What If It's Not In The Past? Chronic Stress Factors

[Pakadlangitok]

Lost. Your posts did not seem too graphic to me at all. I agree with Ragdoll. One person's trigger is another person's reason to keep fighting. You are one of the fighters I respect most on here because you are so honest and yet always reaching out to others. Even when you are in a bad mood. Hugs to you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

grateful you can tell it like it is. I can't have kids, and I can't talk about why, and it is inspiring to see you rise above the shame that keeps so many of us hiding in the shadows.

Thanks! Yeah, it was like the secret that kept me completetly silent and then later shame did. I dont know, i just sort of keep it real, you know? Like, im not like spilling it all over the site anymore but just keep stuff real when asked or brought up.

Im glad you were helped by it!! I dont feel like a person anyone should be inspired by, but very glad you were! :hug:

I certainly don't mean to trivialize your issues, but I have to say, it seems to me a lot of men would love to meet a woman who doesn't want kids. A lot of women have to drag their husbands kicking and screaming into having a baby.

Thats not trivializing at all.

It seems that way but most men Ive encountered (a lot) that have gotten close enough to me to talk about it (way less but still a lot) has this strong urge to have a name sake, which is a biological boy.

I want kids, I REALLY want kids, I just cant have them but I can adopt and Ive looked into it alone and the adoption agencies wont give me a child while single and on a single income. If I were very well off then that'd be a different story.

Id let them fertalize with donor sperm and then plant back in and thats not even possible.

My ex and I spoke about adoption and he wouldnt have it. He wanted a biolocial child. Its the main reason our relationship cracked.

I guess if a man really loved a woman they'd adopt but when they are at a place of talking about children, biological is the way men Ive come across wants and adoption is off the taple.

Ive come to terms with becoming "the crazy cat lady" (single, no kids or family, only cats) that I always hated as a kid.

I wish I could find the guys kicking and screaming about having a child, though I think the biggest difference is the having a child conversation comes up and thats when men ive encountered turn to biological or none at all and I want kids but have to adopt. So its not no kids, its kids but not biological so its a bit different, you know?

You are one of the fighters I respect most on here because you are so honest and yet always reaching out to others. Even when you are in a bad mood.

Thanks!

Yeah, in a bad mood a lot but I really love helping people so helping them helps me, you know?

I am a fighter. That is something I can see in myself. I never give up. And Im just an honest person. Its against my character not to be, you know? I mean, I can say things without a ton of detail but just flat out not being honest, that I cant do.

Anyway, thanks for that! Its so weird, my reaction to a compliment today. Its not my normal reaction. But thanks! I appreciate the kind words! :hug:

@Dana1010, thanks for the thread! It helps to talk about this stuff! :hug:

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Dana1010 - I, too, am dealing with chronic traumas and stressors. I guess that's why what I have is called complex. There are so many layers and the traumas have just layered one on top of the other over the years. I don't remember a time in my life when I wasn't being harmed or neglected. It's taken on a life of its own - namely, mine.

I agree with 100% of your post regarding childhood experiences setting a lifelong pattern into motion. I went through the same thing and am experiencing the aftermath, trying to rework my belief/thought patterns and hopefully then being able to change my behavior patterns to see if I can stop the cycle of continuing stress and trauma. That's the plan anyway.

I am coordinating my mother's life now that she has Alzheimer's. It's an exhausting nightmare as she was one of the people who harmed me the most in my life. She set a lot of those patterns by being toxically critical, putting me in harm's way with her mean husbands, being manipulative and neglectful, etc... The only alternative is to walk away and let my sister take over. I can't seem to bring myself to do that as I am so enmeshed with my mom, that emotionally I can't conceive of leaving her to that wolf who will take all of her money and leave her in indigent care. I'm also having to fight her. I, seriously, wish she'd walk off into the desert and never come back. The dynamics and stress of just this situation are unmanageable. It's like an ACOA/CODA/ACON combo.

I've also been chronically unemployed since 2009. This has demoralized, isolated, and financially destroyed me. I have no answers here. I just try when I can to apply for jobs and squeeze every nickel I have. I'm running out of money though and although I just had a temp job, I'm having to walk away because of the behavior of the owner of the business I was working at and have been calling my agency all week with updates. Monday, I will have to relate the horrible things he said to me on Friday after I had just called the agency with an update.

I have lost myself somewhere along the way. The only times I feel that I am real is when I can fully connect with my higher power and embrace His grace and trust in His promises. It's very scary to be all on my own, without support or friends other than out here. Isolation is definitely not a good thing. I'm trying to reach out, but have been hurt before when I have, so it's a tough road to try to travel again.

Stress in my life just won't stop. It's like a run-away freight train. It's ruined every sector of my life including my health. I now have stress induced Cushing's syndrome. There is no "cure" only distressing will help the body to heal. I can't seem to get to that place when more and more problems keep coming my way - either dealing with my mom, fighting with insurance companies, dealing with idiots in the workplace when I actually manage to get a temp job, the job search itself, financials.... It goes on and on and seems to have a ripple effect.

All this being the case, what I try to do is to take life one day at a time, turn over what I can to my higher power, keep to a routine as much as possible, practice acceptance of all that comes my way and that is in my life - realizing that I can't control a lot of what is going on in my world, break problems down to small pieces and work on solutions one step at a time, accept that some days are going to be much more difficult than others and that I need to be okay with only doing the minimum, and just hold tight to my faith. Also, I think it has a lot to do with breaking patterns and cycles, so I work on awareness of beliefs, thought and behavior patterns, learning new coping mechanisms so that I can try to break free of my addictions, adding more positives into my world to at least try to keep pace with all of the negatives, celebrate or even just acknowledge my successes (Yes, I called the Dept of Ins and filed a complaint about my insurance company - that was huge for me). Kind of changing up the team, pulling in my best forwards when they are not too exhausted and putting them in the game (b-ball reference).

I don't know the answer. I just know that even though I'm exhausted, wounded, alone, afraid, etc... I can't give up because there is a plan and a purpose for me in this world and I choose not to believe that it was or is just to suffer as I have been and currently am. One moment at a time and one day at a time is how I'm trying to manage this. I hope some of this helped and that I didn't prattle on too much about my situation. Take care. VB

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@VioletButterfly, I hear you on all of that! Taking care of your mom must be super hard and that I cant relate to but it says a TON about your character that you cant let her go to the wolves!

I can relate to having issues today with thinking and, for me, beliefs. I brought all of my childhood into adulthood. I believed fully 100% the cult's beliefs about me. I did all of the rituals but one. I knew nothing else. That took persistence and a very patient therapist to change. It was years of telling myself, basically talking to myself, the counter to that belief and it felt like I was lying to myself but slowly, those beliefs and thougjts and urges started to change.

The remainer, Id say breaking problems down to workable parts and find a bunch of solutions and then putting them into action is a good way to get through very hard impossible looking problems.

For me, I had to drilling into myself what I can and cannot control as I had super bad issues with control. I had to keep all balls in the air and juggle more and more but dare not to drop one. Giving myself permission to drop one was HUGE!

Also, learning to ask for help was real big too for me.

I feel you and Im so sorry that you are in this situation! :hug:

 

[VioletButterfly]

@lostforgottensoul Crying tears of appreciation at your kindness. What you've shared rings many bells in my situation as well. The chronic nature of the traumas and stress are just devastating. It sounds like you've made good progress though despite having so much on your plate with family and health issues, along with dealing with working through trauma issues. Thank you for sharing and for your thoughtfulness. Much appreciated. VB :)

 

[Iamsensative]

I don't even know what to say, but you are all amazing. Life gives you roadblocks but you are plowing through them. Keep on fighting, don't ever believe it can't get better. Notice every little thing. Thank you for your bravery