I Switched In Front Of A New Therapist And I Never Want To Go Back

[theshadowoftheliving]

Just like it sounds. Met with a new therapist today (I've had so much insurance trouble, etc). I had gotten up super early for work and was feeling tired and vulnerable; all the questions that the new therapist was asking really overwhelmed me and before I knew what was happening, I was switching into the little girl.

I'm so humiliated and horrified that my first impression on her was this and I don't know if I can face seeing this therapist ever again.

 

[Friday]

How did she respond?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

If I were in your situation, I could understand the feelings of humiliation, however, this can also be a good way to figure out if this therapist is a good fit for you. How did she react (can you remember)? Will you be willing again just to see how she is acting? Can you ask her straight out what she thought of your switching and if she believes in DID or other forms of more severe dissociation? I think it might be helpful in the long run than starting to establish a working relationship and then switching later on only to find out then that it won't be a good match.

 

[BlueOrange]

As per the above replies - if this therapist is going to be able to help you, then seeing you switch gives them a lot of information that can be used for therapeutic benefit. The critical question is "How did they respond?"

If their response indicated that they have genuine regard for your safety, and acceptance of the fact that you are a person who switches, then I'd be inclined to suggest that you keep seeing this therapist.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I think she responded okay? I'm a little hazy as to what happened. I think she didn't know what to do or even really what was happening - fair, I had only known her for thirty minutes.

I know she believes in DID because she was a recommendation- so, atleast there is that?

I'm still horrified.

 

[BlueOrange]

I think the horror is to be expected - Structural Dissociation defines DID as "Having parts that you're terrified of having" - it's the phobia of the parts that makes it a disorder. So, you allowed someone to see something that terrifies you, that you're ashamed of. That's going to be scary and frightening and all kinds of bad things.

With the information I have right now, I'd strongly encourage going to the next appointment. It sounds like there's a chance that she'll be able to help you relate to your parts in ways that are less 'phobia' more 'teamwork'.

 

[seedling]

that my first impression on her was this

This is what you see as her first impression, but that first impression may have been formed before you switched.
This may have been her third, fourth or fifth impression. She probably has a larger picture of you than you might think.

If she was able to respond and think on her feet then that shows a lot of promise.

Nothing like jumping in the deep end right off! I hope the distress ebbs away and there's a way to get to a better place.
If she can help you do that, so much the better.

 

[Sideways]

I can understand that if that had happened to me, I'd feel so humiliated that I'd be thinking the same thing - better to iust not go back.

But that feeling is really just a feeling. It doesn't necessarily reflect how your T interpreted the the situation at all. In fact, from your T's perspective, they may have seen it as entirely consistent with what they've been referred to treat you for.

Nothing more, nothing less. Just, "this person's presentation is consistent with DID and a history of childhood abuse, and they need some help with that".

Consider the flip side: we know what it's like when T's don't believe we have DID. Having to convince them is potentially an even worse scenario.

What happened feels embarrassing, but you don't have to let that feeling spoil what sounds like a fairly productive first appointment...

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Thanks, everyone. I'm feeling hazy and confused. I can't respond right now but I'll come back and read more later when I'm able;?inhate how my brain can do this.

 

[BlueOrange]

*please insert your preferred warm, affectionate gesture here*

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I think it might be helpful in the long run than starting to establish a working relationship and then switching later on only to find out then that it won't be a good match.

I know this. I know that it is ideal to see, right off, if a therapist can deal with the intensity that I come with. It's just also hard to show that intensity to someone I hardly even know.

If their response indicated that they have genuine regard for your safety, and acceptance of the fact that you are a person who switches, then I'd be inclined to suggest that you keep seeing this therapist.

I'm going to return for another visit - no promises yet of long-term commitments, but I think it is worth seeing if it might be a good fit.

This is what you see as her first impression, but that first impression may have been formed before you switched.
This may have been her third, fourth or fifth impression. She probably has a larger picture of you than you might think.

Thank you for this, @seedling. I'm trying to remember it. I'm trying to remember that i'm more than just the switched and the concurrent disaster that they cause, but sometimes that discomfort and impossibility of being just one thing feels larger than myself, who over that is.

But that feeling is really just a feeling. It doesn't necessarily reflect how your T interpreted the the situation at all. In fact, from your T's perspective, they may have seen it as entirely consistent with what they've been referred to treat you for.

And this, too - thank you @Ragdoll Circus.

I think this frightened me because it was both in front of someone I hardly know, and because it was one of the first instances where I felt the switch happening and was conscious of it. Usually I can recognize it retroactively, but not in the moment - that interior clawing of another trying to get control of my body and do as they please. That, in and of itself, was really, really scary.

 

[seedling]

It seems hopeful that you knew the switch was happening. So many things can only be worked on as we become aware of them.
Awareness of when something is happening is often the first step to being able to do something about it.

Is the "do as they please" the scariest part? Feeling out of control with what that part might do?

really, really scary.

Sorry about this part. I know how overwhelming it is when it comes.