the NHs supervisor that he was given. Strangely. He once mentioned that he didn't get to choose her.
I have an appointment with a private therapist whom I have good feelings/hunch about - Sept 16th. Exactly a month's time. (she is away on holidays I think - note to self, this new therapist takes LONG breaks - be warned.)
I will re read again Joey's comments. Thank you for your help.
ah, Joey said "
You might want to collaborate with him on a series of topics for the remaining sessions - things/topics that you want to finish up or close out or just have a last conversation about. It's generally not possible to do all that in one session, and so, making an agenda can really help." which is what I really must focus on. As most of you will know though, I quite often don't know what is about to come up, which trauma pops up - so I guess I could list 'go through all of the traumas again to see if any are bothering me' whereas two are bothering me, no three - at the moment, so they will take priority.
I also asked him as I was walking down the stairs at the end of the session 'please help me get myself back to work as that will really help me when you go'.
that is important.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I really liked this: (thanks Suzetig

"I also think sometimes it's for the T to provide a space for the pain and rage and chaos we can feel when people leave us or let us down. Being there, holding a space and hearing all those feelings is valid ending work - I guess it's hard because it's a hard process but I don't think client in pain necessarily equates to ineffective therapist. Sometimes it does, but not always."
I have had to do a lot of raging. I never had a chance to rage - all that rage that built up over all the years of my life and I was repeatedly brutally abandoned as a kid. So he gets a lot of it. No wonder he is finding it hard. Well, I mean, I have severe attachement disorder from severe early years trauma, abuse, neglect and abandonment, - did he think I would just go 'oh you are walking away from me whilst I am still needing you and grew to trust you, that is absolutely wonderful.'
duh. Silly man.
I

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

What a very caring T you have! I can't even imagine how a person, especially a good therapist, could NOT deeply care for their clients!

I know my therapist cares deeply about his work, and without him saying so, I know he dreads retirement! (I dread the day he tells me.)

It can't be easy AT ALL for him to leave you, and his other clients, but it sounds like he needs to cut WAY back for his own health.

My father was a minister, and I had a physical therapist tell me one time that many pastors end up with heart problems. They have to go through cardio conditioning once their underlying problem is fixed.

I suspect (just a guess on my part) that psychologists possibly have health issues that relate to their work. How difficult it would be to "leave your work at work" when the day ends.

I know one of the responses here mentioned that it would be good to list what you would like to "get through" before he goes. That is an excellent idea.

It's true, that he shouldn't cry with a client, but he does sound like a very exceptional T. That probably makes it even MORE difficult for him to leave.

You said that you have severe attachment disorder, which I have also dealt with. I hope that you will be able to accept, over the next few months, accept that his leaving is inevitable, and that rarely does anyone give as much notice as he has given. You have time to be looking for another therapist, and you never know, they might have other coping skills to offer.

Blessings to you!

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I had a terrible time with my first therapist.

We were very close, even to the point of emailing each other good night. He told me once that if he weren't so close to retirement, he might have adopted me.

So, what was so terrible? Breaking up. We came to a therapeutic impasse, and I had to find a different therapist. It was painful for both of us.

But, life went on. And, even though my first therapist and I did some really good work together, I actually went on to do more advanced work with my new therapist - this time, not falling for the transference/counter transference - and then finally on to doing excellent work on my own.

I still love Stewart, my first therapist, even though we've been out of contact for some thirteen years. He was like a father to me. I will never forget him.

It was painful, the departure, but it turned out to be part of the healing process.

Ben

 

[Deleted member 33880]

Thank you Buckaroo and Angel for your comments.
I do think he is an exceptional therapist. I also think I am a very challenging client, = too much trauma, too much dissociation, too much splitting, too much pain really. So the fact he has hung on in there is good. Mind you, he is not a counsellor - he is a clinical psychologist and so his job spec is to deal with the most extreme psychological problems. Ta Dah! That's me! :-(
But he is also, in some ways, so behind the times. It is like he is caught in a time warp or 20 years ago in the UK. I think he was trained to listen and listen adn listen with a bit of CBT. but mainly he listens and accepts and normalises and no other methods - no EMDR, no body work, no knowledge of the latest trauma ideas, no labels. ( I am sure that other therapists in the USA would have labelled me DID for sure). No labels is good in lots of ways but bad in that I have to work out what I am myself to go and read the books about it. I diagnosed me with PTSD about 15 years ago, I diagnosed me with Attachment Disorder 6 years ago. I diagnosed me with CFS/ME 15 years ago but didn't really believe my own diagnosis. A consultant last Septemeber diagnosed me with CFS/ME who said 'you have had this since 1987'. My therapist agrees with my diagnosis of PTSD and Attachment Disorder if I ask him straight out - he probably thinks I have CPTSD and I certainly have trouble with dissociation. Attachment Disorder is so strong that we don't even think to discuss whether I have it or not, it seems to run the whole dynamic.
I have digressed.
I am not finding it in any way easy knowing I have only ten months left with him. I am hoping that we shall meet up afterwards. He is sort of willing to do that but he changes his mind on things so I daren't ask for that written in blood/stone.
I don't even know if he is abandoning all his clients. He works else where so he may be keeping those. I shall ask him today. If he is keeping some, I shall naturally feel left out and abandoned even more.

I am a very big strain for anyone. I know that. I have had many therapists bail out on me just because they could not cope with the magnitude of distress I can fall into. He has made a lot of mistakes with me. He should not have allowed me to text him because eventually that became too much for him. He should not have allowed my second session of the week to become the norm as he is now finding I won't give that up. I need it. He admits that he stretched himself each time because he felt I needed it then as time went by found that he hadn't the resources in himself to keep it going.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

d. Mind you, he is not a counsellor - he is a clinical psychologist and so his job spec is to deal with the most extreme psychological problems.

If it helps, clinical psychologists are trained to work with everyone. They do, however, have a skill set superior to masters level therapists, and command the requisite higher salary as a result, which is why your national health system gives those with more severe difficulties priority access to them.

But he is also, in some ways, so behind the times. It is like he is caught in a time warp or 20 years ago in the UK. I think he was trained to listen and listen adn listen with a bit of CBT. but mainly he listens and accepts and normalises and no other methods - no EMDR, no body work, no knowledge of the latest trauma ideas, no labels.

His chosen therapy paradigm is intended to provide structure, support, compassionate listening, guidance and such, but it is not a quick fix. He worked slowly, with you in particular, I would imagine, to allow you to feel safe and attach to him. I note he also structured the therapy to empower you. It takes a lot of patience and care to practice in this manner.

. I am hoping that we shall meet up afterwards. He is sort of willing to do that but he changes his mind on things so I daren't ask for that written in blood/stone.

Oh, from past experience I do not suggest you push him for this. It is difficult to segue from a therapeutic relationship to a peer relationship.

I don't even know if he is abandoning all his clients. He works else where so he may be keeping those. I shall ask him today. If he is keeping some, I shall naturally feel left out and abandoned even more.

Please don't ask. You are setting yourself up for hurt feelings and a more difficult separation if you do. Asking will just bring you both more pain.

Ben

 

[Deleted member 33880]

Okay - I didn't ask. I might though at some stage.
You have helped Ben.
I have no idea how he plans the work with me. He doesn't give any thing away so all I experience is that I turn up and he says: how are you today. That is how I experience it. And I talk. And cry and he sits there. Occasionally he says something like 'I guess that is pretty normal for what you have experienced' one of his favourite phrases. I would actually like to know if he plans my therapy - it doesn't feel like it.
Oh and I can never see me being a peer. I relate to him like I am 8 yrs old. I don't think that will ever go away . My 8 yr old doesn't want to lose him

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

He's giving you power over your therapy. How about taking advantage of that, and thinking about some projects you'd like to complete with him over the next few months? This could be a very positive time period for you.

And, I get it about your 8 y/o. I still had DID when I finished up with Stewart, and my 3 y/o was quite distraught over losing him.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I bet. My 8 yr old can't lose him. That is hard bad it is. I might end up being a stalker. I have already warned him of that. He replied that we could make jam. So he IS going to meet with me.
I think.
Yes, I am in the process of working on some really difficult stuff with him. For me it is really hard to know what to work on. It just comes up. I could theoretically make a list but it would be like this

• get back to work
• resolved all traumas
• grow up
• be securely attached.

they are all too big!!
So instead I am working on the abandonment anguish whilst working on three of the most major traumas. Which is very painful.

I love him. Little me loves him so much that I think she will stalk him if this doesn't go right. She won't get caught. she will just want to SEE him.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((:hug::hug:)))Hugs for you in your time of struggles.
Blessings of strength being sent to you! You WILL be able to handle your therapist leaving. It will be difficult, but even 8 year olds can be stronger than you think!:hug:

 

[Deleted member 33880]

But hopefully my 8 yr old will get to make jam with him sometimes and also phone him sometimes?