Alone

[Higgins]

I come here and read posts every so often, and it seems like most people have some sort of support system, or only have like one or two incidents (albeit really f*cked up incidents). I'm writing because I don't have a support system and have CPTSD. It hasn't been one really f*cked up thing for me. It's been decades of systematic abuse and neglect, with some rape and assault mixed in. I just have gotten to the point where I don't have anyone left around me. And no baseline of what it is to feel normal. I frequently doubt if there will ever be a stage in my life where I won't be in pain.

The reason I bring up people here who've had isolated events, is from the outside, it just seems like you have a vision of what life without the ptsd / trauma could be. I don't have this. I've never had it. So I just feel unendingly lost.

I can't re-engage with the world. Like what's the point. I did the hard work of cutting out the bad, going to a therapist, going through EMDR (I'm in year two of it, there's been so much crap), fighting my way through meds and doctors and all of it, but I'm at the point now where I know full well what people are capable of that I can't justify connecting back with the world. And if I don't, then what's the point of being here at all. No amount of therapy will change how untrustworthy human beings are. No amount of therapy will change the evil that exists in the world. So I feel stuck. Like my life isn't moving forward because I don't actually want to go outside or meet anyone or make friends or whatever, but by not moving forward, I continue to sink. All of it feels like quicksand, where there is no way out.

I don't have anyone other than you guys I can say this to.

 

[Toadette]

How you're feeling is very understandable considering what you've been through. I feel the same about having no baseline for normal. How are you finding the therapy? Have you brought this up to them?

 

[NaeNae75]

I come here and read posts every so often, and it seems like most people have some sort of support syst...

I'm sorry you feel so alone. You really aren't though...as useless as that can be to say. I do understand how you feel. I used to feel exactly the same way. I have gone through so much through my whole life that I really never believed there were any good people left, or anywhere I could be safe. I wasn't safe at home, because my dad beat us and my mom hated us because she would say it was our fault "she couldn't leave". Outside wasn't safe because of the 2 neighbor boys that thought all of the younger girls in the neighborhood were there personal play things. Family wasn't safe because of my creepy ass molester uncle molested my cousin (his adopted daughter) and she in turn molested the rest of us....which then made the boys do even worse things to us... School wasn't safe because that's where I was raped my Freshman year of high school. Then boyfriends that were abusive.....etc. Then work was full of ego-maniac people esp. men, that wanted to take advantage of you. All I wanted to do was die to escape the pain. Then I almost did....a few times from brain injury... so that changed my mind.

Once I had my own kids....I knew I couldn't let them experience this crap. When they were young, I tried, but I wasn't the best mom.... but after the Therapy finally started to "stick" I became a better parent. I found a reason to find my "silver lining" so to speak. Life still isn't rainbows and sunshine...but it's definitely better. Now I'm a grandma, and usually, dare I say....even happy sometimes.

I can't promise anyone will ever be "great" to you.....but you can be. You can choose who you're around and when you're around them. I hope you can find someone that isn't a complete dirt bag. They do exist....and once you find the first one, the others become easier to find to. I wish you the best of luck. I wasn't trying to "air my baggage" on your post, I just wanted you to know that I get it....and you can message me if you ever need to talk.

 

[zephcat]

I come here and read posts every so often, and it seems like most people have some sort of support syst...

I am also totally alone. No diagnose but, after years always alone and unable to maintain any kind of relationship or a minimal conversation , maybe have cptsd, and very bad. Have a family that made me this, but try to reduce contact. 10 years alone, maybe one day, but, without them

 

[Justmehere]

:hug:s to you @Higgins, if you accept them.

I had super avoidant attachment for awhile. I didn't need or want relationships with people. Like you, I just didn't see the point. I went through neglect too - and I didn't think it was such a big deal until my therapist pointed out that neglect can kill a child, through failure to thrive, even when all physical needs for life are met. Isolation from relationship has a bunch of physical medical consequences for adults too.

I haven't ever known a life without the effects of trauma and being traumatized too. Sometimes, after years of work, I begin to experience it for moments at a time. I will go into therapy and ask her... "is this what it is like without PTSD?" -- it's that forigen to me.

I keep seeking out relationships and connections even when I didn't want it. It was like trying to eat broccoli because it's good for me even when I didn't want it.

Now, I'm glad for it - but it was super hard and there were a lot of times connections with others were really superficial.

Now I'm struggling with sustaining connection. Feels like one battle aftee another.

I wish I had great words of wisdom or advice or a solution to the pain, but I don't. I am glad you posted though. It helped me feel less alone about all of this myself.

 

[cat-lady]

You might want to consider group therapy with a good well-educated moderator. I used to be in therapy like that but had to move. I got a great sense of community in a way I've never experienced anywhere else exactly. Yes, it can get tense sometimes but that's why it takes a good strong therapist. Just something you might want to consider. It helped me with not feeling alone. It's a safe space because they regulate who gets in and make sure to keep tabs on how group members behavior is affecting each other.

 

[Crow]

I'm alone as well. I see my therapist every few weeks but that's my only support. I work at home so rarely have human interaction. And yep, CPTSD too with a lifetime it seems of crap. I've never felt normal or like I belong. Don't understand what that looks like. But lately, I've felt happy a few times and that's so very rare. Hoping it happens more.

 

[Enaila]

My traumas started when I was less than three years old and continued for thirty some years....due to flashbacks, they still feel like they are continuing; however, I occasionally get glimpses now of what happy, peaceful, and sad are now as I am starting to feel.

I go through times of why do I bother, but then something happens where I see I was meant to be around. I have a purpose and while I don't always know the purpose, it often involves helping someone else.

 

[Higgins]

How you're feeling is very understandable considering what you've been through. I feel the same about...

Hi. Yes, I have. I was in session yesterday talking in depth about this exact thing as it's been weighing me down for a while now and sort of hit a head in the last few weeks. My T said something lovely yesterday, that logically, isn't this stage of isolation the right place to be, the right head-space for me to do the work that needs to be done. She basically gave me permission to be where I'm at and asked me to be more compassionate to myself about it.

 

[Higgins]

I'm sorry you feel so alone. You really aren't though...as useless as that can be to say. I do underst...

Hi. Thanks for writing. The responses you guys have given me are in many ways a huge relief. It helps knowing other people get it, even if I wish none of us had any of these things happen.

 

[Higgins]

"is this what it is like without PTSD?" -- it's that foreign to me.
...

OMG, right? A few months ago, I started having days that weren't entirely engulfed in pain, and I was like, ????? what??? that's even possible? Is this how normal people feel?

Thanks for the hugs, I will always take them.
I like the idea of thinking about friends / acquaintances as eating broccoli. Like this necessary thing that could act as a bridge for future me to be more comfortable around other people. I think it would be amazing to have a (kind) friend I could just laugh with and not talk about anything heavy. I don't know if I could do something like that, but I could try.

 

[Higgins]

@zephcat
@cat-lady
@Link Removed
@Enaila

Thank you. I'm with you guys.