I Switched In Front Of A New Therapist And I Never Want To Go Back

[BlueOrange]

I'm going to return for another visit - no promises yet of long-term commitments, but I think it is worth seeing if it might be a good fit.

I agree 100%. I'm not sure that a long-term commitment is ever really worth it; the question is always "Based on what I know now, what are the chances of something positive in future? And what are the chances of something harmful?" The challenge for us as survivors is to separate the frightening and the painful from the harmful.

it was one of the first instances where I felt the switch happening and was conscious of it.

That sounds like a really positive development! If you can see it happening, then you can start to manage it when it's happening. I'm not going to say "control" or "prevent", because those are not always worthwhile, and probably not achievable anyway. But if you can withstand that feeling for a little while, you can have a lot more influence over what happens next.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Is the "do as they please" the scariest part? Feeling out of control with what that part might do?

I think so ... I'm just starting to learn about these parts of me and I'm not sure what they do and don't do, and that's the frightening part. I'm supposed to have it all together. People think that I'm so put together - quirky, maybe, but put together - and I don't want to ruin that illusion.

That sounds like a really positive development! If you can see it happening, then you can start to manage it when it's happening. I'm not going to say "control" or "prevent", because those are not always worthwhile, and probably not achievable anyway. But if you can withstand that feeling for a little while, you can have a lot more influence over what happens next.

I hope so. It's also scary to recognize it. I know that recognizing it is helpful, but it is also so, so, so uncomfortable .... naivety is easier.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I went back this afternoon. I think I like her. She was totally unphased by what had happened. Comfortable in her own skin and with witnessing dissociative processes, which made me more comfortable, I think.

Not sure if it was that comfort or something else about her or what .... But then it happened again. Splitting headache and pressure, struggle to stay at all award of what I was doing. Hearing myself talk like a little kid. I'm so thrown off now ....

 

[seedling]

It seems like some part of you may really need to be heard and feels that it's safe to do that when you are there.
Hang in there!

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Thanks, @seedling. I'm trying. I hate how much time there is between appointments, sometimes - Things like this happen, and then I have to sit on it for an entire week before I can ask my therapist about what she thinks about it.

 

[seedling]

It doesn't seem like you had the same reaction this time as the first time. Did you get much of that this time?
Now you seem eager to delve in to what it is:)
Yay!

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I think it happened even more intensely than before. Frankly, I don't remember most of the session, which is always alarming for me, and I'm worried about what I did or did not do or say during that time.

I'll go back next week. I just hate the not-remembering part and the not-knowing. I'm losing so much time this week following my appointment - I can hardly remember anything. It's scary and I don't know what to do - I'm still having the impulse to run, but fighting it ...

 

[seedling]

Do you have any self-acceptance skills that you can do to help you through?
It's OK to be where you are right now, to be losing time, to have the impulse to run. It's all part of the process you are going through to work on your healing.

 

[Sideways]

When we know that we've switched in front of our T, and we can't remember but they do, it makes us incredibly vulnerable. They have the upper hand in a way. They know more about what we've said than we do. They've got access to part of us that we can't control. It requires a lot of trust in a T to be okay with that, and no that they aren't going to abuse having the upper hand, or hold it against us if we've said or done something that we didn't mean. And we don't even know if we have said or done something we didn't mean. Argh! I have NO control here, ABORT ABORT!!

The more your T gets the chance to show you that they can be trusted with this upper hand, the less frightening it will become. Promise. But it takes time, so be patient with yourself.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Thanks, @Ragdoll Circus. I hope so. Right now it's just so much to process, especially since I'm still coming to terms with having a. Dissociatice disorder and having multiple parts - it's hard to acknowledge these parts in the first place and even harder to acknowledge that sometimes they steamroll me and get control.

It's all just hard. And the hardest part, I think, is that I have no option but to continue in my day-to-day life - no time off to process things and no breathing room to think about anything. Just onward and forward, pretending like nothing happened at all.