Other Ptsd 30 Yrs Never Realized It

[MIssZ]

New here, just googled this. Is it possible to bury your entire life, "forgetting" it all? I have. I never realized this, I never realized this. Long back story, but counselor told me today I am suffering from PTSD from abusive marriage nearly 30 years ago, I raised the offspring from the marriage alone, he abandoned them. They are now all grown. Recently served summons from him after 30 years. At that moment, my life has been a haze, a literal haze, can't focus, cant live my daily life, I am terrified, paranoid, can't trust anyone.
My now wonderful husband and daughter with spouse have mentioned I have changed. I'm not myself. It's apparent, and I can't hide it, I'm terrified, they don't deserve this. Husband doesn't know extent of trauma in that marriage, I buried it, or so I thought. It's full force, I can't take this. I never realized this unhealthy marriage had me this on defensive, but it has....looking back. Is it even possible that these feelings, behaviors, fear, anxiety, could have been hidden for all this time...to the extent of how I cannot control my changed behavior. What can I do?
What can I do?
Thank you for reading
Ps tag has to post with title, I've been under psychiatric care for many years, no doubt one dx overlaps the other, and I really don't want another dx, I just need coping skills, I repressed so much and i do not know where all of this is coming from within me.....how can I stop this?

 

[Hope69]

Yes, things can be hidden for many years. I would say education makes it easier to understand what you are experiencing. A simple book I found is "waking the Tiger". Once you understand how trauma manifests, you can share information with your family. Its good for them to understand . No one is immune from possible traumas, so others can also learn how to identify possible issues in their own lives (even if they don't have PTSD) and make sense of what you are going through.
You may find that If you have been under psych care , its possible past depressions and anxiety were a result of trauma.You are a good person. You care for your husband and children, I have no doubt. Feelings themselves don't make a person bad or good, but what you do with them is where wisdom comes in. With a caring therapist, you can help make sense of your feelings and move through them towards more stability.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Yes, it's possible. Took me twenty three years to remember some of my traumas. You will find a lot of great advice and support here, welcome to the forum.

C j

 

[moshpitmunkey]

Hi, I'm sorry about everything you go through. It truly is possible to repress things like that for years, and I know how scary it can be to process all of your feelings and past trauma when it begins to surface. I dont know if this will help or not, but my advice would be to keep seeing your counselor or psychiatrist, keep reaching out for support, continue to be honest with yourself and the ones you love about what's going on. And you can get through it, one step at a time. Really hope you find the support, healing and coping skills you are in need of

 

[Nessa7]

Welcome! I am new to all this myself. Right now, I am doing everything I can to be kind to myself, like surrounding myself with positive and supportive media and making sure that I am sleeping, eating, taking my medications on time, and doing everything else I need to do to stay healthy.

 

[Gs172003]

Im dealing with this now. I've been married three times. #2 I can remember everything in my life except most anything about him. I can remember my job, my marriage before that and things like that but #2? Other than vague things I remember almost nothing. I barely remember what the fool looks like. How messed up is that?

 

[shimmerz]

Is it even possible that these feelings, behaviors, fear, anxiety, could have been hidden for all this time...to the extent of how I cannot control my changed behavior. What can I do?

Yes. I learned to call it a 'kindling' of old trauma. Mine was brought on 45 years after the original trauma, which was inflicted upon me during my first two years of life. After retrieving documentation of those first two years (from children's aid), my physical and emotional responses are exactly the same as were documented when I was under the age of two.

The Biological Response to Psychic Trauma
(Pete Walker is a much easier read) Google Pete Walker 4F's

I suppose what I am saying is that this is not a malingering type of effect. It is your body posturing the defensive mechanisms that you needed back when you were in your abusive situation.

Are you in therapy? If not, I suggest you get yourself a good 'trauma' therapist. A regular therapist may well not understand what is happening with you.

Welcome. I am so sorry that you have suffered so.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome! :)

 

[MIssZ]

Thank you all, I am not getting reports of responses. I do need help I don't fit into any of the typical PTSD criteria. I saw my psych today and she is also agreeing I am having PTSD (didn't want another label) but she is adding meds, I just need a way to function, I can't even concentrate on a book, and I have read portions of a few here. I need to be me for my daughter.