How Do I Word This

[Gs172003]

I have issues with intimacy due to well, not sure exactly where it started but I'm positive #2 ex husband sealed the deal. Now that I'm recognizing just how messed up I am in this area I'm trying to still be there for husband #3. But it's not going well. Hubby wants it to be special, wants me to be present, etc and in my mind it's not even for me never has been. Ever. EVER. I'm willing to let him do it but I have to fade out in one way or another but he won't let me or he just won't do it and when he does it I get angry later or when he doesn't I feel like I'm going to get in trouble or I've done something wrong. Ugh. Help.

 

[Gs172003]

I have had flashbacks during and he has stopped during so he is good about that. He can tell when I have issues like that.

 

[Gs172003]

Nobody. Again.

 

[joeylittle]

@missy meier - two hours isn't that long to wait for posts, on this board.

The long-term solution is going to be to make sure that you are processing all your trauma issues, to reduce or erase their ability to take you out of your present moment. Short-term, all I can say is, I hear you. I never conquered this one while I was in my relationship - but, knowing what I do now, I don't think it would have been possible at that time, because I wasn't in therapy. These kinds of issues are real, and they are complicated. Is couples therapy or an intimacy workshop an option?

 

[Gs172003]

@missy meier - two hours isn't that long to wait for posts, on this board.

The...

Right now we are both in individual therapy. I'm in trauma he is in general. This week is going to suck. Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my cousin's suicide and Wed my therapist wants to meet me at the last place I lived with the ex. Ugh. On top of all I said last post what do I do?

 

[barefoot]

I agree with @joeylittle - I guess the long term solution is to do all the trauma processing work so that the old trauma stuff doesn't keep impacting in the here and now.

I'm hearing a lot of how your husband wants it to be so how you're going to let him because you want it to be that way for him (paraphrasing, so apologies if I'm not quite on the mark) But I suspect that if you keep putting yourself in the situation you don't really want to be putting yourself in at the moment, you're going to keep getting triggered/dissociating? And I'm not sure how helpful that is for you?

Would you prefer if physical intimacy were off the table at the moment? And, if so, could you have that conversation with him?

Have you discussed your current difficulty with physical intimacy with your therapist?

I guess one possibility is to see if there are other ways that you can achieve intimacy with your husband in a way that you can tolerate – and maybe even enjoy?! So, perhaps, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, giving each other a foot rub...whatever you think could help you have some physical closeness in a way that feels ok for you. Small steps...?

 

[Gs172003]

I agree with @joeylittle - I guess the long term solution is to do all the trauma p...

My husband says he's OK with just cuddling but something in me is scared of just that like if I don't give in it'll be bad either for me or for him.
There is alot of my trauma that i dont remember but i do remember this. My second husband would get mad if I was on my period. Let's just put it that way so to this day I still announce to my husband when my period starts and feel bad about it.

I told my therapist and she said basically the same as you all.

 

[Gs172003]

I'm just rambling now. Sorry.

 

[barefoot]

No need to apologise - you're not rambling at all. This stuff is difficult and complicated :-(

Sounds like your current husband is a thoughtful, caring man. Unfortunately, other people in your life haven't been like that and it's going to take some time and work to undo the messages they consistently sent you.

I do think you can get to a better place with this with time and work - probably patience and honesty is key for you to build further trust in your relationship and for you to start to trust that your current husband is not the same as previous people who hurt you.

 

[Gs172003]

My therapist said I'm like Pavlov's dog. I've been conditioned to expect bad treatment because thats all ive gotten. Great. So how do I uncondition it? I guess I'll just have to wait it out. Thank you all.

 

[barefoot]

Well...that's what your therapist is there to help you with :-)

But understanding that's what's happening and noticing when these distortions are occurring...they're both really important and useful first steps that will help you make progress.

 

[Gs172003]

Thanks. I'm still new to wrapping my head around all this and it sucks.