Who Am I?

[PreciousChild]

I've been having a dull sense of disorientation. I do feel like I've been healing - my T and my family have noticed that I'm not as intense. My sister said that I've "mellowed out a lot". I'm so grateful for becoming aware of ptsd as a diagnosis. I've done more healing in the past year or so than I have in many, many years put together.

But I'm in this weird place. The other day, I actually ran out of things to say to my T. Weird! I'm usually talking a mile a minute with all this damned up angst that I hold in until I can release it on someone.

That's good that I'm not so full of angst, but it's throwing me off because as much as I've hated it, I've spent so long defining myself based on that angst - it motivated me to get a grad degree (it drove me to "prove" myself), it placed limitations upon me that affected my behavior and choices, and it was always a catch-all for all of my fears and problems.

But from now on, what if I don't have my ptsd to blame anymore for my behaviors and choices. Now what? That's a new kind of fear and anxiety.

Edited to add that I still have my triggers and ptsd, for sure. Just today, I felt it in my heart and it was a feeling of sheer self-loathing. But at least I could put even a small distance between the experience and the reality. Before the feeling was simply equivalent to reality. I am shitty and the panicky feeling is caused by my shittiness. But now I have a little question about it. So I haven't solved all of my problems. But I'm in a new place than I was before.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I've been having a dull sense of disorientation. I do feel like I've been healing - my T and my f...

That mental disorientation happens to me when I have had intense triggers, and my dad is one of my most intense triggers. Just hearing his voice for one second intensively trips me, ugly.

I really do know now that when you have PTSD the circuitry in your brain is damaged, many times severely and your brain is struggling to repair those circuits. Because in my case I have noticed that for years I had done things that are not correct (can be anything) and then all of the sudden I remember how to do something correctly. Or in other cases even though I have the necessary information my brain does not kick in to use that information until months later and I am just like: wow, this is information that I had six months ago and it took my brain this long to draw the correct conclusions. This is what makes PTSD so dangerous, this is what limits our functioning to such a degree that we can literally forget how to survive, our brains have the correct info stored somewhere, but due to the faulty circuitry in our PTSD brains we can not make sense of it or act in the correct way.

PTSD is an ever changing disease, nasty, unforgiving, totally surprising, never ending.

 

[Seasounds]

Big congratulations on your progress, from your hard work!

And I agree, the shift is an adjunent. Let me know what you find helpful (I am working on that myself)

I loved how you described the feeling now having some space between it and reality. Very cool.

Sometimes, when one level of problems seem dealt with enough to begin looking at other issues, I will just ask my intuition/spirit to present what is next, and just follow my interest or sense of whatever will seem good for me.

Like, once I got crying and talking down, I worked with a therapist who taught me to release anger. After that, I did somato-emotional release work, hen I learned Non Violent Communication, and relational psychology.

What seems to interest you, to work on, next?

 

[PreciousChild]

due to the faulty circuitry in our PTSD brains we can not make sense of it or act in the correct way.

Omigod, that makes sense! For a long, long time now, I've always used faulty choices and behaviors as a way of continuing to berate myself. I've found it so hard to forgive myself, more so than forgiving my parents. I'm aware of my progress, but I do know that there are layers and I should be prepared for more nasty, insidious battles as they come.

Thanks Vandya! Interesting - after I posted yesterday, I had this very cathartic experience. I just had to lie down and there was this wail that was trying to come out of my throat. I was tearing and there was a thought that crept up on me. It was this epiphany that I didn't deserve the treatment I got as a kid. I could have told myself that a million times, but this time was different. It was such a simple thought, but genuine. Maybe for the first time I truly believed that I was not the reason and cause for all of the shitty things that were done to me. I said to myself, 'After all of these years, are you just realizing that you didn't deserve it?' After that, tears just started flowing. When I get emotional like that, I use the opportunity to re-write the story. I saw in my mind's eye all the manifestations of myself and kept repeating to all that they didn't deserve that treatment. I also kept thinking, 'really?' 'really?' It isn't true right? The automatic thoughts I have about how shitty my response was or how shitty people think I am after any interaction just might be "in my head". I find that without being triggered, the script is not going to be rewritten. It has to be in that moment.

Anyway, I want to continue reading, and finding opportunities like the above to learn about myself. I really liked Body keeps the score and Healing Developmental trauma. Vandya, I think you're on to something. I think following my intuition will lead me right. It's far from over, but I can't believe that my efforts are making a difference. Incrementally, they're adding up to healing.

Also being able to post on this forum is so helpful. Sometimes I regret emoting too much or rambling and saying weird things. But usually people find a way to be supportive (like you just have!), and it's so deeply comforting to know that I'm not the only one facing these particular set of challenges and frustrations.