I signed up for this site because of this thread -- tears were falling after the first post. 'A' &...
He means it when he says he loves you. He means it when he says he needs you to take all of his things and leave. Your birthday means nothing to him if he's in a state of absolute terror.
Most people understand that PTSD is a fear response. But it doesn't seem, from reading this forum, that many people understand that PTSD is not like a kid being afraid of the dark. It's the fear of a deer in the headlights. It's the fear of imminent death. Every. Time.
And in that space, someone with PTSD acts in uncaring ways because he or she is INCAPABLE OF CARING in that specific moment (startle reaction) or in the context of the situation because of the panic and chaos of not knowing what to but feeling like you have to do something (kicking out your girlfriend). In concentration camps there's fingernail marks on the walls of the gas chambers. No one was going to get through the concrete to the outside, but they tried anyway in their fear and terror and panic. It's a base survival instinct.
And if you think that THAT analogy is excessive, you truly do not understand what someone with PTSD is dealing with. Go ahead, let them read it. See what they say.
There is a hierarchy of needs (Maslow). Personal safety and security is the first. Without it, you can't move on to needing the other needs or attempting to get those other needs met (needs like belonging and having close, stable relationships, self-actualization).
His PTSD is NOT your problem. You CANNOT fix it. You are not the "one true love that will save him" -- love is important and necessary, but it's not magic and PTSD is not a spell to be broken.
Regardless, you should not, in my opinion, let him "drive" the relationship. You should not move in with him until he's substantial treatment (from a professional!). You should, in my opinion, feel helpless because you CAN'T directly help or change the PTSD or him. You can be there. You can be supportive. You can be patient and understanding. You can accept that this, right now, is where he's at on his journey. You can accept that it may not go the way you want. You can accept that you can't control it at all and STOP comparing what it is to what you wish it was.
You have every right to be sad that it isn't what it could be because of something that was not your fault or his. It doesn't change that THAT is exactly the way things are.
There's no "deserve" here. There's nothing about it that's fair. He doesn't "deserve" PTSD. You don't "deserve" to be kicked out of the apartment. You "deserve" to be loved in return for your loving support. But no matter what you do it will not make you an exception to his PTSD symptoms. He's not going to have PTSD except with you or about your relationship.
You cannot base your decision to try to stay and work it out on a love conquers all, hero fantasy or a belief that you're the "only one" who can save him and if you leave he'll be doomed for sure.
We all want to believe that about ourselves and our love, but this is real life and not a fairy tale.
HE has to do the work and the therapy. HE has to be at a point where he can try to build healthy interpersonal and romantic relationships. YOU can't do that FOR him. And you, being at a different emotional place, should make decisions about YOUR needs and not exclusively about HIS needs, which he and a therapist need to see to.
If you become a martyr, you'll end up bitter and angry because you didn't get what you deserved after all your effort and love and support. You'll resent him for not gettig better so you can get it and for not being saved by you, which is part of the bargain ... only it's a bargain your making in your head about him.
No one sticks around at this phase, so early in a relationship, without thinking they'll be the "savior" and that they're the only one who can be, and that things will just work out if they try hard enough and love deep enough to overcome the trauma.
PTSD is not just a "trust" issue. It's not something that will go away with the right person in the right relationship. It actually changes how the brain functions in a way that is not normal. He is not like you. He does not react like you would react. You are not like him. You will never really understand his reactions. Your love and effort will not change that or change his neurobiology back to being "normal."
I'm all about true love and romance. But I'm also all about realism, accurate expectations, rational choices instead of story book "it should just work out because it's LOVE!!!", not becoming a "martyr" and becoming angry, butter and resentful if it doesn't "work out because it should because it's LOVE!!!", and letting go of the hero delusion that places unrealistic expectations on both the PTSD and non-PTSD partner.
Harshness is not my intention. I wish you both the best, but if love and hope we're the solution to PTSD, this forum would be unnecessary.
