Why

[Orac]

Why did I survive? Why am I still alive? Why am I so chicken that I cannot just do it? Why didn't I just scream more, fight more? Why can't I just accept what has happened? Why can't I believe my therapist is trying to help me? Why don't I have words to help my therapist understand me more? Why did so many people hurt me? Why was I born into a lifetime of incest and sexual abuse? Why? Why? Why? Why does my body physically hurt so bad? Why am I so sad right now? Why can't someone listen to me, believe me and hold me?

 

[Genecu]

Those are lots of questions, Orac. I can try to tackle a couple of them. Why didn't you scream more, fight more? I think a lot of us have good instincts when it comes to being attacked. Some people say they fought and screamed and got away. Others got killed for doing that. I think you have to trust you were listening to your best instincts at the time. Screaming and fighting is not always the best survival strategy. And you survived. I think you can give yourself credit for that and try to rest in that. I am listening, I believe you, and I will hold you up and send hugs if that's okay.

 

[Wotara]

I was super duper lucky at one point in my career to have been raped so many times in short succession by a wide variety of people that I actually got to try all of the possible "whys". And my brain? Can come up with a helluva lot of whys. With rape? I have literally tried each and every single damn thing I can think of to avoid it. Know what I learned? All they did was make it worse. And a few of those times, my brilliant plan nearly got me killed. Good job there, brain! :banghead:

What I learned? Whatever it was I -or anyone else- does just naturally in response to what is happening? That's the single BEST choice. Period. Survival mode kicks into gear, makes a whole helluva lot of snap judgements And. Does. The. Right. Thing.

All this what if / why / armchair quarterbacking after the fact? Whether is us doing it to ourselves, or others doing it to us...Is bullshit. It's totally normal, and natural, but it's also bullshit. What you did? Was exactly what you needed to do. No matter how ugly, or how much you regret it, or how much you wish things had happened differently... You did the right thing. Period.

 

[Hekinow]

We're listening we believe you. I'm sorry your hurting so much right now. I don't know your story but I ask myself similar questions all the time. What ever happened whatever you thought you should've done, you didn't ask for this these are burdens no human should have to deal with and go through.

You're still alive maybe you did exactly the right thing. We have a survival instinct perhaps that's the why. It was out with your control and it's not your fault. It was them not you they are the why you are an innocent in all of this.

 

[Ecup]

Just wanted you to know that you are heard....can't really answer all those questions...but know that i hear you...and I validate that feeling all those questions sucks. So sorry.

 

[Adumi]

I have asked myself some of those same questions and more over the years. I know a lot of them have no answers.
In times of trauma the body and mind does what it needs to do in order to survive.
Right now you're in a lot of pain because you're healing. Emotional pain is felt on a physical level as well as mental. The body also remembers the pain you felt at that time too. The more you talk about these painful times will help. The pain does get worse initially, but it eventually subsides and you can manage it better.
I know you probably don't feel this right now, but you're doing good. Keep strong. You will find the words, if you haven't already, maybe repeat what you wrote in your post to your therapist because it speaks volumes to me so I'm sure it will to a therapist. You're reaching out to people, that's the fighting spirit right there, despite the fact you're tired of constantly trying! Keep going, you're doing awesome believe me. You are listened to and believed.

 

[Juzofa]

I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but your pain, this stage, will pass. It will. It did for me and it will for you *hugs*

 

[Ucok]

I'm listening! And I believe you.
I wish I knew the whys, there are no good answers to those questions. No reason why that happened to you and not somebody else except you were there.
You've experienced the worst of human nature and it's hard to believe anytning can be different, but it can. It really can.
I'm really sorry you had to go through so much and I relate. I was so angry for so long - at myself too as I felt like I'd made it so easy to abuse me.
I didn't know how to stand up for myself or protect myself.
I do now. And I don't feel angry all the time any more.
There are gifts that come from deep pain. I hope yours come to you very soon

 

[Egav]

Those are lots of questions, Orac. I can try to tackle a couple of them. Why didn't you scream more, fight more? I t...

True that, when we don't fight we often do that because we are in shock. Just today someone asked me after I told them my mom passed away: well why did you not tell me?
Fair to say, that is exactly what a corrupt peace officer asked me after I was repeatedly stalked and harassed: well why did you not tell me that before?

 

[Uzomo]

Why did I survive? Why am I still alive? Why am I so chicken that I cannot just do it? Why didn't I just scream more, fig...

Because some people freeze sweetheart. That is probably what you did. Fear does different things to different people. Survival is a beast. You did what your brain and body TOLD you to do at the time. Your thought process caught up later.