I apologize in advance for the lengthy post and decided to sign up for an account in search of help after stumbling upon this site while doing PTSD research. I have absolutely nobody to talk to in my life about this or anyone who can relate whatsoever.
I met my boyfriend four years ago, we fell madly in love and have had the type of passion, kindness and intimacy with one another that I never believed truly existed. I learned very early on that his adult son fell unexpectedly ill one morning and died that very same day in his arms. He inevitably blames himself even though his disease was not preventable. Because of this he has very severe PTSD, depression and some suicidal thoughts. As our relationship progressed he would open up to me more about it but in the timeI've known him, has never really been able to share his experiences completely. He sees his psychiatrist at least once a week and confides completely in him, which has always given me some peace of mind that he has an outlet. He has a very high profile career and has mastered the ability to completely cover up his suffering to the point that I am the only person in his life who is aware of it.
He was always the most loving man I could ever imagine but there was a darkness to his depression that I was well aware of at the same time. He would have moments where he would barely notice I existed and would almost shut down completely. He told me I was the love of his life, that I finally brought him happiness to him after 6 years of his son being gone and that he wanted to have another child together (something I myself wasn't certain on). Three months ago however, we broke up after going through weeks of him being in a very bad place. I knew he was struggling at that point, I felt like there was no one inside of him anymore and that my partner was completely gone, but I didn't know what to do. I honestly felt like his body was vacant. He told me he needed space and I told him he should leave (I struggle myself with issues of abandonment and self-worth, which have made this even more tough and I know, not the reaction to alleviate the situation).
We stopped speaking for several weeks but inevitably came back into each other's lives. We have been closer than ever in the last few weeks - he has been so open with me about his mental battles, something I had wished for when we were together. We keep cycling through talking and then not talking for a few days because I keep asking him to let me go and tell him it's not fair to continue like this. He says that he sees no future for his life, which makes it very hard for him to think about us down the road. Hearing this is so hurtful and upsetting for me as I wonder why he would have kept me in his life for 2 years if he didn't see a future - he says I don't understand the symptoms of PTSD and that the lack of future has nothing to do with me but encompasses his entire life. He also says he knows he will hurt me because of what he is going through and that he won't be able to provide me what I need in a partnership. For those reasons we have decided not to come back together as a couple and I have never pushed him to make a commitment to me since our breakup.
I keep trying to end this situation as it is so painful for me to have him in my life but not in the capacity I want. He keeps coming back after I've asked him to stop, telling me he loves me, sending me beautiful love letters and discussing plans about children. I'm so madly in love with him that I can't help but want to talk to him and be with him. It is so confusing as I can feel so much love and desire to be together from him, but ultimately he tells me he can't. I feel like I must be some sort of masochist to allow this suffering to continue in my life for so long.
I honestly don't know what to do and have nobody who can understand in any sort of capacity what it is I'm trying to work through. I have so much love and compassion for him and want nothing more than to be able to help and support him, but don't know if I will ever be able to. As somebody who does not suffer from PTSD or depression, I do struggle to understand or know what the right thing to do is. I apologize if any of this sounds ignorant - I do my best to read through information I can find online and in journals but otherwise have no way of educating myself as he is very closed off about this. I want nothing more than to love him and be there for him but I also know I need to look out for myself first.
Thank you in advance for any help or guidance you can provide. You have a lovely community - I know my partner would fair much better if he would consider being part of something like this :)
I met my boyfriend four years ago, we fell madly in love and have had the type of passion, kindness and intimacy with one another that I never believed truly existed. I learned very early on that his adult son fell unexpectedly ill one morning and died that very same day in his arms. He inevitably blames himself even though his disease was not preventable. Because of this he has very severe PTSD, depression and some suicidal thoughts. As our relationship progressed he would open up to me more about it but in the timeI've known him, has never really been able to share his experiences completely. He sees his psychiatrist at least once a week and confides completely in him, which has always given me some peace of mind that he has an outlet. He has a very high profile career and has mastered the ability to completely cover up his suffering to the point that I am the only person in his life who is aware of it.
He was always the most loving man I could ever imagine but there was a darkness to his depression that I was well aware of at the same time. He would have moments where he would barely notice I existed and would almost shut down completely. He told me I was the love of his life, that I finally brought him happiness to him after 6 years of his son being gone and that he wanted to have another child together (something I myself wasn't certain on). Three months ago however, we broke up after going through weeks of him being in a very bad place. I knew he was struggling at that point, I felt like there was no one inside of him anymore and that my partner was completely gone, but I didn't know what to do. I honestly felt like his body was vacant. He told me he needed space and I told him he should leave (I struggle myself with issues of abandonment and self-worth, which have made this even more tough and I know, not the reaction to alleviate the situation).
We stopped speaking for several weeks but inevitably came back into each other's lives. We have been closer than ever in the last few weeks - he has been so open with me about his mental battles, something I had wished for when we were together. We keep cycling through talking and then not talking for a few days because I keep asking him to let me go and tell him it's not fair to continue like this. He says that he sees no future for his life, which makes it very hard for him to think about us down the road. Hearing this is so hurtful and upsetting for me as I wonder why he would have kept me in his life for 2 years if he didn't see a future - he says I don't understand the symptoms of PTSD and that the lack of future has nothing to do with me but encompasses his entire life. He also says he knows he will hurt me because of what he is going through and that he won't be able to provide me what I need in a partnership. For those reasons we have decided not to come back together as a couple and I have never pushed him to make a commitment to me since our breakup.
I keep trying to end this situation as it is so painful for me to have him in my life but not in the capacity I want. He keeps coming back after I've asked him to stop, telling me he loves me, sending me beautiful love letters and discussing plans about children. I'm so madly in love with him that I can't help but want to talk to him and be with him. It is so confusing as I can feel so much love and desire to be together from him, but ultimately he tells me he can't. I feel like I must be some sort of masochist to allow this suffering to continue in my life for so long.
I honestly don't know what to do and have nobody who can understand in any sort of capacity what it is I'm trying to work through. I have so much love and compassion for him and want nothing more than to be able to help and support him, but don't know if I will ever be able to. As somebody who does not suffer from PTSD or depression, I do struggle to understand or know what the right thing to do is. I apologize if any of this sounds ignorant - I do my best to read through information I can find online and in journals but otherwise have no way of educating myself as he is very closed off about this. I want nothing more than to love him and be there for him but I also know I need to look out for myself first.
Thank you in advance for any help or guidance you can provide. You have a lovely community - I know my partner would fair much better if he would consider being part of something like this :)
