Abuse From My Son

[ladee]

I realized last night during my sons phone call, that I want ( don't think I need, just want) some recognition from him. A couple of thank yous.
A few weeks ago I mentioned to him that he may need to practice some self regulation. This was half way thru his latest litinay of negativity.
Its almost like he has been reading this thread. All of a sudden he has all this insight. Things he is working on.
Proud of him and hope for his sake it's true. Me not trusting anything he is saying has nothing to do with the outcome.
He was telling me about this lady he has met who is helping him with the compulsive talking. I felt myself getting so angry. Didn't say anything. Knew I would process after we hung up.
Getting angry is my 'go to' feeling when I am hurt. I rarely let anyone see it.
Too much work on this issue to not know what is going on with me.
I go thru the same process every time. Just get to my real feelings faster.
It shouldn't make any difference how or with who, he deals with things.
So is this being childish, petty, needy?
I want acknowledgement from him.
I am feeling deep shame for feeling this way.
Sorry @Recovery4Me , still looking for a T. I don't expect people here to take the place of a T. Maybe I just needed to get honest with people i trust.
And I do not like this feeling at all. He owes me nothing in the bigger scheme of things. I hate it that he will always have the power to hurt me.
Thinking some of my wanting to go no contact is me 'avoiding'. I hate it he has the power to make me second guess myself.
So I will put this in the frame of 'unlearning and new learning'. That this whole issue is learning a new way to look at things.
And after all that great recovery talk, I want the little f#cker to say ' thanks mom for all you've done'

 

[Crow]

Thank you ladee for this thread. I've learned so much and it's lended me a more compassionate perspective on my mom. I've nothing to contribute. But I offer hugs and immense support. ♡

 

[Thizette]

I realized last night during my sons phone call, that I want ( don't think I need, just want) some recogn...

It takes a long time in recovery before thanks and apologies start to happen. A lot of work. You don't owe him patience, and you may never get your apology, anyway. The important thing is that you've identified your feelings, wants, and needs. The hard part is finding a healthy way to express them, no? That's always my struggle.

 

[mamachick]

Ladee, I was about to tell you that I don't think you are being childish, petty, or needy, but not sure you would believe, only because I know that when I doubt myself, it lingers until I really, really get it. I bet 10 people could tell you that you are not those things, but you need to believe it. I only have an idea of what it has been like dealing with your son, and at this point in our lives (with adult children), I can sure see why and how you are disappointed. I think naming those things and owning the feelings is the key to beginning to really heal.

Once my daughter did a craft with her friend and her friends mother (who was mother wonderful), when I asked her to do similar so many time. She also made guacamole with tomatoes and ate when she claims to be allergic for years. I felt jealousy . I felt hurt. She was crazy about this woman who was running for some political office. I met the woman and was not impressed (not a bit out of jealousy). Then the table turned and they had a falling out when my daughter rented from her for a month while preparing for a state exam. So I don't consider myself a jealous person but I was in that instance and am human. My daughter sent me a valentine she made with another mom. LOL It hurt my feelings. I have a side I would rather not have. YEAH...HUMAN

I personally think that you deserve some praise, but that must come from your son, or more importantly, yourself ....Hugs

 

[ladee]

I feel I needed to read that I am Not being petty and needy. I am at the point in recovery that I readily accept validation. So thank you for that. And it's good to hear that being jealous is simply human. Its not something I feel very often. So I feel I didn't own it Because I wasn't sure what I was feeling.
That guy can frustrate me faster than anyone on the planet
But I also need to figure out what else I am feeling so I know what to work on.
Thank all of you for your help. I know I am going to another level with this and simply did not want to do it alone as I have in the past.
I want a thank you from him. Not an apology. And I probably will never get it. But am trying to get the focus back on my own healing. The only thing I have any power with.
@CrowFeather am happy it is helping you to see your mom a little differently. And you know I deeply appreciate your support.
I'm going to transcend this. I am. I do not like pain. None of us do.
Thanks again
Hugs to all of you.

 

[mamachick]

Ladee-Just want to clarify, please no that I was not implying you feeling jealousy. I understood your hurt and comparing my own hurt. Just used an example of my own where I felt something that is so unusual for me that it was really hard for me to name it and then admit because it is so not how I want to be. Of course when we deal with an abusive adult child, we risk becoming other than we intend. I use to see myself as very strong and had to learn that when I lend a hand to pull someone out of a hole, I also risk being pulled in. That is not what usually happens, but only I can say "uncle" when enough is enough.

 

[shimmerz]

I want to thank everyone here for opening up the way that they are. It is so helpful getting different perspectives on this and it has changed the way I see my children in all of this mess.

Unfortunately, the core problem, for my family, is still the same. I have an ex that is actively seeking to annihilate me from the family. And he is a focused SOB. And smart as a pack of foxes.

I didn't have substance abuse issues, I raised my kids with compassion and kindness but also strict boundaries. I have no idea where I learned that. I think it was just straight up love and selflessness. But here is the problem.

They are angry. Hostile. They come by that honestly because that is how their father relates. I have been called every nasty name in the book. And real character assassination names. And I have set my boundaries on this. My middle son - well I won't go to his house - because he and his wife feel that it is open season on me and I won't have my grandchild learning that shit. They can do it to others as well, but that is on them. I refuse to be involved in modeling angry shit. These children are going to be mother's and father's one day with children of their own and I don't want them feeling that this type of behaviour is acceptable.

He and I had a discussion last week and he literally said 'I am so thankful that H (stepmother) was not my mother'. However, he (and his brothers) spend Mother's Day with her, every holiday, my birthday is spent in Florida with her..... every f*cking year. Call me petty, but that is NOT showing respect at all. So an offhanded, twice a year comment about how he is happy that he had me as a Mom, doesn't cut it when his actions are the complete opposite.

My middle son is also calling me lately. He is calling and professing his love to me. He is even going so far as to call me Mommy. I am not certain if this is a regressive thing or if it is a manipulation. He even mentioned that he is going to send me the pictures he promised me. I have ONE picture (a long shot) of my grandson who is 2.5 years old. When I said, 'Oh, I didn't realize you were going to send me pictures', he said 'Yeah, you know of the work that I was doing that I promised you' He is in construction. lol. Really? I still don't know if this son is married, when they got married, who was invited to the wedding..... it is crazy shit.

Anyway, I am not going to beg anymore. I have stopped asking for pictures of the grandkids (there is another story about pictures and my youngest sons children as well that was out and out hostile when I asked him for the newborns pictures a couple of weeks ago).

But here is the conflict. My youngest son is hurt.... hurt, hurt, hurt, that I have chosen to live so far away. I am doing that for my own protection. Also, for the protection of my grandchildren, for many reasons, including the ones stated above. It is like they don't 'get' somehow that the behaviours they have towards me are just outright sick and twisted. And they will get crazy angry defensive if I even broach that subject. Because their father is 'great', 'terrific', a 'demi god'. It feels like extreme crazy making.

So I have to answer to them sometime soon. I have to make a firm decision on what I am going to do about my grandchildren. And my gut reaction is that if I come anywhere close to them that my ex and his wife will go crazy nuts again in their campaign against me. And god help the grandchildren if they ever decide they love me. They will be targeted for certain.

Trapped. If I don't see the grandchildren (to protect them as I know their parents will not), then I expect they will feel somehow defective because I won't be a part of their lives. If I do stand my ground and become a part of their lives, they will be hit from all sides I expect. They will experience f*cked up behaviour from their parents and evil f*cking twisted behaviour from my ex and his wife.

Which one is better? I need to stop. Smoke. I need a smoke.

 

[ladee]

@brat17 , no problem. I take what I need from feedback . I process what I do take. Jelousy played a small part. He told this big long story about how this lady started putting distance with him. And he knew it was because of his non stop talking. He then says how he went about telling her about his ADD and OCD.
In truth, we have too much history. This woman was put on his path. He cares what she thinks. So I am being petty. It is not in my nature to be selfish. In my heart I want my son to find some peace. I don't care how or with who.
It was just me having a 'mama moment'.
Today, after having a few days to think about it, as long as he is seeking help, I honestly don't care from who.
I will work on me. Like I have been doing by coming here and sharing. I was able to get back to what is important. If this had been anyone else, I would have been excited they found someone to help them.
Today I am grateful this woman is present for him. If he can stick with it, I will end up with a calmer son and not have to do the work of not getting my feelings tangled up with the outcome..
So I have received a blessing and it has taken a few days for me to see it.
If my son can find some peace, I don't care how or with who.
Thank you for sharing and shining a light on the different feelings we have to work out about our kids.

 

[ladee]

Ahhh @shimmerz , I totally relate to the grandchildren. Back in his heavy drinking when my granddaughter was about 4 he got mad at me for who knows what. He kept her away from me for over two years. Her and I were bonding and she was the light of my life.
I am still so hurt over this. I still haven't forgiven him. I reach out to her and rarely get any an answer back. He broke the bond we were forging. And changed the course of my and hers relationship..
So I guess in this respect I can understand him Not forgiving me for stuff. Not saying I deserved it. But am saying I do understand his side of things.
I have read about your ex and the power he still has over the boys. His actions are malicious. My son is selfish. The reasons really don't matter. We are without our grandchildren . And we are powerless to do anything about it.
Wish I had an answer for both of us. I get so weary for how long all this takes.
We both have paid our dues. Over and over and over again. We carry this Pain and can not talk to the sorces without opening a can of worms that affects others..
Guess we will hold hands in the dark and muddle thru together. We are both so tired.
Think I am going to give myself a 'Me' day. I'm tired of carrying this and thinking about it. I'm tired of feeling powerless. So today is going to be all about me. Want to join me?
Love ya Shimmy and you are not alone.

 

[shimmerz]

Want to join me?
Love ya Shimmy and you are not alone.

I most certainly do my friend.... thank you.

 

[ladee]

Fantastic! I don't want to do all this shit alone either!
Onward thru the fog, holding hands with Shimmy!
Just for today , we are ok just the way we are!!! Hugs to you my friend!!

 

[PhoenixO]

The jumping off meds due to his reasons reminds me of SIL with bipolar...