Barriers Don't Work

[fin]

I feel I have to say that I am under no illusions to volume of words equating to power of healing. I had hoped that I was able to address some repeated questions that were put to me somewhere else. In as careful a way as I could, without posting any more of my innermost feelings out here. I am in pain and very much alone, and now I guess you know why I am alone in this world.

And if someone could let me know what it is ok for me to feel then that would be cool also. Because I guess due to my PTSD voice screaming so LOUD in my ear, I couldn't really tell if I was being told that the "danger" from the emotions and feelings I had, might be imagined rather than real. And that made me QUESTION the VALIDITY of MY FEELINGS.

Less words and I got to try it on first to see if I could live with it as valid or not.



Please try not to second guess, it never works and can lead to disapppointment and misunderstanding.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear fin, hope that you do not feel misunderstood, - at least all I can say is I likely would if I were you. I can only say for myself that oftentimes (for me) I have a heck of a time figuring out what I feel and then expressing it as I mean. -And then it changes, too! Yikes- I can't win.

I can only say whatever you feel is valid, because these are "feelings" and so I have learned (apparently) not the same as thoughts. I know I have read that with ptsd and other stuff, "we" have a tendency to think they're the same, but they are not.

I can relate to feelings of terrible pain, fear, loneliness and despair. -For the record, fin, I too, have virtually no family left- and certainly none I could talk to about this (especially without 'secondary wounding'), and have never been married (or divorced)/ no kids. It can be frightening, as well as painful. Certainly scary, at times.
Beyond this Board I have told only one person, re:ptsd, -and that was it. No conversation (or response) about it, just told them.

But you are never alone with this forum. You have more people supporting you and pulling for you than you can likely imagine.

And I think you are so right- that PTSD voice can be EXTREMELY loud.

Best wishes to you fin, keep writing.

 

[freya]

And if someone could let me know what it is ok for me to feel then that would be cool also.

I think my response to that would instinctively be: EVERYTHING.

They are your feelings, you have them, who can tell you that it's not okay.

At the same time I can totally relate to questioning the validity of my feelings. This 'habit' got me psychotic and hospitalized several times.
It's like a trap. You HAVE the feelings. In a way you can't help it or stop it. My own experience says that unless I accept them, they will not 'go away'.

 

[fin]

Thankyou Freya,

I have to let you know, that cookie when I had it the other day, was still warm, kind of soft chewy in the centre and perfect choclate, and crispy round the edge. It was a good moment in all the rubbish I have been through this week.

I really thankyou for what you have brought to me through this thread. I have had my eyes opened to a lot of things with this journey. I hope my experience has been able to help others and show them that they are not alone in some of their struggles.That we can get through some of this crap somehow.

Bless you Freya, and thankyou again for taking the time and trouble to help me work through some of my rubbish here.

~fin

 

[fin]

And to anyone else;

The issue that I have written about working through here, is now and for the time being finished for me. I have done and tried all I can to work through something and I can do no more. I have been as honest and out there as I can be, and if someone chooses to deliberately try to hurt me now, they will only make themselves look foolish.

I see no reason to write any more on this here, I have tried to resolve something, through this and another related thread, and while it may not have gone well, that may depend on your interpretation of well. I am hurting and in pain, but I have found resolution to this particular subject and all the questions I have tried to answer and adress have been, so I have done that which I didn't think was possible. I have stood up for myself, finally at last and in some way that I am proud to have done. Despite some instances of deliberate misunderstanding and confusion tactics I know the truth and that is what matters. I cant make anyone else believe if they choose not to.

So I guess what I am saying is, it is highly unlikely I will come back to this, so if anyone tries to poke me through this thread they will be wasting their time. I hope that is understood. Maybe sometimes we need to get over ourselves some. I know I have... hah!!!

Of course if this is something that can help someone and they can be helped through contributing to it, if they have something they need to work through themselves when reading here, then I hope it works for you, but I will no longer be addressing these points in relation to my "little problem" here so I can see nothing more that I can contribute here other than what I already have done. If someone else can respond to your postings then great. But I am afraid I will not be posting more here unless I absolutely have to. And that is not likely to happen, no matter how I am pushed any more on this. This door is closed for me now. And it feels good to be saying that.

I hope that this is understood. I am sorry if this upsets anyone it has never been my intention, and I guess there are some that may see that and some that may see that but may still choose to ignore it, and in some way try to poke me further about this. Dont waste your time please, this is over for me now. I gave my best to resolution and that is all I can do. That is all any of us can do - our best.

And in life doing our best and living as honestly as we are able to, is where we can find some more of the self respect that we have been stripped of through our lives. And we can only hope that others bring the same with them.



So that said, please know I will not be party to any more on this in here.
This bear baiting is over... see ya!!!

~fin