Seancharles' Mom

[SeanCharles]

I didn't know where else to fit this except maybe as a diary post, but since I wanted to limit that personal space I figured Discussion seemed relevant since this is a discussion on mothers!

Don't get me wrong, I do love the woman very much. Through the years, and as of late, her later years I am holding back this from her and am going to process this through this discussion in a little bit different format here as, I could simply write her a letter and may show it to her or write the letter and still get the release that I am doing through this discussion.

I almost want to play a little game here too in the process of this discussion. I am going to end this with a question: Whether you had a good one or bad one, if you were your own mother and she were your daughter or son what would you do differently to raise you/her/him?

This may sound a little confusing but I suspect some of you can make sense of that.

In my case, If the role were reversed, and I was my mom, I wouldn't change too much really because she did do the best she could despite the role that she had to fill as a single mom at one point in which she did manage to support two children on her own. My mom was for the most part a "hippie". She didn't experiment with marijuana like her son did, although she knew people and still does who did and do use this.

See where I am going with this?

feel free to chime in and I will contine as we create whatever this turns into, which I hope will be a fun and interesting thead! :)

 

[Mim28]

My mom is wonderful and she is there for me. I think she married young and I was aware of family problems at too young if an age. Roles reversed, I would have hid that more to make her feel secure. I took on a worrier role way too young in life.

 

[Silver.]

I didn't have my mother for very long, but longer than some. As a parent now, I am constantly seeing her in what I do. I parent because of my past, similarly and differently. My mother did so much for us, and in reflection, she shouldn't have, we should have chipped in more, so I parent keeping that in mind. (for example, chores are a must in this house, and because I believe it takes a family to keep a home, they aren't paid for, it's just a part of being a family).
I also integrate a lot of my past into my conversations with my daughter because my parents and my grandparents never talked to us about their childhoods etc. (sadly I learned more about one of my grandfathers from his obituary than him). So I do the opposite of them, and make sure to talk a lot about my "wretched" ( :P ) sisters growing up, and about my parents, so she can always know where she comes from.
Sorry I have rattled on so much x

 

[Artytree]

I haven't spoken to my mum in years, since 2006 I think. I believe she is a narcissist. She knew her dad was a pedophile but still made me go and say hello to him in his room alone everytime we went to visit. She left myself and my brother in my dads care for a week knowing how physically and mentally abusive he was....she stayed with him for the first ten years of my life. Which was like living in my own war zone.
She was only loving and affectionate when it suited her. She wasn't supportive at all towards me. She would put me down all the time for everything! She even made myself and my children homeless at one point. Her words she drummed into me growing up still chime in my head over and over..."you're nothing, you're vain (this was said everyday when I would do my hair in the mirror ready for the day ahead, I now avoid mirrors and windows ect), you're thick/stupid, you're never going to amount to anything, you're not as good as your older brother, your younger brother is a better artist than you." The list goes on. I could keep going with this but if I'm honest I'm getting really angry and upset. :cry::(
People say, I should forgive and you only have one mum ect....I left home when I was 16, I was homeless on and off over the years until I was 19. I'm 38 years old now and I've given her 4 chances to build a new relationship ect, it fails because she doesn't change how she is....when she started doing the same thing with my son as she did to me I put my foot down and because I did, she made us homeless. Treating me like that is one thing but not my children. I'll never have her in our lives again.

 

[Kintsugi]

My T and I were actually sort of talking about this in my last session. I was telling her about how my mother and my former T didn't really know about how abusive my first relationship was, but they did seem to know it was abusive at the same time. I talked about the way my mother attempted to broach the subject and how it was exactly how not to confront a young teen about abusive relationships. She asked me what I would have done differently, had it been my daughter. I basically said that if I were a mother, I would have already dedicated myself to cultivating a relationship in which my daughter would feel comfortable being honest about hardships, something I never felt I could do with my mother. I was always hiding any hint of imperfection.

There's a shitload of things I would have done differently if I actually were my mother. For starters, I wouldn't have adopted another child to save a marriage. That sounds completely insane. I wouldn't have fallen prey to the intergenerational trend of treating my son like an infallible prince and my daughter like Cinderella. I would have done something when my small child said her brother was doing bad things to her, not swept it under the rug, only to be drug out nearly two decades later so that I could deny ever remembering such a moment of inaction. I wouldn't have used my daughter as my "emotional garbage can," much less admitted that I was doing so. I wouldn't have allowed my daughter to feel like she needed to parent her older brother. I wouldn't have placed so much emotional responsibility on her in general. I would seriously worry when my child had a complete meltdown because I told her to do something, not because she didn't want to do it, but because she sobbed that she was trying to do everything before I had to ask. I would worry that my child was so unflinchingly obedient, not revel in it and brag. I would worry that she ran from me, not to me, when she was inconsolable. I would not allow my small child to spend pretty much all of her time unattended with her far older siblings and their rotating lot of friends in a very secluded area of my home. I would not give her a dog and then take it away. I would not threaten to take away the only things she loved doing because she was not protecting her brother properly.

Well, shit, this could just go on forever, huh? Good thread. :tup:

 

[Artytree]

I haven't spoken to my mum in years, since 2006 I think. I believe she is a narcissist. She knew her d...

I strive to do as much as I can differently with my children and to not be like my mum and dad for that matter. I do everything I can to protect them. I've always been honest and open with them. I praise them and do all that I know to build their confidence and self esteem. Don't get me wrong, I've made many mistakes but I make sure they understand that and the reasons behind it and that I'm not perfect. Most importantly I make sure my children know I love them and I'm proud of them, by telling them and showing them as much as I can.

 

[Lotis]

if you were your own mother and she were your daughter or son what would you do differently to raise you/her/him?

Well this is a loaded question....I could write a huge list but won't and can't even go there. Perhaps the biggest change I would have made if the roles were reversed; I would have sought help for myself as well as my children instead of turning a blind eye and pretending nothing was happening for years and years and years.
L

 

[Kintsugi]

@Lotis Yes, exactly what I was thinking as I wrote my above post.

 

[Mim28]

My T and I were actually sort of talking about this in my last session. I was telling her about how...

Simon, I give you a lot of credit for being able to honestly share all of that. You made me reflect on my own childhood and a couple of those things resonated with me. This is a good thread.:)

 

[ladee]

I now know my mom has PTSD. Way back before there was a name for it.And my kids were grown before I was diagnosed.
So many mistakes I made from simply not knowing another way. Tho I did seek therapy way before my DX.
My kids were praised, not compared. We had open conversations. I didn't share about my past then, but do now to help the healing for all of us.
I didn't always set a good example but they tell me now it showed them diversity and acceptance.
They told me I was not a "cookies and milk" mom but did teach them to be flexible.
I was different than my mom in getting help. I lost my mom when I was 34. She still had so much to teach me and I miss her still.
Great thread.

 

[scout86]

If I was the parent and my mother was the child? Found her a good therapist and prayed for a miracle. And found help for myself so maybe I had a chance of understanding how her brain worked.

 

[SeanCharles]

Thank you all! Yes, I know the question was a bit loaded. :D Something that I've been wrestling with is 'parental decisions' so as a way for me to get some perspective even having been through a marriage which I am going share in yet another post, soon, I wanted to look at characteristics that were involved in the decisions that mothers have or haven't made. I wasn't looking for specific qualities, but this really got a bit of mixed feedback which I am grateful for and appreciate! :)